Trump To Criminalize All Pre-December Christmas Decorations

trump 1Donald Trump made a bold Election Day move, Modern Philosophers, in his bid to regain the title of Republican Front Runner in the 2016 Presidential Election.

Speaking to a throng of enthusiastic supporters in front of Trump Tower, The Donald announced his daring plan to outlaw the display of any Christmas decorations before December 1.

“The Christmas Season is too huge, and I rarely say that about anything other than the national deficit and Ben Carson’s malpractice insurance premium!” Trump shouted to the delight of his assembled sycophants.

“I’m sick of going into the store, looking to drop a few hundred thousand dollars on suits, jewelry, and premium electronics, only to be bombarded with Christmas carols, Christmas lights, and an overly jolly Santa, who’s clearly lost his calendar,” the billionaire continued.  “It’s only November.  That’s not right.  It’s got to change.  We’ve got to make this country great again…by giving November back to our Veterans and the Pilgrims!”

The crowd was whipped into such a frenzy at that point, that his supporters most likely would’ve carried Trump to Washington DC on their shoulders and installed him in the Oval Office if not for the presence of security.

Christmas light display

“Think about it,” Trump continued to ramble because no one dared tell him to stop, and it made for such great television, “Christmas is supposed to be about religion, giving, and family.  It’s not supposed to be this monolith that takes over the country on November 1.”

No, American voters, Donald Trump wants to be the only monolith in your lives.  Kneel before him!

When asked how he intended to enforce such a law, Trump, of course, had all the answers.

“First of all, I’d be the President, so anything I decide is a law, automatically becomes a law.  Jeez.  Learn how this country works if you’re going to be a reporter,” Trump badgered the CNN employee who posed the question.

“Secondly, I know that I speak for a majority of the American people when I say that Christmas has become too big.  The lights, the songs, the commercials, it’s just too much.  We need to tone it down, to cut back, to celebrate Christmas the way our ancestors did when the United States was great.  Who’s with me on that?”

Do I even need to tell you, Modern Philosophers, that the masses when absolutely wild for the man when he posed that question?

Santa“Lastly, I’m going to build a giant wall around November to keep out Christmas, the reindeer, all the jolly little elves, the carolers, the two bit con men who are just looking to make a quick buck and rip off hard working Americans.  Then I’m going to make Santa Claus pay for the wall!”

Absolute bedlam on the streets outside Trump Tower after that.

Meanwhile, up at the North Pole…

“Ho, ho, ho-rrible idea, Austin,” Santa Claus told this Modern Philosopher via Skype.  “It looks like I’m going to have to buy up all the coal mines in West Virginia just to have enough coal to put in Donald’s stocking this year!”

Santa then let loose with a jolly belly laugh, and assured me that this would never be an issue.  “That’s because Santa Claus exists, but there’s no such thing as President Trump!”

Early polling indicates that Trump has received a minor boost from his announcement, but political pundits believe that the numbers will level off once Ben Carson awakens from his nap and calmly talks about the joy Christmas brings to our country.

Trump 4Until then, however, Trump is intent on waging his War Against Christmas, and he believes he will be rewarded with a sparkling new Presidency under his Christmas Tree next December.

“I’m great.  This idea is great.  America will be great again when I’m President.  Stick that in your stocking and see what happens.”

Happy Election Day.  Stay tuned for more coverage of the next crazy thing out of the mouth of a 2016 Presidential Candidate…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Trump To Criminalize All Pre-December Christmas Decorations

  1. wait…I’m sorry if I’m being dumb here but may i ask if this happened for real or is it fiction as always? I haven’t seen the news for a long while(as i’m not really into watching the news in the first place), and I know that Trump is capable of this sort of madness so tell me please i’m really confused…

  2. ksbeth says:

    with trump, no snowball is left unturned..

  3. donedreaming says:

    How do you get so excited about Halloween and celebrate for a month, but then not enjoy the run up to Christmas?? I’m already breaking out the twinkly lights! The Donald is a party pooper and I can only put it down to no-one asked him to be in the Christmas Panto this year – although his hair will be appearing in Puss in Boots at a local theatre (you’ll have to look Panto up, it’s a weird British thing!) 😀

  4. donedreaming says:

    Ah well that’s why Christmas starts in September over here because we have nothing in-between. We really need to invent more ‘Days’..

  5. If everyone stopped talking about Trump and the news refused to print his name, he might just go away. He’s like the little kid pulling on his mother’s skirts yelling, “Look at me! Look at me!”

  6. markbialczak says:

    A year to go, Austin. Such fertile ground.

  7. Gail Kaufman says:

    The idea of Trump wanting to tone down and scale back anything is about as believable as Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer, especially a holiday that makes sales skyrocket.

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