Pandora, We Need To Talk About Jessie’s Girl…

fooDear Pandora Complaint Department,

It’s Austin again.  You might remember me from a few months ago.  I wrote a letter complaining about how you almost ruined my morning run by playing “Wonderwall” by Oasis.

You can find a copy of that complaint here: (No Oasis. Ever!)

If you check my membership, you will see that I listen only to the Foo Fighters channel on your app.  Not the Oasis Channel.  Not the Shoot Me, I Hate My Life Channel.  No music expert that you could bring in to testify would ever be able to link those whiny Brits to Dave Grohl’s band of merry hard rocking men.

Music is a very important part of my running, and if the wrong song comes on in the middle of a run, it could cause my muscles to seize up and paralyze me.  My lungs might decided that an Oasis song is the perfect time to shut down all services.  My heart could  break simply because the wrong song might remind it of an ex-girlfriend.

pandora-logoThat is why, Pandora, I only want to hear genuine Foo Fighters, or Foo Fighters friendly tunes when I’m out on the road working up a sweat.

I want to be inspired, pumped, and pushed forward by the music blasting in my ears while I’m engaged in an activity that I hate with a passion.

I do not want to be pissed off at my phone, tearing the ear buds out of my ears, and composing a letter to your Complaint Department during the third mile of a planned four mile run because you idiotically played a song not at all related to Foo Fighters.

Am I making myself clear?

I must admit, you have done an excellent job of keeping my feed Oasis free since receiving my previous letter.  Major props and thanks for that, Pandora.  You have not let the Gallagher Brothers back out of the box, and that has made my runs much better.

Don’t rest on your laurels too long, though.  If I’m writing to you again today, we clearly have another problem.

I was on my annual All Saints Day run this morning, trying to shakes off the cobwebs from Halloween, when a Foo Fighters song ended and an unacceptable tune began…

rickOh, how I wish that I DID NOT have “Jessie’s Girl” blasting in my ears!

Seriously, Pandora?

Rick Springfield?

On the Foo Fighters Channel?

Be honest.  Are you drunk, Pandora?

How is “Jessie’s Girl” at all worthy of rotationl?  Is Dave Grohl secretly a fan of General Hospital?  Is Rick Springfield the band’s godfather?

Don’t get me wrong.  There are times when I wish I had Jessie’s girl.  She’s very attractive, smart, and has a great sense of humor.

However, I have this problem with falling for girls who are already taken, and I’m working really hard not to ever do that again.  So, the song reminds me of the skeletons I’m trying to keep hidden in my heart’s closet.

Does that make sense?

The 54th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Outside ConcertsRegardless of my personal issues, of which there are far too many to list in one letter, it all comes down to the choice I made when I decided to use Pandora.

I want Dave and the boys rocking out when I’m running and need that extra motivation to go that extra mile.

I don’t want former soap opera heart throbs singing about how they want another guy’s girl.  Especially when we know he can steal her anytime he wants since he’s got all that General Hospital residual money to spend on her.

So can we add Rick Springfield to my Do Not Play Ever list?

Thanks, Pandora.  Rock on!

Austin

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Fitness, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Pandora, We Need To Talk About Jessie’s Girl…

  1. Josh Wrenn says:

    I was at a costume party on Friday night. I used my phone’s Pandora on their Bluetooth system because I was the only one who knew how to connect it. We selected the Guns n’ Roses station. (I would’ve preferred Foo, but I was outnumbered.) After Welcome To The Jungle, comes Hotel California by the Eagles. WTF?!?! Now, I like that song just fine, but it doesn’t exactly fit the station. Nice algorithms, Pandora.

  2. Joseph Nebus says:

    So have you ruled out having (Ron and Russell Mael) Sparks’s “Lighten Up, Morrissey” on your Foo Fighters channel then?

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