Dr Lucifer Makes House Calls

Sundays(1)I opened my eyes, and as the world slowly came into focus, I realized that I was staring up into the handsome, smiling face of The Devil.

“What are you doing in my bedroom?” I mumbled as I reached around in search of my glasses.

Lucifer held out my glasses and waved them in front of my face until I could make out what they were.

I snatched them from him and put them on my face.

“I’m not in your bedroom,” he explained.  “This is the living room and you are on the couch.”

Once my glasses were in place, I looked around to confirm my guest’s story.  I was, in fact, sprawled out on the couch under a blanket.  That’s when my stomach gurgled to remind me why I had fallen asleep in the living room in the middle of the afternoon.

“I’m not feeling well,” I blurted out as I struggled to sit up and get my bearings.

“That’s obvious,” The Prince of Darkness quipped as he removed a handkerchief from a pocket in his impeccably tailored suit and dusted off his end of the couch.  “Your face is the color of the gunk I serve in the cafeteria in a ring of Hell reserved for souls who have upset or offended me.”

Doogie“You might want to work on your bedside manner, Doogie,” I grumbled as I reached into the cooler for an ice cold Snapple.

Finally satisfied that he had wiped away all the germs he possibly could, Satan sat down as far away from me as possible.

“I’m not a doctor,” he reminded me.  “This isn’t your Sweet Irish Girl’s Emerald Isle, sick boy.  Not even young Dr. Howser makes house calls in America.”

“I don’t need a doctor,” I made perfectly clear before I chugged the entire bottle of Snapple.  “It’s just a stomach bug.  Everyone in my office is sick again, and some of their germs have colonized my bloodstream.  I need to wear a bio-hazard suit in that place.”

“You were mumbling in your sleep about splinters,” The Devil said with a chuckle as he reached for a Snapple of his own.  “That must have been some dream.”

I scratched my head and tried to jar my memory.  What had I been dreaming about when Lucifer interrupted my sleep?

My stomach made a noise that sounded quite alien, and it suddenly reminded me of my journey to Dreamland.

“I remember now!” I shouted out way too excitedly considering the situation.  “I was in that big lightsaber duel scene from The Force Awakens.  The one that look place in the forest during the snowstorm.”

Kylo forestThe Prince of Darkness shook his head to indicate that he knew the scene.

“I think I dreamed about it because I’d just watched Saturday Night Live, and Adam Driver was the host,” I told him in reference to the actor who played Kylo Ren.  “The battle was going on around me, but all I cared about was collecting the trees felled by the lightsabers.  I wanted to bring the wood back to Maine to heat The House on the Hill.”

“Did you ask Daisy Ridley to help with your wood?” Satan asked with a Devilish grin on his face.  “Were you turned on by the way she handled her lightsaber?”

“That seems incredibly out of character for you,” I scolded him.  “Crass isn’t your thing.”

The Devil shrugged.  “I blame it on your stupid germs.  I apologize for trying to turn your weird, nerdy dream into something more exciting.”

“How about you give me a lightsaber for my troubles?” I figured it was worth a shot.

“Would you settle for a Snapple?” he asked as he took one out of the cooler for me.

What the heck?  It was better than nothing…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Dr Lucifer Makes House Calls

  1. Joseph Nebus says:

    Certainly it’s better than nothing, but you’ve left out the really important thing. What was the Snapple Cap Trivia Item?

  2. donedreaming says:

    the sooner the love of your life moves in the better, you obviously need taking in hand and feeding some good home cooked food .. 🙂

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