Targeting Irish Mallrats

mall 1Mallrats, even though it is directed by Kevin Smith, is not one of my favorite films, Modern Philosophers.

Perhaps it’s because Smith got too big budget and commercial right after his super indie, micro budget film Clerks.

Or maybe it’s just because the flick was set at the mall.

I’m not a fan of the mall.

Or shopping in general.

The Hopeless Romantic in me, however, is a huge fan of making that someone special happy.  So when The Sweet Irish Girl got all giddy about going to the mall, I was delighted to escort her there.

So off we went, camera crew in tow, to visit the Bangor Mall…

Mall 2I’m not sure if The Sweet Irish Girl ever ran track, but I think she might qualify for Ireland’s next Olympic Team with the time she put up running from Zombie Car to the front door of the mall.

The camera crew was winded just trying to keep up with her!

Mall 3Look at her staring at the makeup counter like she’s mesmerized.  I think I even saw her lips moving in silent prayer…

Mall 4The Sweet Irish Girl, who’s clearly trying to blend in with Maine’s popular lumberjack fashion movement, was thrilled to learn there was a Starbucks in the mall.

This Modern Philosopher, who is not a coffee drinker, was just happy to find out their cups weren’t emblazoned with crazy Holiday cheer.  It’s too early for Christmas!

Mall 5I nearly had a panic attack, Modern Philosophers, at the sight of this snowman.

It made me think that my old nemesis, Snow Miser, was nearby and desperate to cause a little trouble while I was just trying to have a relaxing vacation.

Luckily, my anxiety meds kicked in and Mall Security was willing to drop the charges for what I did to the snowman if I promised to never again enter that store.

Mall 6The one thing I absolutely, positively had to find at the mall was a second shoe.  I’ve been limping around wearing only this left one for days, and I think my right foot was beginning to think I didn’t love it anymore.

Truth be told, the left one is my favorite, but I understand it’s wrong to give one foot special treatment over another.

Mall 7The Sweet Irish Girl waiting for the lunch time kickball game to begin in Target’s parking lot.  Apparently in Ireland, whoever sits on the kickball gets to be team captain.

I really don’t understand some of the rules on that side of the pond.

Mall 15I almost forgot to mention that we went to Chipolte for lunch.

My burrito was mucho bueno (who’s multilingual now, Modern Philosophers???) and actually reminded me of the burritos I’d get when I lived in California.

Of course here, they are served without a side of smog and snark…

Mall 8I make friends everywhere I go.  Even with Imperial Clones.

I just wanted to take this little guy home with me, but I guess that technically might have possibly been considered shoplifting.

And we all know I’m too pretty for prison.

Mall 9Every once in a while, I NEED to unleash my inner Wookie.

Of course, I always check first to make sure there are no actual Wookies in the vicinity.  I’m told they hate it when humans do impressions of them.

Lighten up, fur balls!

Mall 10So, yeah, I have interests outside of Star Wars.

Just in case you were wondering.

I happen to be a very serious collector of men’s robes.  The Sorting Hat clearly sorted me to Target for a reason.

Mall 11Donald Trump let me borrow his hair for this post.

He’ll do anything for a little publicity.  I might know a thing or two about that…

Mall 12Oh, yeah, the whole point of this trip was to make someone else happy, wasn’t it?  Better catch up with The Sweet Irish Girl and remind her how much I hate shopping.

Man, are we ever going to leave this….ooooo, are those Star Wars figures over there????

Mall 13Look, we’ve all been there, Modern Philosophers.  A wild night spent devouring ice cream and chugging Listerine.

When that night finally ends, you’re going to need a brand new pillow on which to rest your weary head…

Mall 14There was no way I was sending this beautiful rugby fan back to the Emerald Isle without some Yankees souvenir.

Someone’s got to teach those lazy Leprechauns about the greatest sports team on the planet, am I right?

So that was how I spent my day, Modern Philosophers.  Dragged along, kicking and screaming, from store to store in the mall.

It’s a wonder I didn’t die of boredom.

Did I mention she bought me a Darth Vader key chain!!!!  The Force is strong in her…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Targeting Irish Mallrats

  1. I’ve been off the grid for several weeks and I come back to find THE Modern Philosopher at the mall with nothing less than a woman. Is there romance in the air?! Or am I missing something?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s