Does someone you care about always seem sleepy and in need of a nap? Is that person snoring right now and interrupting your reading of this very important blog post?
Fear not, Modern Philosophers, because scientists might have figured out what’s wrong with the Rip Van Winkle in your life. According to a new report released by the Society of Neurologists, Otolaryngologists, and Respiratory Enthusiasts (SNORE), he or she might be suffering from Carson-ism.
As in Dr. Ben Carson, the former Neurosurgeon and current front runner for the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination!
“Dr. Carson does often appear sleepy, possibly asleep, or in deep REM sleep when he is interviewed,” Dr. Zachary Z. Zanthos, Acting Chairman of SNORE, explained to this Modern Philosopher. “However, that is anything but the case. Dr. Carson actually experiences a unique condition wherein his body slows down all its essential functions when a stressful situation presents itself.”
“Precisely,” Dr. Zanthos agreed. “While most of us find our heart rate spiking, our breathing accelerating, and our sweat glands working overtime when faced with an anxious moment, Dr. Carson experiences the exact opposite. It looks like sleep, but in reality, it is a keen state of awareness.”
“We have studied Dr. Carson for months now, both from afar and from very up close and personal in our laboratory, and we are absolutely amazed by this condition. It only made sense to name it in his honor.”
Carson-ism is believed to be present in about 1 out of every 850,000 people, which makes it rare and exciting for scientists.
“Usually, when we come across a new medical condition, it’s something bad,” said one of the old school scientists pictured on the left, who I keep around The House on the Hill for whenever I need a medical opinion for a blog post. “When you throw in that it’s rare, that’s often a death sentence.”
But Carson-ism won’t kill you. Sure, that oddly placed hyphen might bother the crap out of a grammar nerd, but it’s not going to lead to death.
Carson-ism actually sounds like a good thing, maybe even a sign that humans are evolving to a point where stress can be handled naturally, instead of with expensive medications.
“Hold up!” Big Pharma just screamed loudly enough to register a 3.3 reading on the Richter Scale.
“As I mentioned previously, Austin, Carson-ism isn’t quite yet sweeping the nation,” Dr. Zanthos reminded me in a very soothing voice that made me somewhat sleepy. “Right now, Carson-ism is new, it’s different, it’s hip, and it’s piquing a lot of interest. It’s going to take some time, however, before we know for sure if Carson-ism is just a passing fad or a condition that will play a much more prevalent role in our nation’s future.”
I’m sure that if he were awake, he’d tell me, in a very calm voice, that having this condition named after him was a tremendous honor, and he’d have much more to say about it further down the line. Once he’s had a chance to sleep on it.
If you believe that you, or someone you love might have Carson-ism, contact SNORE at 800-ZZZ-SHHH for more information. Or you can visit their website at SNORE.org.