Of course, no one is more delighted about this than I am, I said sarcastically to no one in particular.
I am not at all a fan of snowy Winters, which should be obvious since I’ve chosen to live in Maine, so I have been enjoying this Winter much more than usual.
Now that the skies have opened and dropped their load on us twice in less than a week, though, I need answers.
How did Snow Miser get his groove back?
If you are new to this blog, let me first welcome you and then give to a little backstory.
Snow Miser and I are mortal enemies. We’ve known each other since we lived in the same dorm back in our NYU days.
I wouldn’t say we were friends, but we were definitely aware of each other, and often moved in the same circles.
At one point, I broke the Bro Code and asked out Snow Miser’s girlfriend. This isn’t something I’m proud of, but it happened. We ended up becoming an item, Snow Miser never got into another relationship while at NYU, and he has never forgiven me.
As a result, I have suffered through some horrible Winters. At one point, I fled to California for six years to escape his wrath, but living in Los Angeles was way worse than having to endure an East Coast Winter.
I have tried repeatedly to mend fences, I have begged for forgiveness, and I have suggested mediation.
Nothing has worked, though. The angry Ice Imp holds a grudge tighter than I grip a steering wheel when driving in the snow.
So when this Winter turned out to be a kitten compared to last year’s ravenous lion, I thought he had finally buried the hatchet. I was relieved that we could finally move on with our lives, and that maybe, that embarrassing moment from my past could be forgotten once and for all.
Of course, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Two big storms hit this week, and Snow Miser seems angrier than ever.
Why the sudden change? Why had this Winter been a 90 lb weakling until this point? Why was Snow Miser suddenly manning up?
I found my answers by talking to Mr. Hyde, the physical therapist who shares an office with my PCP, Dr. Jekyll.
According to Hyde, who’s a bit of a gossip, our mild Winter was the result of Snow Miser suddenly being unable to…perform.
“You guys went to college together, right?” Hyde asked.
I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. Jekyll, but as often seems to be the case, he was called to handle an emergency, and Mr. Hyde was the only one in when I arrived.
It made perfect sense. Snow Miser suffered from decreased snow libido.
“Word around the pharmacy is that he finally got a prescription for a little blue pill to help him raise the old snowfall totals again,” Hyde snickered. “They call it Snowagra.”
That would explain why we experienced two major storms that lasted in excess of four hours. Snow Miser’s performance issue had been rectified because he spoke to his doctor to see if his heart was healthy enough for blizzards.
Damn you, Pfizer!
This can’t bode well for the rest of the Winter, Modern Philosophers.
I guess my only real hope is that he asked his doctor for a sample pack, used up the samples with these two storms, and can’t afford to get a prescription filled.
I wonder if Snowbamacare covers Snowagra.
I pray to Zeus that it doesn’t because I really don’t want my Post Traumatic Snow Disorder acting up again. I like the way my stress levels are when it doesn’t snow.
Before long, I’m sure Snow Miser’s henchmen, The Four Snowmen of the Apocalypse will be pummeling The House on the Hill with snowballs, and taunting me with the promise of enough Winter Storms to being on a New Ice Age.
I know it’s wrong, but I hope Snow Miser has a bad reaction to the little blue pills and his snowballs shrivel up on him.
The idea of Snow Miser popping those pills and going on a bender sends shivers down my spine. That would definitely be too much…
How has this Winter been out your way, Modern Philosophers? Are you worried now that Snow Miser has gotten help for his ED (Environmental Dysfunction)? Or are you one of those oddballs who actually loves the snow?