It’s Cyber Monday: Bow Before Your Robot Masters!

Cyber Monday 1It’s Cyber Monday, Modern Philosophers, and as far as I can tell from the safety of my basement bunker, The Machines have not yet begun The Robot Apocalypse.

Of course, this is no thanks to those of you who logged onto the interwebs today and used technology to snap up amazing deals at serious discounts.

“But the shipping is free, Austin!  How could I resist?” asked one human just before The Machines took control of her mind and enslaved her for all eternity.

Have we gone mad, Modern Philosophers?


Allow me to rephrase that.

Have we become even madder than usual, Modern Philosophers?

Have I taught you nothing about Robot High Command, The Machines, and their nefarious plans to enslave mankind via The Robot Apocalypse?

Meet your new Master!

Meet your new Master!

Granted, I try to keep things upbeat and lovely in my minuscule nugget of the blogosphere, but that doesn’t mean I have to let reason and common sense go the way of rotary phones, AOL, and Jeb Bush’s Presidential aspirations!

Technology is not our friend.  We’re led to believe (by Robot High Command!) that electronic gadgets make our lives easier.

They don’t.

They turn our brains to mush, expand our waistlines, and make us dependent on machines to do the most basic of human tasks.

Want to know how your friend is doing?  Walk over to his house, ring the doorbell, and ask him when he answers the door.

Don’t text him, tweet at him, or leave a message on his Facebook wall.  And for the love of Zeus, don’t send him a snap chat of your vine on the Instagram like some weirdo!

How Robot High Command wants us to picture The Machines

How Robot High Command wants us to picture The Machines

Cyber Monday is a key step in The Machines’ plan to gain access to our lives, enslave us, and then discard us for a newer, updated version in a few months.

What ever happened to going Christmas shopping?  I’m talking about bundling up against the cold, writing out a shopping list, and then hitting the stores?

Some of my clearest childhood Christmas memories are of walking out to 86th Street, which was where the big stores were in Bay Ridge, armed with my Christmas list, the money I’d managed to squirrel away over the course of the year, and a dream to make Santa Claus so proud of me that he’d bring me everything on my wish list.

I can still remember the panic of being in those packed stores, all alone, trying to find that one item I absolutely had to have for my Dad.  Or debating if my little sister really deserved a second present since she was such a pain in the butt.

That’s how Santa Claus intended Christmas shopping to be done when he invented the Holiday.  He didn’t want us tapping buttons on our phones while we’re waiting for the light the change on the way to work.

Christmas is supposed to be about sweating because you’re uncomfortably overdressed in a packed store, elbowing your way through a crowd of strangers, while desperately trying to figure out how $13 is going to make Christmas happen for your entire family.

This is obviously an impostor Santa Claus!

This is obviously an impostor Santa Claus!

The Machines want us to take part in Cyber Monday so that we become totally dependent on technology to complete what should be the most human of all tasks…buying Christmas presents for the people we love.

Don’t let Robot High Command win, Modern Philosophers!

Unplug on Cyber Monday and every other day of the Holiday Season for that matter.  Put on your heavy jacket, hand write a shopping list, and trudge out to that crowded mall and enjoy Christmas the way Santa intended.

You might hate doing it while you are sweating profusely and dealing with out of control crowds, but you’ll be glad you did it later when you’re enjoying your freedom because you have not been enslaved by The Machines.

Cute can still be evil!

Cute can still be evil!

Let’s celebrate the Holidays the way they did back when George Bailey was running around looking for Mary, or when Tiny Tim was blessing everyone of us.

Ignore technology, throw a log on the fire, and sing Christmas Carols as you sip eggnog and stare at the lights on the tree.  Send a rousing “F you!” to The Machines with all the Christmas Spirit you can possibly muster!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to It’s Cyber Monday: Bow Before Your Robot Masters!

  1. grannyK says:

    I did not shop online! I won’t even let myself look at any of the deals. I will just ignore the entire thing. I think that is best.

  2. The Cutter says:

    If they’re gonna keep giving me awesome discounts, they can rule all they want to!

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