An Arctic Blast has swept through Maine, plunging the entire state into a New Ice Age, while also setting off my Post Traumatic Snow Disorder.
I do not want to tumble down that icy rabbit hole again, Modern Philosophers, and I’d hate to see any of you suffer like I did last year.
Do I need to remind you what my Post Traumatic Snow Disorder did to me?
As a result, I’ve come up with a list of 9 Unorthodox Ways To Survive A Harsh Winter…
Think about it, though…are you going to be worried about how horrible the weather is if you are holding people against their will?
Of course not. You’re going to be obsessed with avoiding the authorities, planning for that moment when the FBI finally raids wherever you’re holed up, and making sure that the hostages don’t escape or die.
Work on your escape plan, and make sure the ransom is high enough to both cover the extra heating costs of having to keep the hostages warm, and to ensure you will never again have to live someplace that has Winter.
Get Sent To Prison. This is a natural follow up to item one on the list. Let’s face it, Modern Philosophers, you have no experience with taking hostages, so there is an extremely high likelihood that you’re going to end up in the clutches of the authorities (if not in a body bag).
A Winter in prison means you don’t have to worry about paying for heating oil, you don’t have to shovel the driveway, there’s no driving in the snow, and you won’t be dealing with frozen pipes or leaky roofs.
Three hots and a cot. What else do you need to get through the worst season of the year?
Enlist In The Armed Forces. If you join the US Military, you are pretty much guaranteed to be sent to a desert climate, since our enemies live in a part of the world where no one ever builds a snowman.
You will not only avoid snow, ice, and frigid temperatures, but you will also get into excellent shape while you see the world.
Be all that you can be without having to be someone fighting through a blizzard.
Hibernate. Animals definitely have the right idea, Modern Philosophers. Since we can’t use a time machine to fast forward through Winter, why not sleep through it?
While it is impossible to just naturally slip into a state of hibernation, you can ask a doctor to put you into a medically induced coma. I recommend you check with your insurance carrier first, though, to make sure this is covered.
It would suck to wake up to a huge medical bill on the first day of Spring.
Because kicking criminal @$$ is just too damn delightful, Modern Philosophers.
Plus, everyone digs a hero. I bet you’d get a lot of dates out of the deal, along with your own comic book and movie franchise.
Sleep In A Tanning Bed. Something about this idea just sounds so right. Why bury yourself under a mound of blankets in a regular bed all Winter? Strip down to your birthday suit and sleep in a warm, toasty environment while also getting a bitching tan.
Think of how amazing you’ll look this Summer.
You’ll be so worn out, that you will sleep like a baby, and be too exhausted to worry about the harsh Winter weather.
Run For Office. Political candidates are too busy going on television to make fools of themselves, that they have absolutely no time to concern themselves with Winter.
It appears that people who run for office these days work themselves into quite a later spewing hatred and anger. I imagine that makes you sweaty and keeps you warm.
You will lose yourself so deeply in all the madness, arguing, drama, insults, threats, proclamations, shaming, harassing, mocking, and so forth that you will have absolutely no idea who you are anymore, let alone what the weather is like.
I’m well aware that these suggestions are not for everyone, Modern Philosophers, but if you are serious about surviving another harsh Winter, something on this list will jump out at you.
Stay warm. Stay focused. And most importantly, stay on your Post Traumatic Snow Disorder medications!