Are You On A First Date Or In A Haunted House?

hotelThe Halloween Season has arrived in Maine, Modern Philosophers, and the All Hallows Society just send me an angry, somewhat threatening message to point out that I have yet to write a Halloween themed post.

Since I don’t want to incur the wrath of Maine’s all powerful and wickedly frightening secret society, and because I usually write a Dating Tips post on Saturday night, I thought I’d combine both tonight.

Because when you think about it, what could be scarier than the Demonic offspring of Halloween and Dating?

Tonight’s post will come in very handy this month when you find yourself confused and trying to figure out if you are on a date or visiting a haunted house.

As always, since I am interested in women, the date in this post will be referred to as a  female.  However, these tips will work for both sexes.

All hail the All Hallows Society!

bad dateDid you enter with absolutely no idea of what to expect?   Definitely a haunted house, especially if it’s a really good one.

Some haunted houses can be boringly predictable, much like a first date.

Luckily, people who run haunted houses know that if they don’t step up their game and catch you by surprise, they’re not going to keep your business.

Unfortunately, first dates are run and operated by independent contractors (your dates) who could care less if they get repeat business.  In fact, it’s my theory that they are just looking for some boring sucker to control for the rest of his life, and as a result, they make a first date as predictable as humanly possible.

Are you scared, anxious, and/or nervous?  That’s got to be a first date.  Nothing else could possibly freak me out and run roughshod over my emotions like a first date.

A haunted house is a delightful way to celebrate the Halloween Season, but the only anxiety it causes is over the price.

bad date 1Do you fear that you won’t survive?  First date for sure.  If people died in haunted houses, it wouldn’t be good for business.

Plus, the dead people would then haunt that house for real and make for an extremely confusing situation for all involved.  Is there such a thing as a haunted, haunted house?

The chances of dying on a first date are 6% according to a number I made up specifically for this blog post.  Even though it’s fake, I’m guessing many of you are thinking that the actual number is much higher.

If you really let your Deep Thoughts run wild, you will quickly realize that a first date can kill you in so many different ways…

Did you experience abnormal events that cannot possibly be explained by logic, science, or the guys from Myth Busters?  You are on a first date, my friend.  The one topic Myth Busters hasn’t tackled over its amazing run is the first date.

The reason for that is because first dates defy all laws of science, probability, and reasoning.  Legend has it that only Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster truly understand what happens on a First Date, so go ask them.

bad date 2Did you have a nightmare after the incident?  While a top of the line haunted house might cause you to have a nightmare, your mind is likely to forgo that experience and cue up a nightmare about your last first date instead.

Your mind if a terrible thing to waste, so it’s not going to waste a good nightmare on something that didn’t scare you in reality.

It knows that first date freaked you out down to your core, though, so it is going to let Freddy Krueger lead you kicking and screaming down that Memory Lane for repeated midnight mind shows.

Is the person sitting across from you babbling like she is possessed by a Narcissistic Demon with no filter?  A 2003 law banned haunted houses from ever employing Narcissistic Demons after a horrific incident resulted in the institutionalizing of seven college students in North Carolina.

As violating this law would lead to a large fine and imprisonment, you can be sure that you are not in a haunted house.

Besides, isn’t this one obviously a first date?

Not Alone but LonelyAre you looking at a shape shifter?  By “shape shifter” I obviously mean a woman who looks completely different in person from the photos she posted on her online dating profile.

While she can make up all the stories she wants about why she is suddenly seven years older and fifty pounds heavier, we know the truth is because you’re on a first date.

People lie in their online profiles all the time.  Do you really think every man on that site rides a Harley, has all his teeth, and doesn’t live in his Mom’s basement?

Do you really think every woman on that site won’t hold you personally responsible for the fact that her ex-husband cheated on her with a younger woman and left her to raise three kids all by herself?

Shape shifter ALWAYS EQUALS first (and hopefully last) date.

Did you leave swearing you will never subject yourself to that again?  You know you’re going to another haunted house next Halloween Season because the one you just left was wicked awesome!

However, you very well might never date again after the recent horror you barely survived.

bad date 4Do you feel trapped and like you will never be able to find the way out?  State law requires that all haunted houses have easy to spot exit signs and staff to assist any patron who becomes disoriented during the experience.

No state law regulates first dates.  You’re on your own, so always have an exit strategy!

Are you surrounded by Headless Horsemen, Vampires, Witches, Werewolves, Zombies, Monsters, Demons, and people dressed as Donald Trump?  You are in what sounds likes a pretty awesome and topical haunted house.

Unless, of course, your first date is going so poorly that you’ve had so much to drink that you are hallucinating this scenario…

I hope these dating tips comes in handy.  Be careful out there.  Dating and Halloween usually mix for more tricks than treats!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Holidays, Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Are You On A First Date Or In A Haunted House?

  1. Joseph Nebus says:

    6% of all first dates ending in deaths isn’t all that alarming a figure. 6.2% would be much more alarming, seeing as how it has a decimal point and is therefore more accurate.

    I think you’re being too hard on shape shifters. Suppose they were able to take on the forms of some of the more obscure Pokemon monsters. Wouldn’t that change the course of any date, and probably for the less predictable?

  2. Tim Gatewood says:

    Funny, funny stuff. And this explains why you’re single. (Laughing) Seriously, I never thought of combining first dates and Halloween. You’ve made me glad all over again that I’m happily married.

    Now, unless that secret society you mentioned is a front group for the Freemasons or the Illuminati or the Odd Fellows, they’re poseurs. And you can tell them I said so. Phbbt!

  3. jan says:

    Bobbing for apples with a group of zombies wearing Donald Trump masks would definitely make for an interesting first date! If you survive, of course. ; )

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