Scientists Downgrade The Great Pumpkin To Good

LinusHalloween Season is in full swing in Maine, Modern Philosophers, and we’ve just had our first controversy.

The same scientists that downgraded Pluto from a planet to whatever the hell it is now, have decided to trick, rather than treat The Great Pumpkin this year by downgrading him to just a Good Pumpkin.

Needless to say, Pumpkin Pi, the social media platform for mathematically inclined pumpkin and jack o’ lantern enthusiasts, has been abuzz all morning with the news.

Seeds, which is what postings on Pumpkin Pi are called, have spread throughout social media and there are now giant pumpkin patches of comments all over the internet about this one.

Your favorite Modern Philosopher forced himself into the center of it all to give you the best coverage of this Pumpkintrocity aka Pumpkingate aka The Day Linus Finally Snapped (Like We Always Expected He Would).

Let’s start with Linus…

Linus 2“I don’t see what all the fuss it about,” Linus told this Modern Philosopher from his prime spot in Maine’s largest pumpkin patch.  “The Great Pumpkin will retain his title as long as all the kids in the world believe in him.  Scientists can say anything they want, but The Great Pumpkin won’t listen.  He hates Science just as much as the kids who love him!”

scientists“No one’s going to listen to that crazy kid with the blanket,” said one of the snooty scientists in the above photo.  “Where the hell are his parents?  Why is he allowed to stay out overnight in a pumpkin patch?  Has anyone called Child Protective Services?”

plutoPluto, the former planet, and recent victim of the same stuck up snobs in the lab coats had this to say to The Great Pumpkin: “Hang in there, dude.  If you want to join me in my class action lawsuit against those nerds, just let me know.  There’s millions to be made.  Send me a seed on Pumpkin Pi if you want to chat.”

pluto dogPluto, the cartoon dog, has bonded with Pluto the planet ever since the downgrade.  “$%^& those lab geeks.  Maybe they should go out and get laid instead of trying to bring the rest of the world down to their $@%^&* level!  The next time I see anyone in a lab coat, I’m gonna take a wretched $%^& on his leg and then piss on his shoes!”

Headless_HorsemanThe Headless Horseman was not impressed, either.  “I don’t need a head to see that The Great Pumpkin is as grand as ever.  Anyone who would think to downgrade such a beloved symbol of this incredible holiday deserves to be decapitated.”

pumpkinheadPumpkinhead Beer offered its services to The Great Pumpkin, free of charge, should he want to get wasted and just totally forget about today’s announcement.

pumpkin carriageCinderella offered The Great Pumpkin a job in her fleet of enchanted pumpkin carriages.  She said she heard he was quite roomy, and she really loves to spread out and get comfortable on long rides.

pumpkin spice lattePumpkin Spice Lattes just wanted to remind everyone that they are available everywhere throughout the Halloween Season.

wizardThis old Wizard just belched and then fell asleep without making a comment.

AliensThese Aliens were very disturbed by the news because they are originally from Pluto, and got evicted when it was downgraded from planet status.

They sought asylum in Maine, where they befriended The Great Pumpkin.

Now, they are beginning to think they are bad luck.  They are also keen to give the scientists responsible for all this a very thorough anal probing.

jack pumpkinJack Skellington was delighted and sang a lengthy song about how he was the Pumpkin King and The Great Pumpkin was just a good ole boy from a sketchy pumpkin patch on the wrong side of the tracks.

He danced along with the tune, and even though it was mean spirited, the song was really quite catchy.  I’m still humming it as I type this post.

ZombiesThese Zombies just moaned and drooled.  For a second, I thought they were a bunch of drunk Red Sox fans.

Pope Francis gives the Christmas Urbi et Orbi Blessing at St Peter SquarePope Francis vowed to remember The Great Pumpkin in his prayers, and invited him to The Vatican for Sunday Brunch.

jack-o-lanternJack O’ Lanterns across Maine smiled on the outside, but they were crying on the inside for their dear friend and leader.

bad dateThis couple tried to figure out if they were on a first date or just lamenting the news about The Great Pumpkin.  They ended up going home together.

Mayor_McCheeseMayor McCheese called The Great Pumpkin to see if he’d be interested in being his Vice President should he throw his hat into the ring for the 2016 Presidential Election.

God-02God had no comment.

ZeusZeus admitted to having a pumpkin allergy.  Weird, right?

Paul LePageMaine Governor Paul LePage vetoed the scientists’ decision and reinstated The Great Pumpkin to his original status.

It’s been a crazy day, Modern Philosophers.  Is it possible that Governor LePage will turn out to be the hero for once?

Do you agree with the scientists?  Or with Governor LePage?  Is he still a Great Pumpkin in your eyes, Modern Philosophers?

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Scientists Downgrade The Great Pumpkin To Good

  1. D. Parker says:

    He’ll always be The Great Pumpkin to me. 🙂

  2. He will always be The Great Pumpkin. In fact, I’m starting a movement to make him The Greatest Pumpkin.

  3. ksbeth says:

    yep – he is the only great pumpkin )

  4. Awesome, some are really carving a name for themselves. 🙂

  5. grannyK says:

    GREAT pumpkin for sure!

  6. markbialczak says:

    He’s a Great Pumpkin, Austin. The scientists once again prove they’re pi-eyed.

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