All I Want For Christmas Is a Few More Hours In The Day

lighten bagDear Santa,  I know I’m too old to be writing to you at Christmas, and this never really worked when I was kid, but I’m a better writer now, so I’m giving it a shot.

All I want for Christmas is a few more hours in the day.  Twenty-four just isn’t cutting it anymore, and I need you to use your Santa Magic to elongate the day for me simply so I can get everything done.

It’s not like I plan to squander it.  There’s just too much to do and not enough time in a typical day to get it done.  I’m getting too old for this $%^&.

Nite Show SketchI stayed up so late last night writing monologue jokes for tomorrow night’s taping of The Nite Show.

I was able to get a lot of the crazy jokes out of my head and onto paper with the assistance of the voices in my head, but I still have two more shows to write tonight.

We’re taping the Christmas episode tomorrow, so I really want to deck the halls of the Gracie Theatre with my best jokes.  Don’t you want me to be able to spread Christmas Joy and Holiday Cheer, Santa Claus?

After going to bed late, I got up early to run.  Yes, I’m that dedicated to losing weight and staying healthy that I was up at the butt crack of dawn to run in 25 degree weather.

Austin run 3Look at how cold I am in this photo, Santa.  Can you tell from my weary eyes that I’m actually sound asleep with my eyes open?

Sure, it would’ve been easy to stay in bed this morning and get an extra hour and a half of sleep, but that’s not how this Modern Philosopher rolls, St. Nick.

I knew that today was my Wellness check in at work, and there was big money on the line.  If I could achieve four of my Wellness benchmarks, my medical insurance would be basically free for the next year.

What were the chances of the Fates smiling upon me if I were to stay in bed to catch up on sleep I lost because I stayed up late writing?

Guess what, Santa?  I hit my goals!  My numbers were even better than last year, so I’m apparently getting healthier in my old age.

If I keep running, dieting, and can shed a few more pounds, I’ll accomplish the last of my goals and my company will pay money into my HSA account.  So I just need a few more hours so I can still go for a run, cook healthier meals, and lift weights.

And then, Santa Claus, we have My Sweet Irish Girl.  Because she is six time zones away, I rush home so I can talk to her before she goes to sleep.  I love her very much, and she is my top priority, so I would like to have a few extra hours in the day to talk to her.

You see, talking to her pushes my writing back an hour, which keeps me up even later every night, which means less sleep because I have to get up early to run.  Are you following me, Big Guy?

heros 5Tonight, my Sweetheart was adorably drunk when I called her in Switzerland.  I love talking to her when she is tipsy because she tends to ramble on, rather sweetly, about how much she loves and misses me.

What guy wouldn’t want that?

So even though I was dead on my feet, I sprawled out on the couch and listened to that drunken brogue tell me all about her day.  She put a smile on my face big enough to light up the living room, and I completely forgot how exhausted I was.

Tonight’s call was extra special, Santa, because my girlfriend started reading .33 Reverse Gunter today.  You know that’s my favorite of all the screenplays I’ve written, and I was so entertained by her tipsy thoughts on my script.

Then she made me recount my stories of meeting Dr. Dre to talk about Gunther, and that reminded me of how badly I want to succeed as a screenwriter and take her to the premieres of my movies.

So I need a few more hours in the day to get some screenwriting done on top of writing jokes for The Nite Show and coming up with posts for this blog.

Did I mention I also have a full time job as well?

I’ve been a good boy this year.  Do you think you could make sure I get this one thing for Christmas?  I promise to use some of my extra time to send you a proper thank you note.

Christmas FireplaceThanks for listening, Santa.  Hope all is well at the North Pole, and that toy production is on or ahead of schedule.

Give my best to Mrs. Claus, and remind Rudolph he still owes me twenty bucks.

Merry Christmas!



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to All I Want For Christmas Is a Few More Hours In The Day

  1. I so agree. And the older you get, the more hours you need. I need about 4 extra hours a day. And it’s increasing. Merry Christmas!

  2. The Cutter says:

    You think you need more time? Try raising twins!

  3. Santa can’t give you more hours in a day.
    You’re setting yourself up for disappointment. 😉

    • Austin says:

      Bite your tongue! Santa can do anything!!!

      • No he can’t! His wife told him to lay off the hot chocolate and cookies because he is getting too heavy and his cholesterol is sky high. So he tried. Christmas Eve started out with good intentions. But, he got halfway through the night and simply couldn’t pass up another plate of cookies. He just couldn’t do it.
        And so, he went on a hot chocolate cookie binge for the next 5 hours. Don’t tell his wife.

  4. Ritu says:

    Oh I could sure do with a few of those hours too!!!

  5. donedreaming says:

    Well done on hitting your goals,. Thank God and Santa that we have the National Health Service over here and it’s all free! I only want more hours in the day so I can sleep more …

  6. adamjasonp says:

    Be careful what you wish for; you may get those extra hours when you don’t want them!

  7. C’mon Santa, this is important.

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