Why Santa Claus Won’t Be Coming To Town

BruceI just finished watching Bruce Springsteen’s rocking rendition of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” that closed last night’s episode of Saturday Night Live.

I love The Boss, and his version of that tune might very well be my favorite Christmas song of all.

Now, as I wander around The House on the Hill, humming that song, I am starting to think that Santa Claus might very well not be coming to town this year.

Here are my Deep Thoughts as to why…

Indy arkWe haven’t been good for goodness sake!  Do you really think we deserve a visit from Santa Claus after the year we’ve had?  I can’t read the newspaper or watch the news anymore because the world has become such a horrible, violent, hateful place.

The one rule for earning a visit from Jolly Old St. Nick is “Be Good!”.

Indiana Jones has a better chance of finding the Ark of the Covenant than Santa Claus has of finding a reason to hope that things are going to improve south of the North Pole.

Not to be a Grinch, but I think we’re all on the Naughty List permanently.

He’s afraid of being shot down.  The world seems to be stuck in a state of “almost war”, and too many itchy trigger fingers across the Earth have the capability to shoot an object out of the sky.

The friendly skies don’t seem at all hospitable for an unarmed sleigh traveling over the airspace of every country on the planet.

Santa ReindeerHe’s afraid of being taken hostage by terrorists and used as a pawn to bring world leaders to their knees.  Santa Claus is a high profile target for terrorist groups.  He makes no real secret of his flight plan, he’s completely unarmed, and every politician in the world would be under extreme pressure from their children and grandchildren to give the bad men anything they wanted to secure his release.

Santa doesn’t want to be used like that, nor does he want put the children of the world through such anxiety, or be beheaded on YouTube.

If I were him, I’d stay home at The North Pole, tighten security, and leave Christmas to the adults this year.

Too many guns.  Santa Claus is afraid to come out and say it, but he’s freaked out by the number of guns in the world.

He doesn’t want to preach, but on a personal level, he is scared to death that he’ll come down the chimney in the wrong house and be riddled with bullets by an overzealous homeowner who will later testify he was only exercising his God given right to bear arms and defend his home against intruders.

trump 1He’s afraid of being denied entry to the United States.  Santa Claus might be very busy this time of year, but he still has advisers who keep him abreast of world news and politics.

That means he is well aware that Donald Trump doesn’t want any foreigner sneaking into the United States, and he knows Trump would be especially incensed to find out that a foreigner was illegally crossing the border with thousands of packages of an unknown origin in his unlicensed flying machine.

Quite frankly, Santa Claus doesn’t want to end up on the No Fly List, the Terrorist Watch List, or Homeland Security’s Most Wanted List.

Plus, he doesn’t want to give Trump something else to rant about and potentially aid him in his quest to ruin America by becoming President.

lighten bagKids are too damn greedy.  This one is Santa Claus’ biggest pet peeve.  Again, you’ll never hear him say it publicly, but he is incredibly bothered by how entitled children have become.

Isn’t Christmas supposed to be about giving and spreading Holiday Cheer?  Shouldn’t it be about helping the less fortunate, rather than restocking the already overflowing coffers of those who have a roof over their heads and food on the table every night?

Santa is so tired of kids who already have asking, almost demanding, to have more.

To be honest with you, Modern Philosophers, after looking over this list, and checking it twice, I can’t believe that Santa Claus didn’t stop coming to town a long time ago!

Maybe we all need to take a step back and form some Deep Thoughts on the true meaning of Christmas.  Perhaps then, Santa Claus will reconsider…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Why Santa Claus Won’t Be Coming To Town

  1. Kristina Farrow says:

    I always enjoy your writing and musings, 🙂 We have been too naughty, and it is a very dangerous place. I have hope that we can turn it around!

  2. gh0stpupp3t says:

    Anything with Paul McCartney in it is all good to me. ❤

  3. You’re quite right. It’s far too dangerous for Santa and humans have been far too naughty. Will we ever learn, as a species? I fear not…

    I have ‘Santa Claus is coming to town’ goimg through my head now. ☺

  4. ksbeth says:

    i still believe in the good side of things, so I’m quite sure he’s coming!

  5. The Cutter says:

    Didn’t they make a movie about this? It had the Heat Miser and Snow Miser in it!

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