“I don’t know why you ever left New York,” The Devil declared as he strode across the living room with a large tray of his famous Hellfire Wings in tow. “I spent New Year’s Eve there, and if not for the cold, I would’ve sworn I was right at home in Hell.”
That last comment got my attention.
“What?” I asked in confusion. “You’re asking why I left New York while at the same time, saying it reminds you of Hell? Doesn’t that answer your question? Not that I agree that New York is at all like Hell…”
Lucifer held out the platter of wings, and I was powerless to resist. I quickly grabbed one as if I feared the forty-nine others would vanish if I didn’t act immediately.
He sat down down and placed the plate on the table, careful not to get any of the Hellfire sauce on his expensive, perfectly tailored suit.
“I love New York,” The Prince of Darkness clarified. “I was referring to Times Square on New Year’s Eve. The place is like a fishbowl of confetti, confusion, and greed. I’m giving serious thought to building a new ring of Hell modeled on it.”
I wiped the wing sauce off my face and took an enormous gulp of my Snapple before I answered.
“I can’t believe you’d wear one of your precious suits in Times Square with all those sweaty, inebriated people around,” I snickered. “Plus, I’d assume you’d go insane if even a single piece of confetti got into one of your pockets.
Satan snatched a Snapple from the cooler as he shot me an icy glare.
“For you information, Toga Boy, I wore a disposable tuxedo,” he explained. “I wear it only on New Year’s Eve and then donate it to the first homeless person I see once I’ve changed into my New Year’s Day suit.”
“You’re like a fashion friendly Robin Hood,” I quipped as I devoured another wing. “So why do you love that freaky fishbowl so much?”
The Devil adjusted his tie until the perfect knot was beyond perfect. He did this sort of thing whenever he thought I’d asked a foolish question and he wanted to keep me waiting as punishment.
Like I cared. I just drank my Snapple and enjoyed the silence.
“I do more business in Times Square on New Year’s Eve than any seven days of the year combined,” he finally deigned to answer my stupid query. “The place is filled with drunk, lazy, twenty somethings who have low self esteem and big dreams. It’s like taking candy from a baby, only the candy in question is their eternal souls.”
He chuckled at his own word play and helped himself to a chicken wing.
“I know you long enough not to ask if you feel bad about doing that,” I made him aware. “Still, I think it’s unfair to take advantage of people when they are incapacitated.”
“As long as humans have free will, they will be incapacitated,” Lucifer said in a voice that was something of a growl. “Your kind will always seek out the simplest way to achieve a goal, without a hint of remorse at attaining it with the least amount of effort possible. I am merely a humble employee of the road department paving the path of least resistance.”
I gave The Prince of Darkness the longest look before I finally responded.
“Have you ever considered a career in politics?” I asked with eyebrow raised as if plotting fiendishly. “You have a gift for saying things that are total bull crap, but sound so darn eloquent. Plus, you dress like someone with big time pull in the Republican Party.”
“Well, Trump will need a running mate once he wraps up the nomination,” Satan muttered before hitting me with his most charming smile.
“Trump’s ego is probably larger, but since he doesn’t have an army of Angels at his command, I could probably get away with talking back to him,” Satan answered as a Devilish grin crossed his handsome face.
“It’s a good thing you like your current job too much because that would make for a horrifying ticket on Election Day. Even Hillary might panic at having to face that duo,” I remarked.
“Don’t worry,” The Devil assured me. “It would be a conflict of interest for me to face off against a current client…”