Do Vampires Even Like Birthday Cake?

happy birthday“That was an excellent party,” The Devil complimented me as he helped to collect some of the discarded cups that were littered all over the living room.

“You act like you’re surprised,” I countered as I walked over with the garbage bag.

He dumped the cups in the bag and dropped down onto the couch like he was thoroughly exhausted from a mere eight seconds of work.

“That came out incorrectly,” Lucifer admitted as he checked his impeccably tailored suit for crumbs or party cup splatter.  “What I was trying to say was that the event went off surprisingly well give the type of party it was.”

I raised an eyebrow in surprise as I picked up a few empty cakes plates and dumped them into the bag I was dragging behind me like Linus’ blanket.

“It was a birthday party,” I said in confusion.

“What he means,” came the voice from behind me, “is that he’s never known a Vampire to have a birthday party, so he was impressed that you managed to pull it off without the Guest of Honor freaking out and draining you of all your blood.”

AnaAna, the Birthday Vampire, winked at me from where she leaned against the doorway to the living room.  She shoveled a forkful of birthday cake into her mouth, and even though she wore a goofy birthday hat, she looked very bad ass.

“Exactly!” The Prince of Darkness exclaimed as he pulled a Snapple out of the cooler in front of the couch.  “Your bookworm of a best buddy gets me, so why don’t you, Modern Philosopher?”

Ana snickered and took another bite of cake.

“I had no idea that Vampires didn’t usually celebrate their birthdays,” I confessed.

“Think about, Mr. Deep Thoughts,” Satan urged me after taking a big sip of his Snapple.  “Would you celebrate a day that held absolutely no meaning given that you’re immortal?  I mean, after the first hundred fifty or so birthday parties, wouldn’t you assume that they get to be a bit boring?”

“Pin the Knife on the Vampire Slayer does lose its excitement after a century,” Ana declared as she strode into the room and deposited her empty plate in the garbage bag.

“So do you hate that I threw you a surprise birthday party?”

The hurt in my voice must have been obvious because The Devil rolled his eyes and picked up the Sunday paper, making a big, noisy production of turning the pages.

Ana pushed her oversize glasses up the bridge of her nose and smiled.

Devil“I really appreciated the gesture, Austin,” she told me sincerely.  “I thought it was sweet.  Plus, I’m grateful that you’re letting me interfere with your Sunday short story time.”

“You are right about that,” Lucifer snapped from behind his newspaper.  “This is our time to produce the Sunday post, and it really is a two man show.”

Ana’s big brown eyes widened behind her even bigger eyeglasses.  When she smiled, I could’ve sworn I saw her bare her fangs.  I wasn’t sure if I should run for cover or get between them.

“I don’t want to mess with your man cave time, boys,” Ana said as she pulled the birthday hat off her head and flipped into into my garbage bag.  “This remind me of all the places that were around when I celebrated this very same birthday almost two hundred years ago.  Let me know when your little club admits women!”

Ana turned to storm out, but there was no way I was going to let her birthday party end on such a sexist note.

“Ana, please don’t go,” I pleaded before she could exit the room.

“There’s too much old school testosterone in here, and it’s turning my stomach,” she quipped from the doorway.

“Try a little O positive,” The Prince of Darkness suggested mockingly from behind his newspaper.  “I hear that always settles the stomach.”

Vampire cakeI didn’t even see it happen, but Ana was on top of him in the blink of an eye.  She shredded his newspaper to bits and knelt on his lap with her fangs pressed against his neck.

“Ana, don’t do anything stupid!” I begged.

“Aside from wrinkling my suit and ruining a perfectly good copy of the Bangor Daily News, the pretty Vampire isn’t going to do anything,” Satan assured me calmly.

Ana put away her fangs, kissed him on the cheek, and slid off onto the couch.

“You don’t have to be such a douche, Lucifer,” she scolded him as she picked up a handful of newspaper confetti and stuffed it into his suit pocket.  “After all, it is my birthday.”

I don’t know what came over me, but I just broke out in hysterical laughter.  The Devil and the Vampire simply stared at me in bewilderment.

“What’s so funny?” Ana finally asked.

“I’m the only one being at all mature right now, but compared to the two of you, I’m like a baby,” I told her.  “You’re both so damn old.”

happy birthday pumpkinI went back to laughing.  He grabbed a Snapple from the cooler and gave it to her.

The two old farts tapped their bottles together and watched the youngster laugh like an idiot until tears ran down his very handsome face.

“Happy Birthday, Ana,” The Prince of Darkness whispered to the pretty Vampire.

“Thanks, you charming Devil,” she replied with a smile.

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Do Vampires Even Like Birthday Cake?

  1. i love how this paints a pretty good picture in my head. thanks for this very entertaining read! now i’m heading off to get myself an o positive!

  2. Pamela says:

    Bawahaha !!! 😈

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