Star Wars Fever Severely Disrupts North Pole Toy Production

north-poleA long time ago, at a workshop far, far away…

Santa’s Elves were hard at work making the toys that good little girls and boys all over the world will be receiving on Christmas.

That was, until Star Wars Fever gripped the North Pole, Modern Philosophers.  Suddenly, Santa’s Workshop was much quieter and alarmingly less crowded than it was supposed to be this time of year.

Where had all the Elves gone?

They’ve left the North Pole to stand in line at movie theaters across the world for the much anticipated premiere of Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Doesn’t the North Pole have a movie theater?  Couldn’t Santa Claus have pulled some strings to get an advance screening of the movie everyone wants to see this holiday season, regardless of whether they celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, or Kwanzaa?

Santa“Quite honestly, Austin, I dropped the ball,” Santa admitted via Skype as he looked at his list, and then checked it twice.

“Sure, we have a movie theater, but it’s a longstanding tradition for it to play Christmas movies for the entire month of December,” St. Nick went on to explain.  “I was so caught up in Christmas, that I totally blanked on the fact that the new Star Wars movie was coming out, which seems impossible given that all the Christmas Wish Lists I’ve received are packed with requests for Star Wars toys.”

How could Santa forget that his workforce is made up almost entirely of Star Wars Fan Elves?  You don’t need to use The Force to realize that.

“Human Resources apparently sent me a ton of e-mails about the overwhelming number of days off requests they received for this week, but it’s the middle of December.  Do you really think I have time to just sit down at my computer and check my e-mail?”

“When I’m not making my list, and then checking it twice, I’m meeting with the Reindeer to plot a flight plan for Christmas Eve,” he sighed in exhaustion as he pushed his glasses back up on his nose.

“After that, I’m sitting down with the accountants to make sure that we’re staying on budget, and then making calls to secure the additional capital we need when we inevitably go over budget.  Once that’s done, it’s off to read another batch of letters from kiddos all over the world.”

Santa walks through his workshop with the laptop so that I can see that it is like a ghost town during what should be the busiest time of year.

The few Elves that have stayed behind are either Trekkies, or devout Santa loyalists who would never think of abandoning Santa during his time of need.

In other words, they’d never be seduced by the Dark Side…

"Screw the toys. We want to see Star Wars!"- Anonymous Elf

“Screw the toys. We want to see Star Wars!”- Anonymous Elf

So bottom line, what does this mean for Christmas?

“Well, we always get off to a fast start, and then there is the usual Hanukkah lull,” Santa explained as he sat at his desk and sipped some eggnog.  “This week is traditionally the busiest of all at the North Pole, so I’d estimate that we have about 70% of the toys we need to be ready for Christmas.”

When I asked Santa Claus if he had a backup plan should an emergency like this ever arise, he paused a long time before answering.

“The Chinese have offered to take over toy production, and they’ve promised to not only meet quota by Christmas Eve, but they’ve also quoted me a price that is about half of my current budget.”

jedi dark sideI could’ve sworn I heard the Imperial March playing in the background when Santa laid out that plan.

“As tempting as that sounds, I’ve searched my feelings and something feels very wrong with that idea.  I sense a disturbance in the Christmas Spirit when I consider allowing the Chinese to replace my Elves.”

So what’s going to become of Christmas?

“I’ve got some calls in to my friends at Disney, as well as to J.J. Abrams and Daisy Ridley,” Santa replied as he stroked his beard.  “I’m hoping to set up some sort of ultimate Star Wars Christmas Experience here at the North Pole if the Elves complete their work in time for Christmas Eve.”

But will the promise of such a reward be enough to make up for a lost week of work, along with all the goofing off that is sure to go on once the Elves return, as they excitedly talk about The Force Awakens during their shifts?

Jedi daisy“I know a thing or two about Christmas Miracles,” Santa assured me and smiled for the first time during our conversation.  “Plus, never underestimate the power of The Force, or the chance to meet Daisy Ridley in the flesh.”

May The Force be with you, Santa Claus.  Sounds like you’re really going to need it!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Star Wars Fever Severely Disrupts North Pole Toy Production

  1. That is great piece of writing. Still laughing. 😆

  2. Kristina Farrow says:

    Awesome! Clever and well-written. So cute. I hope you don’t mind if I share on Facebook! 🙂

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