Scientists Baffled By Why Women Take Such Long Showers

Psycho“I’ll need about an hour,” The Sweet Irish Girl called over her shoulder as she vanished into the bathroom.

“Okay, sweetie,” I mumbled until my sleepy brain had processed what she had actually said.  “Wait!  What?”

And with a click of the bathroom door lock, she was gone.

Had she really just informed me that it was going to require an hour to take a shower?  Did she understand that this was a process I’d just completed in about ten minutes in that very room with the exact same equipment?

Perhaps water pressure was different in Ireland.  Maybe this was another of her metrics versus normal American measurement issues.  Did an Irish hour equal sixty American minutes?  Or was an hour to the lass like fifteen minutes to me?

All I knew for certain was that I was starving, desperate to get to the restaurant before they stopped serving breakfast (all you can eat buffet…bacon for miles!!!), and sixty minutes of shower time would not only cause me to die of starvation, but it would also cause my water bill to skyrocket.

Of course, the water bill wouldn’t matter if I were dead from lack of nourishment.

So at least I had that going for me.

The fact remained that my Modern Philosopher’s brain had to understand why a girl shower took so much longer than a boy one.

After all, don’t guys have that extra part down there that needs to be cleaned?

scientistsAnyone who reads this blog regularly knows that I keep a Team of Serious Looking Scientists on retainer to answer my scientific questions.

I sent the intern with the Popeye tattoo to fetch the lab coated nerds, and bring them to me at The House on the Hill.

Once they had arranged their beakers and lit their Bunsen burners, I tasked them with explaining why women needed more time in the shower than men.

As expected, the male scientists were completely useless.  One of them admitted, for a reason that completely escaped me, to having never seen a woman naked.

Luckily, the female scientists were able to offer some insight.

“Women take better care of their bodies, and see personal hygiene as an excuse to primp and make themselves look and smell amazing,” one scientist explained.

“Men are pigs,” a much more angry female scientists continued.  “They thinks that rubbing a bar of soap under their pits and then shampooing their hair constitutes a proper shower.  That’s why some of you never get to see us naked.”

The male scientist who made the odd confession bowed his head in shame.

“For a woman, a shower is a process.  It sets the tone for the day and allows her to present the best version of herself to the world,” the nice one added.

“Men are pigs,” the mean one snapped.  “They think that changing their underwear a couple of times a week is enough to make the ladies swoon.”

I looked over at the embarrassed male scientist, and he hung his head even lower and his cheeks blushed.

Damn.  That guy had issues.

shower signI know I shouldn’t complain, Modern Philosophers.  One of the very first things I said to The Sweet Irish Girl upon her arrival was that she smelled so good.

She really did.  Like flowers.  And happiness.

It made the butterflies in my tummy flutter.

Sure, that very same stomach is now rumbling uncontrollably because it needs food, but a little hunger is a small price to pay to have a beautiful woman by my side all day.

One who smells so damn good and looks like she stepped out of a modelling shoot.

What is she getting in return?  An unshaven bacon craver, who thinks he’s dressed up because he put on a clean toga and applied some deodorant.

I most likely won’t get my bacon.  Besides, The Sweet Irish Girl refers to it as “rasher”.  Who taught them how to talk over on that side of the pond?


Male ones who took quick showers so they could go back to counting their gold coins.

shower stallIt’s been a long time since anyone else took a shower at The House on the Hill, Modern Philosophers, so I guess that’s why this discrepancy in shower times threw me so much.

You know what?  I really like having someone else running up the water bill and blasting her crazy Irish pop music while she makes herself gorgeous.

The House on the Hill has needed an infusion of life like this.  Truth be told, I’d happily wait more than an hour just for the privilege of getting to spend the rest of my day with The Sweet Irish Girl.

Plus, I got to spend that hour writing this blog post!

And, yes, Modern Philosophers, I’m very excited to watch the Notre Dame game with her later.  She’s already asked for a Notre Dame item to wear, and I don’t see how The Fighting Irish can possibly lose with a well showered Irish Lass cheering for them.

Now that I’ve figured out this shower issue, I’m going to focus my Deep Thoughts on helping that poor, pathetic scientist with female issues.

It’s the least I can do now that Irish eyes are smiling on me…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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37 Responses to Scientists Baffled By Why Women Take Such Long Showers

  1. grannyK says:

    I take about ten minutes from start to finish for a shower. When my nephew lived here, his shower time was about 40 minutes, and then he spent about 2 hours on his hair. That is no exaggeration at all. I have never known a guy that spent so much time getting ready for a day! If it takes me more than 30 minutes to get ready for work, it drives me nuts lol

  2. AthenaC says:

    And that is the absolute BEST reason to have your routine disrupted – someone to share your disrupted routine with!

  3. The clue to the long-showering Irish girl may be the very fact that she’s Irish. Up until recently, water has not been metered in Ireland and so baths and long showers didn’t cost anything extra. The nation is soon to be metered on how much H2O they use and I think bathtubs will become obsolete and shower times will reduce drastically. Even running the tap while brushing teeth might become a thing of the past. I predict a massive surge in the sale of deoderant and wet wipes.

  4. cherry says:

    I take like 5 minutes …where as my father takes forever. :’D

  5. SD Gates says:

    Showers are wonderful. No one bothers one while they are showering. It is just the sound of falling water and the warmth. It is hypnotic. I believe my shower may have a wormhole in it, because I go into some kind of weird time warp. I will take a “quick” shower and think I have done really well, and discover after I get out, that I have been in there for 30 minutes. It is puzzling how that happens.

  6. Glenda says:

    My husband’s showers are consistently longer than mine; does that mean he’s cleaner than me? LOL I hope not.

  7. A post showered with sassy fun and scientific inquiry. Showers are wonderful meditative times, and times to let muscles relax under the warm water, rub the body with lavender shower gel, and scrub off the day’s (or night’s) problems. I agree your sweet Irish girl. She’s a keeper!

  8. donedreaming says:

    Showers aren’t just for getting clean. They are like a warm hug, relaxing, meditative. Gives you time to contemplate and breathe. Then you need to add on the time it takes to wipe it all down afterwards!! You could always get in there with her .. bet you forget about the bacon then 🙂

  9. The sample size must have been biased. My husband takes longer showers than I do. I’m done in 5-10 mins tops. I know of guys who take ages to dress up…and whyyyyy…? The research needs probing! 😉

    Congrats on your newfound distraction! 😊

  10. “I most likely won’t get my bacon. Besides, The Sweet Irish Girl refers to it as “rasher”. Who taught them how to talk over on that side of the pond?


    Male ones who took quick showers so they could go back to counting their gold coins.” I read this to my husband & we are both laughing! He asked me to read it twice!

  11. Gail Kaufman says:

    Oh, don’t be so literal, Austin. “Shower” probably also includes shave, exfoliate, apply makeup, style hair, floss and clip nails.

  12. Pamela says:

    Us ladies are worth the wait after our grooming process . We like to look nice for ourselves but we take extra time to please our man . I’m sure you appreciate the lovely lass not only enjoying your shower but the House on the Hill .

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