Tonight, the Republican Presidential candidates who were able to get out of their Christmas Eve commitments, will gather in Hollywood for a surprise debate.
And it has a movie theme.
“The Republican Party has long been the party of the American people, and we wanted to prove that by coming into their homes on Christmas Eve with this unique debate that is sure to inform and to entertain,” Republican National Committee Spokesman Jean Shepherd informed the press at the surprise announcement.
So what exactly is “A Christmas Story” debate, Modern Philosophers?
According to the literature we’ve been given by the RNC, and based on the very unique set we see before us, “A Christmas Story” debate is inspired by one of the movie’s most memorable scenes.
“Remember the scene from “A Christmas Story” where the kid gets his tongue stuck to the frozen pole in the schoolyard? That’s what we’re recreating here. The candidates will stick their tongues to the frozen pole on the stage. They will then be asked a series of questions, and will have to answer them while their tongues are stuck to the pole.”
I wish you could see the blank look on my face right now, Modern Philosophers.
How will the candidates be able to speak if their tongues are stuck to a pole? More importantly, how is the audience supposed to understand what they’re saying?
“That’s the fun of it,” Shepherd replied excitedly. “It adds a reality TV element to the debate, and our research tells us that undecided voters really, I mean really, like reality TV. You think you’d ever see the Democrats try something like this?”
Bernie Sanders would yell about germs, and then rant about how only the 1% would do something so crazy before asking you to send his campaign three dollars.
I think there’s a third Democrat, and he’d probably do anything for attention, but no one would care enough to watch him.
So if the Republicans are going ahead with this crazy debate, let’s handicap the field. Here are my odds on who will be the big winner at the Christmas Eve Debate…
Believe it or not, Jeb Bush is my pick to win big tonight, Modern Philosophers.
Something tells me that Jeb has had his tongue stuck to a frozen pole multiple times during his life, and I wouldn’t doubt that the previous time this occurred was within the last month.
My money says that, being an old pro at this, Jeb frees his tongue immediately, and then spends the entire debate answering questions without any interruption or bullying from Donald Trump.
America will finally get to hear him speak, his odd answers will amuse most viewers who will be drunk on spiked eggnog, and he will rise in the polls tomorrow.
Of course, when you’re sitting at 3% of the vote, you only need to get a handful of people on your side to gain a couple of percentage points…
Chris Christie is a man who is used to talking with his mouth full, so I don’t see him having much difficulty shouting out a few decipherable fear mongering phrases during the debate.
The only problem is, Christie hasn’t proven he has anything very Presidential to say. This might be a case when it’s better to just keep quiet and not spout ridiculous comments that end up getting mocked by Jimmy Fallon in his next monologue.
Of course, Christie is from New Jersey, and when’s the last time someone from Jersey was ever able to keep his mouth shut?
Donald Trump has been telling any member of the press who will listen that he’s seen much bigger poles, and then points at his crotch and whispers: “Huuuuuuuuge!”.
My gut tells me that he wouldn’t put his tongue on that pole even if CNN offered him five million dollars to do so. He’s so far ahead at this point that he will probably just sit it out and heckle the other candidates from the wings.
However, if he does take part in the debate, I put him at 10-1 because even if he can’t free his tongue, my guess is that whatever the hell that is on top of his head has the ability to speak. And Christmas Eve would be the perfect time for it to show off that talent.
That would be a Christmas Miracle and lock up the Republican nomination for Trump.
We all know Ben Carson is going to fall asleep the second his tongue hits that pole.
As for Rubio, Cruz, Rand, and Fiorina, they are not in Hollywood tonight because they chose to spend Christmas Eve with the people they love.
Not that they don’t love the American voter.
I think the world would be a saner, kinder, and quieter place if those knuckleheads were out of commission for a little while.
At the very least, it would make for a very Merry Christmas!