If I Were Dictator Of The Universe…

Palpatine throneA long time ago,

When I was

Much younger,

Completely foolish,

And knew

Next to nothing

About intergalactic politics,

I would make

Bold proclamations



I’d do

If I were

Dictator of the Universe.

Of course,

Since I was

Completely naive,

I never said




My not so

Deep Thoughts

Were nuggets like

“I’d make

Cathy Fitzpatrick

Go out with me!”

“I’d take over

As owner of

The Yankees!”

Or the infamous

“I’d make


Four days long!”

With statements

Like those,

I would’ve

Been assassinated

Within a matter

Of days.

Praise Zeus

I never became

Dictator of the Universe

In my youth.

PalpatineI am older,


And look awesome

In a hoodie.

While I’m still

No closer to

Intergalactic domination,

I have

Searched my feelings,

Communed with

My inner Yoda,

And know

I could


The Universe

Like a boss!

Cathy Fitzpatrick

Has missed

Her chance

To be

My Empress,

But that

Is her loss.

The Yankees

Are in good hands,

As long as


Is the GM.

As Dictator,

I’d want



So weekends

Would remain

At two days.

If that!

My Deep Thoughts

As Emperor

Would be

Much deeper.

I’d focus

On developing

And perfecting

Time Travel.

I’d broker

A peace


All worlds.

I’d construct

A Vacation Palace

On the moon.

Most importantly,

I’d want Humans

And Aliens

To be friends.

If there’s no war,

Then no one

Wants to kill

The Dictator.

Palpatine and VaderOf course,

I’d have

A powerful

Second in command,

But I’d

Make sure,

He was loyal.

I’d insist upon

Looking him

In the eye

When we talked.

That means

No mask wearers

Need apply.

I would have

A powerful military,

But use it


To do good.

Since I’m not

A fan

Of science,

I’d decline

Any offers

Of a Clone Army.

I would also


A Clown Army.

Those weirdos


Be trusted!

death starAs Dictator of the Universe,

I would encourage

Intergalactic travel.

I would make sure

Every planet

Had an excellent

Space Program,

And that

Space Travel

Was subsidized

By the Government

So that

All beings

Could travel equally.

I would

Never allow

The construction of

A Death Star.

I most certainly

Would not allow

The construction of

A second

Death Star

If the first one,

Which would

Never exist,

Were destroyed

And thousands

Of lives

Were lost,

Along with billions

Of tax dollars.

If I were

Dictator of the Universe,

I’d be a Dictator

Like no other

Any life form

Has ever seen!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Poetry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to If I Were Dictator Of The Universe…

  1. The Hook says:

    You’d have my vote, buddy…

  2. Tim Gatewood says:

    I think I’ve read at least one recent SF story that started from this premise. Hmm. Is it possible to be a good dictator? Seems very unlikely.

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