I remember there being some movie about their progress, and John Wayne would refer to folks as Pilgrim from time to time, but I don’t think that had anything at all to do with Thanksgiving.
I suppose, if I were to put on my special Thanksgiving Toga (it’s black and has a ton of shiny buckles!) and really form Deep Thoughts about these early American settlers, the one thing I’d absolutely want to know was:
Why didn’t the Pilgrims discover Thanksgiving on a Monday?
I know that the Pilgrims didn’t discover America. The Aliens did that, then showed the Vikings how to get here, but before they left for a faraway galaxy, the Aliens left behind giant eggs.
And from those Alien eggs, turkeys were born.
So while the Pilgrims might have discovered Thanksgiving, they did have some help from those Founding Father Aliens, who planted the seed by leaving behind the eggs, that hatched the turkeys, that led to the first feast.
That much of my Pilgrim history I know for sure.
What I don’t get, though, is why they just didn’t discover Thanksgiving on a Monday.
When the Aliens visited the Pilgrim leaders in their sleep, and used mind control to convince them to leave England on a great journey into the unknown, they probably should have also planted the idea that everyone loves a long weekend.
It’s a well known fact that the Mayflower was escorted across the Atlantic Ocean by UFOs, which the Pilgrims thought were stars. They followed the stars blindly across the waters because they were desperate for freedom, a fresh start, and a great place to throw a wild all you can eat late Autumn party.
There ain’t no party like a Pilgrim party.
No one is disputing that.
Why couldn’t they have thrown this shindig on a Monday, though?
Scientists will probably never know why the Pilgrims became extinct. The theory that has always made the most sense to me, though, is that wearing black all the time made them so depressed that they went out in a mass suicide…perhaps by eating poisoned turkey.
Maybe the Aliens came back, saw that the Pilgrims weren’t making the progress they’d hoped, so they loaded them onto the Mothership and took them to a Galaxy far, far away.
For all we know, once they were relocated to this far away galaxy a long time ago, Pilgrim fashion might have inspired the look of one of the most famous intergalactic leaders of all time. You know what I’m saying?
Since the Pilgrims died out, vanished, or went into hiding, we will never know for sure why they set up Thanksgiving on a Thursday.
It’s pretty obvious, though, that their horrible planning clearly had something to do with their demise.
Maybe if the Pilgrims spent a little less time on trying to make Goth happen, and a little more time looking at a calendar, we would be gearing up for the three day Thanksgiving weekend in this great, Alien discovered nation we call America.
In the end, we probably have the Aliens to blame, but since they have the superior technology and firepower, we really don’t want to get into any kind of a fight with them over the fact that Thanksgiving isn’t on a Monday.
I mean, they look all sweet and doe eyed, but how do we know what’s going on inside those giant heads?
So let’s blame The Pilgrims. They’re not around to defend themselves.
Do me a favor, though, Modern Philosophers and try to have a Happy Thanksgiving. I know it’s weird for the holiday to fall on a Thursday, but just make an effort to pretend that’s a cool and exciting idea.
Plus, Christmas is on a Friday this year, so we have that long weekend to look forward to next month!