“Look, I know they make up half the population, and we need them for re-population purposes, but that don’t mean we gotta have a lady President,” Lewis, the Grand High Boobah and President In Chief of Men First told this Modern Philosopher.
Yes, that was my guest’s official title.
Yes, he went by only Lewis, and explained that all a real man needs is one manly name.
“Austin is a damn manly name,” Lewis set me straight as we drank Snapple on the front porch of The House on the Hill. “Austin’s the capital of Texas, which is gotta be the manliest state of all. It’s also the name of a kick ass wrestler and the Bionic Man.”
We were out on the porch, despite the November chill, because there was no way I was going to allow such a sexist pig inside my home.
“I know Hillary wants to be President, and she thinks if she says it over and over, the men of this country will let her have it just to shut her up, but she’s got another thing coming,” Just Lewis made clear.
Men First boasts members in all fifty states, “even the ones that are a little fruity” (his words, not mine!). I suspect the group’s full name is Men First, Sexism A Close Second, Utter Stupidity Third, and Common Sense and Decency Dead Least.
Just think of the printing costs to put the group’s whole name on its propaganda.
I mean literature.
“America was founded by men, and women have always been happy to let us lead the way,” Lewis continued with his one man sexist history lesson. “It’s gotta stay that way for America to be great. You ain’t gotta be a genius to know every head on Mount Rushmore is a guy’s. You don’t need no college degree to know every President ever in the history of American Presidents has used the men’s room when he’s gone to the can. What are they gonna suddenly put a ladies’ room in the Oval Office? My tax dollars ain’t paying for that!”
I did a lot of listening during this interview, Modern Philosophers. I also drank four bottles of Snapple to keep me from saying something I’d regret.
“President Clinton is an honorary member of Men First. When we open a Men First Hall of Fame, he’s gonna be a first ballot electoree.”
So the members of Men First have nothing against Hillary Clinton personally? It’s just that she’s a woman?
“You hit the bull right on the nose,” Lewis agreed as he further mangled English. “She’s a great lady politician, and was an awesome First Lady. Remember how pretty she was? Now she looks all scary and worn out from trying to do a man’s job. But when she was First Lady, she was a looker. You got a picture of her from back then you can put in the post? Not that I wanna stare at it, but it’s fun to do Throw Back Thursday, you know?”
“She was great at being Secretary of State, which clearly is a lady’s job since it’s got secretary right in the title,” Lewis rambled on even with his foot in his mouth. “You ever watch that show Madam Secretary with Tea Leoni playing a much hotter version of Hillary as the Secretary of State? Now that’s a dame I could almost kinda picture as President.”
“She’d have my vote for sure if she was Tea Leoni from Bad Boys,” he purred. “You ever seen that flick? The legs on her in that. My God. I’d vote for her just if she promised to wear a short skirt for eight years.”
For the record, Lewis picked out the photo on the left to run in this post.
Oh, Lewis, you grammatically challenged Neanderthal. Do I need to contact Miss Leoni’s people and warn them about you?
“Te men of Men First, ain’t liking the idea of a lady President. I know you think this is your time, Hillary, but you’ve already had your years in the White House being a great wife to your husband the President,” he declared once he had totally defiled a collection of Tea Leoni photos in his mind.
“You gotta understand, though, when the President of the United States of America sits down with that crazy weirdo who runs Russia, our President can’t be distracted wondering how he looks with his shirt off. Or what it would be like to kiss the Commie bastard. You can’t guarantee that ain’t gonna happen if we let a lady be President.”
The members of Men First have spoken, and they really need you back in the kitchen or the laundry room where you belong. The choice is yours. Or maybe you should ask Bill where you should be since you are his wife, after all.
I know I don’t need to say this, Modern Philosophers, but the views of today’s guest are not even close to the views of this blog, the blogger, or most intelligent people.
I had the interns do some digging, and they discovered Lewis’ full name.
It’s Robin Lewis.
Something tells me that unisex name, which is more known as a female name, explains a lot about Lewis’ not so Deep Thoughts on this or any subject…