Pluto Sues Planet 9 For Identity Theft

Pluto Sues Planets 9 For Identity Theft | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherOur old friend Pluto is back in the news, Modern Philosophers.  Sadly, it’s not to announce its triumphant return to full planetary status.

Ironically, Pluto’s return to the headlines is because a new planet has been discovered in our solar system, and we will finally be back to our full quota of nine.

Currently being referred to as Planet 9, this new member of the planetary lineup might not actually exist.

I won’t bore you with the details of Planet 9’s existence (mainly because it gives me headaches to try to explain it), but suffice it to say that in Pluto’s mind, Planet 9 not only exists, but it has also stolen the former planet’s identity.

According to a lawsuit filed in Intergalactic Court today, Pluto is suing Planet 9 for stealing its identity, and is demanding damages in excess of twenty billion dollars!

Scientists had absolutely no idea what I was talking about when I asked them to comment on Pluto’s suit, but lawyers had plenty to say on the issue.

I asked Cy Brown, the blog’s legal expert, to drop by The House on the Hill to walk us through the legal issues, Modern Philosophers.

Pluto Sues Planet 9 For Identity Theft | The Reutrn of the Modern Philosopher“Identity theft is a serious accusation, and a problem that runs rampant on this big blue marble we call Earth,” Cy waxed philosophical as he sipped a Snapple.  “The burden of proof is on Pluto, and I don’t believe there is enough evidence that Planet 9 literally stole its identity.  It’s more theoretical than anything else.”

Great.  Theoretical Astronomy.  That sounds like a class I would have gone out of my way to avoid at NYU.

“Essentially, Pluto is stating that Planet 9 has taken over its identity as the ninth planet in our solar system,” Cy continued.  “Clearly, the little guy is still hurting from being booted from the big boy table, and is stomping its feet under the kiddie table until someone gives it what it wants.”

Pluto’s return to planetary status is not going to happen, according to my sources in the telescope and lab coat community.  So why the lawsuit?

“My guess is that Pluto is looking for a little attention, trying to take the spotlight off the new discovery, and maybe be a bit spiteful,” Cy guessed with a shrug of his ancient shoulders.  “That twenty billion dollar figure tells me that he is hoping for a settlement, at a number far less out of this world, to simply go away.”

There has been no actual report of Planet 9 trying to pass itself off as Pluto, use Pluto’s social security number, or take out credit cards in the ex-planet’s name.

Pluto Sues Planet 9 For Identity Theft | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherIt would be difficult for anyone to confuse the two celestial bodies as Planet 9 is about 5,000 times the mass of Pluto.

I’m a Star Wars Geek, and that often affects my Deep Thoughts, but has anyone checked to see if this enormous mass at the outer edge of our galaxy is actually a planet?

In order words, do we know for certain that The First Order hasn’t built another Starkiller Base and made its way here from a long time ago and a galaxy far, far away?

Maybe I’m paranoid, but if something that enormous pops up seemingly out of the blue, perhaps it hasn’t been there the whole time.

Its mass is ten times that of Earth, and no one ever noticed it before?  It’s got to be a space station with the capability to destroy planets.  At the very least, it’s an Alien spacecraft.

Either way, Earth is screwed.  Am I right?

It’s probably only a matter of weeks before Planet 9 reveals its true identity, and at that point, Pluto’s lawsuit would mean absolutely nothing.

Pluto Sues Planet 9 For Identity Theft | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherUnless, of course, Pluto does something truly heroic like sending a team of fighter pilots on a suicide mission to destroy the behemoth and save the galaxy.

If it does that, then I vote that Pluto immediately be reinstated to planetary status.

What do you think about Planet 9, Modern Philosophers?  Is it even really there?  Would you rather have this mystery celestial body in the lineup, or do you want Pluto returned to active duty?  Do you think The First Order has finally found Earth and we are all doomed? 

We might not have much time left.  Follow me on Pinterest while you still can!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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24 Responses to Pluto Sues Planet 9 For Identity Theft

  1. “Maybe I’m paranoid, but if something that enormous pops up seemingly out of the blue, perhaps it hasn’t been there the whole time.” – Yes. This!

  2. Pluto, being replaced by a new Death Star? Those things are defective.

  3. Damon says:

    They still sell Snapple?

  4. Sharing this with all my fellow Pluto-loving friends. The deplanetization of Pluto was devastating for us, as you can imagine. And now it appears salt is going to be thrown on the wound. Will the trauma never cease?

  5. susielindau says:

    I wonder how the planets feel about all the attention given to Mars? I bet some have twinkled green with envy.

  6. Joseph Nebus says:

    I just know Pluto is going to get its case thrown out of court on the grounds that it’s the wrong jurisdiction. That’s just the sort of thing that would happen to it.

  7. The Cutter says:

    This is such BS. Pluto should have been grandfathered in and everyone knows it

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