The X-Files To Investigate Trump’s Hair

The X-Files To Investigate Trump's Hair | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherAfter far too long a hiatus, Modern Philosophers, The X-Files are back.

This little known, clandestine department of the FBI, made a name for itself in the 1990s when two agents, Dana Scully and Fox Mulder, solved a series of cases dealing with supernatural elements.

It is not clear why the X-Files agents vanished off the radar for so long, but speculation tends to focus on two theories:  the agents were either kidnapped by Aliens, or they moved to Maine to study and better understand the Otherworldly Beings they had been investigating.

Neither agent would tell this Modern Philosopher where they had been, but Agent Mulder seemed to know a lot about Maine for someone who supposedly has never lived here.

What they were willing to tell me was that a new, diabolical conspiracy had drawn them out of semi-retirement.   One that had the potential to destroy the United States of America, and possibly lead to the end of the world as we know it.

“We’ve been assigned, by a shadow committee that neither of us knows anything about, to investigate how in the world Donald Trump has gotten this close to becoming the next President of the United States,” Agent Mulder explained excitedly.

The X-Files To Investigate Trump's Hair | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“I’ve always been the one who’s had doubts about an Alien presence and conspiracy theories, but I can see something isn’t right with this,” Agent Scully volunteered.  “In fact, I was the one who insisted that we take the case.”

Does that mean Agent Mulder had reservations about looking into Trump?

Mulder sighed and finally smiled, but it seemed forced.

“I’ve learned my lesson over the years,” he explained.  “The truth is out there, but there are just some truths that are better off being left unknown.”

“What he’s trying to say,” Scully interpreted for me, “is that he’s a Trump supporter, and he doesn’t want to do anything to mess with his candidate’s chances of winning the Oval Office.  Even if he gets there on the shoulders of a massive conspiracy that involves our own government, the Illuminati, foreign powers, and Alien Overlords.”

“I think all this time away has altered your sense of reality,” Mulder replied with a chuckle.  “I’d give up my right to vote before I cast one for that buffoon!”

As I listened to them bicker and watched the sexual tension build between them, my Deep Thoughts focused on the identity of the shadow committee that had lured the X-Files’ most famous employees back from anonymity.

My guess was The All Hallows Society, Maine’s powerful, top secret organization that policed anything involving Otherworldly Beings.  Had they made Agent Mulder realize that the things that went bump in the night weren’t actually threats to mankind, but Donald Trump with all his close-minded, hate mongering was?

The X-Files to Investigate Trump's Hair | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“We have a working theory that Donald Trump is being controlled by Aliens,” Scully finally revealed.

“Not the build a wall to keep them out kind, but the long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away kind,” Mulder quipped as he pointed towards the heavens.   “We’re pretty sure it’s mind control.  Old Donnie is still in there somewhere, but the Aliens are running his brain and his mouth.”

“It’s got to be the hair,” Scully whispered.

Mulder nodded in agreement.  “It would make sense.  Hiding in plain sight.  Everyone makes fun of Trump’s hair, but they think it’s all about vanity.  A wild comb over to hide a massive bald spot.  What if that’s an Alien being living on his head, though, and its tentacles have burrowed through Trump’s skull to attach to his brain?”

“It would explain so much,” Scully sighed.  “From a medical perspective, the only other explanations for the things he says would be early onset dementia, or a stroke so debilitating that it has destroyed the parts of his brain that control common sense and allow him to hear his own words.”

“It’s Aliens,” Mulder answered confidently.  “I’m not positive the thing on his head is an Alien, but they are somehow involved.  My best guess is that thing keeping his dome warm was made in a Chinese sweatshop by six year old children who don’t quite grasp how Caucasian hair looks and feels.”

The X-Files To Investigate Trump's Hair | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherSo is Donald Trump the only candidate in the 2016 Presidential Election under investigation by The X-Files?

“We’ve already said way too much, but I really dig your blog and wanted to give you an exclusive on this to thank you for all the laughs,” Agent Mulder explained and extended his hand.

I shook it, proud to be trusted with such vital information.

“But if we were to look at anyone else,” he leaned in and whispered so that his partner wouldn’t hear, “it would definitely be that nut job Sarah Palin.”

Do you think Agents Scully and Mulder are on to something, Modern Philosophers?  Would Donald Trump’s being controlled by Aliens make you more or less likely to vote for him?  Should Trump get out ahead of the FBI’s investigation and shave his head to prove that he is simply a doofus who will say whatever comes to mind?

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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14 Responses to The X-Files To Investigate Trump’s Hair

  1. The Hook says:

    The truth is out there – and it defies conventional follicle wisdom.

  2. Amy Reese says:

    This would explain so much. I knew it was something to do with that hair of his. Did you see Tina Fey’s latest Sarah Palin? It’s spot on!

  3. donedreaming says:

    We love you neighbours across the pond but if this Bugs Bunny with a combover gets in .. you’re on your own!!

    • Austin says:

      I”m moving to Ireland if he wins!

      • donedreaming says:

        That would be a bonus!
        We had an hour long documentary on tv last night about the Donald and his quest for presidency. I think the ‘hair’ is a matting up of brainwaves that have managed to escape the dark scary place inside his head – which might account for why the words that come out of his mouth don’t join up to mean anything ..

      • Austin says:

        There’s no way he makes it to Election Day. America will comes to its senses first, or he will finally call our bluff and drop out. 🙂

  4. donedreaming says:

    I don’t know, the good people of Iowa seem to like him. Folks seem to want someone different who will shake it up and he’s certainly ‘different’ .. I love the fact he’s sulking and won’t attend the debate because he doesn’t like the way Megyn spoke to him – wonder what he’d do stood in front of Putin ..

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