Maine Witches Honored For Protection Against Jonas Spell

Maine Witches Honored For Protection Against Jonas Spell | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherWhile the rest of the East Coast continued to dig out from underneath Winter Storm Jonas, Mainers enjoyed a sunny day during which the mercury crept into the mid-forties, Modern Philosophers!

How did Maine, the state that is so often the focus of Snow Miser’s wrath, manage to avoid even a flurry during the Great Blizzard of 2016?

The answer was clear today at Bangor City Hall, where Maine’s most powerful Witches were honored for their Protection Against Jonas Spell.

Waltzing Matilda, Volcanica Ivy, and Ti-Diana were presented the Stephen King Medal of Honor, the highest award that can be bestowed upon a Maine citizen who is not a member of the Armed Forces.

The ladies, who are my good friends, the leaders of Maine’s largest coven, and co-owners of Three Toads & A Wicked Lady, Maine’s most popular Witch bar, accepted their medals from Mayor Ben Sprague as a massive crowd cheered loudly enough to rattle windows.

“We have always been treated like true Mainers,” Waltzing Matilda told the crowd, “and never made to feel like we were from away simply because of our special abilities.  For that reason alone, we felt compelled to use our gift to protect our fellow Mainers!”

“Of course, we wouldn’t have had to conjure up the greatest Protection Spell in history if our idiot Governor would just allow Mr. King to build him dome!” Volcanica Ivy shouted, which earned a mighty roar from the throng gathered in front of City Hall.

Maine Witches Honored For Protection Against Jonas Spell | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherPaul LePage, the idiot Governor referred to above, was noticeably absent from the awards ceremony.

LePage has very few fans among Maine’s growing Otherworldly Being population.  The humans don’t like him much, either.

Stephen King, Maine’s favorite son and the author of Under The Dome, has offered to pay for a giant retractable dome to be built over the state.

Even though the dome would protect Mainers from Snow Miser’s Winter Wrath and a potential Canadian invasion, the Governor has blocked its construction.

Luckily for Mainers, the state’s powerful Witches stepped up just when Winter Storm Jonas was bearing down on the Eastern Seaboard.

Some states were pummeled with more than 30 inches of snow.  Last night, I spoke to my sister, who lives in Staten Island, and she had been told to stay home from work because New York City still needed to be plowed.

No such problem in Maine, though.  Because we have Magic on our side.

The ceremony did get serious for a moment, when Ti-Diana stepped to the microphone to dedicate her medal to someone special.

Maine Witches Honored For Protection Against Jonas Spell | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“I’d like to dedicate my award to Alan Rickman, who was taken from us much too soon,” she told the crowd in a hushed tone as she wiped tears from her eyes.

“While Maine’s Witching community might chuckle at the way the Harry Potter books and films portray the teaching of Magic, Mr. Rickman honored all Witches and Wizards with his inspired portrayal of Professor Severus Snape.  He will be missed.”

It was a touching ending to a lovely ceremony, after which we all retired to Three Toads & A Wicked Lady, where the first round was on the house.

I’ve always said that Maine is a Magical place, Modern Philosophers.  Now that you’re done shoveling out from under Winter Storm Jonas, do you finally believe me?

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Maine Witches Honored For Protection Against Jonas Spell

  1. Reblogged this on idealisticrebel and commented:
    What a wonderful post. Hugs, Barbara LOL

  2. markbialczak says:

    In Syracuse, where we too missed Jonah’s wrath, Austin, I couldn’t help but think during the melt of yesterday’s 40s that a storm of another name is lurking yet.

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