Speaking to a throng of enthusiastic supporters in front of Trump Tower, The Donald announced his daring plan to outlaw the display of any Christmas decorations before December 1.
“The Christmas Season is too huge, and I rarely say that about anything other than the national deficit and Ben Carson’s malpractice insurance premium!” Trump shouted to the delight of his assembled sycophants.
“I’m sick of going into the store, looking to drop a few hundred thousand dollars on suits, jewelry, and premium electronics, only to be bombarded with Christmas carols, Christmas lights, and an overly jolly Santa, who’s clearly lost his calendar,” the billionaire continued. “It’s only November. That’s not right. It’s got to change. We’ve got to make this country great again…by giving November back to our Veterans and the Pilgrims!”
The crowd was whipped into such a frenzy at that point, that his supporters most likely would’ve carried Trump to Washington DC on their shoulders and installed him in the Oval Office if not for the presence of security.
“Think about it,” Trump continued to ramble because no one dared tell him to stop, and it made for such great television, “Christmas is supposed to be about religion, giving, and family. It’s not supposed to be this monolith that takes over the country on November 1.”
No, American voters, Donald Trump wants to be the only monolith in your lives. Kneel before him!
When asked how he intended to enforce such a law, Trump, of course, had all the answers.
“First of all, I’d be the President, so anything I decide is a law, automatically becomes a law. Jeez. Learn how this country works if you’re going to be a reporter,” Trump badgered the CNN employee who posed the question.
“Secondly, I know that I speak for a majority of the American people when I say that Christmas has become too big. The lights, the songs, the commercials, it’s just too much. We need to tone it down, to cut back, to celebrate Christmas the way our ancestors did when the United States was great. Who’s with me on that?”
Do I even need to tell you, Modern Philosophers, that the masses when absolutely wild for the man when he posed that question?
“Lastly, I’m going to build a giant wall around November to keep out Christmas, the reindeer, all the jolly little elves, the carolers, the two bit con men who are just looking to make a quick buck and rip off hard working Americans. Then I’m going to make Santa Claus pay for the wall!”
Absolute bedlam on the streets outside Trump Tower after that.
Meanwhile, up at the North Pole…
“Ho, ho, ho-rrible idea, Austin,” Santa Claus told this Modern Philosopher via Skype. “It looks like I’m going to have to buy up all the coal mines in West Virginia just to have enough coal to put in Donald’s stocking this year!”
Santa then let loose with a jolly belly laugh, and assured me that this would never be an issue. “That’s because Santa Claus exists, but there’s no such thing as President Trump!”
Early polling indicates that Trump has received a minor boost from his announcement, but political pundits believe that the numbers will level off once Ben Carson awakens from his nap and calmly talks about the joy Christmas brings to our country.
“I’m great. This idea is great. America will be great again when I’m President. Stick that in your stocking and see what happens.”
Happy Election Day. Stay tuned for more coverage of the next crazy thing out of the mouth of a 2016 Presidential Candidate…