Santa’s Elves were hard at work making the toys that good little girls and boys all over the world will be receiving on Christmas.
That was, until Star Wars Fever gripped the North Pole, Modern Philosophers. Suddenly, Santa’s Workshop was much quieter and alarmingly less crowded than it was supposed to be this time of year.
Where had all the Elves gone?
They’ve left the North Pole to stand in line at movie theaters across the world for the much anticipated premiere of Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
Doesn’t the North Pole have a movie theater? Couldn’t Santa Claus have pulled some strings to get an advance screening of the movie everyone wants to see this holiday season, regardless of whether they celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, or Kwanzaa?
“Sure, we have a movie theater, but it’s a longstanding tradition for it to play Christmas movies for the entire month of December,” St. Nick went on to explain. “I was so caught up in Christmas, that I totally blanked on the fact that the new Star Wars movie was coming out, which seems impossible given that all the Christmas Wish Lists I’ve received are packed with requests for Star Wars toys.”
How could Santa forget that his workforce is made up almost entirely of Star Wars Fan Elves? You don’t need to use The Force to realize that.
“Human Resources apparently sent me a ton of e-mails about the overwhelming number of days off requests they received for this week, but it’s the middle of December. Do you really think I have time to just sit down at my computer and check my e-mail?”
“After that, I’m sitting down with the accountants to make sure that we’re staying on budget, and then making calls to secure the additional capital we need when we inevitably go over budget. Once that’s done, it’s off to read another batch of letters from kiddos all over the world.”
Santa walks through his workshop with the laptop so that I can see that it is like a ghost town during what should be the busiest time of year.
The few Elves that have stayed behind are either Trekkies, or devout Santa loyalists who would never think of abandoning Santa during his time of need.
In other words, they’d never be seduced by the Dark Side…
So bottom line, what does this mean for Christmas?
“Well, we always get off to a fast start, and then there is the usual Hanukkah lull,” Santa explained as he sat at his desk and sipped some eggnog. “This week is traditionally the busiest of all at the North Pole, so I’d estimate that we have about 70% of the toys we need to be ready for Christmas.”
When I asked Santa Claus if he had a backup plan should an emergency like this ever arise, he paused a long time before answering.
“The Chinese have offered to take over toy production, and they’ve promised to not only meet quota by Christmas Eve, but they’ve also quoted me a price that is about half of my current budget.”
“As tempting as that sounds, I’ve searched my feelings and something feels very wrong with that idea. I sense a disturbance in the Christmas Spirit when I consider allowing the Chinese to replace my Elves.”
So what’s going to become of Christmas?
“I’ve got some calls in to my friends at Disney, as well as to J.J. Abrams and Daisy Ridley,” Santa replied as he stroked his beard. “I’m hoping to set up some sort of ultimate Star Wars Christmas Experience here at the North Pole if the Elves complete their work in time for Christmas Eve.”
But will the promise of such a reward be enough to make up for a lost week of work, along with all the goofing off that is sure to go on once the Elves return, as they excitedly talk about The Force Awakens during their shifts?
“I know a thing or two about Christmas Miracles,” Santa assured me and smiled for the first time during our conversation. “Plus, never underestimate the power of The Force, or the chance to meet Daisy Ridley in the flesh.”
May The Force be with you, Santa Claus. Sounds like you’re really going to need it!