The Bling Ring Of Hell

The Bling Ring Of Hell | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“This is why they shouldn’t skip a week between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl,” The Devil grumbled as I shut off the television.  “Without football, we are forced to watch movies like that!”

I rolled my eyes because my frequent house guest was being overly dramatic.  Again.  What is it with some people and the drama?

“I didn’t think it was so bad,” I admitted as I reached for a Snapple from the cooler.  “It’s based on actual events, so they had to work with what reality gave them.

“Since when has Hollywood ever let the confines of reality stop them?” Lucifer scoffed as he brushed a piece of lint off his impeccably tailored suit, which would have been a definite target for the thieves in the film we’d just watched.

“With what exactly did you have a problem?” my inner screenwriter queried.

“What didn’t I have a problem with is more like it!” The Prince of Darkness whined like a Hollywood diva as he reached for a Snapple to call his own.  “We could start with the fact that I’m supposed to believe that big time Hollywood stars like Paris Hilton and Orlando Bloom just leave their doors open and don’t have alarms?”

I shrugged.  In case you hadn’t been able to figure it out, we’d just watched The Bling Ring.  Don’t judge.  It was on and we needed something to occupy our time.

“According to the police reports, that was how it went down,” I replied.

The Bling Ring Of Hell | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherSatan shook his head in adamant disagreement.  “Let me tell you how it went down, Mr. Know It All.  That little Witch, Hermione Granger, used some spell to unlock the doors and disable the alarms.  Dumbledore must be rolling over in his grave.  What a lovely legacy for Hogwarts!”

I looked at The Devil in utter befuddlement.  He had to be screwing with me, right?

“You do know that Emma Watson is an actress and not really a Witch, right?” I asked as he chugged his Snapple.  “Hogwarts isn’t real, nor are Hermione and Dumbledore.”

“So you’re saying that the characters in this movie aren’t real, either?  That Hollywood, Rodeo Drive, and Indian Hills High School aren’t actual places?” Lucifer asked with an evil in his voice that sent chills down my spine.  “So which one is it, Modern Philosopher with the degree in Screenwriting from NYU?  Are people and things in movies real or imagined?”

I was going to lead with the fact that my degree was actually in Film, but I knew better than to flame the flames of Hell with The Prince of Darkness.  Not when his pitchfork was only a few feet away.

“Can we just leave it at that while Emma Watson is also Hermione Granger, she was not Hermione in The Bling Ring?” I asked hopefully.

“So she has a split personality?” Satan asked as he drummed his fingers on his leg.  “I find that surprising because she’s always seemed like one actress who had it all together.”

The Bling Ring Of Hell | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“Maybe things fall apart when she gets too far from the magical protection of Hogwarts,” I threw out there in hopes of getting him off this topic.

“Typical Muggle response,” The Devil mumbled.  “Hermione sure did grow up nicely, though, and I’m glad she finally moved on from that wretched Weasley kid.  It’s a shame she and Harry didn’t end up together.”

“It is a shame,” I agreed.  “Imagine the crime spree the two of them could go on together.”

Lucifer’s eyes lit up like I’d said the magic words.

“I think you’re on to something there, Mr. Screenwriter.  Hermione Granger and Harry Potter growing up to be a modern day Bonnie and Clyde.  There’s no way the police can stop them!”

I made a mental note to never again watch a movie with The Prince of Darkness.

Then I made a second mental note to develop that Hermione and Harry as Bonnie and Clyde idea.  That one definitely had potential…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to The Bling Ring Of Hell

  1. Ritu says:

    😄😄😄 I like that idea!!

  2. As a character in a recent script of mine said to another, you do know how Bonnie and Clyde ended up, don’t you?

  3. stomperdad says:

    A) I love Hermione…errr Emma, in anything she’s in. She’s a phenomenal actress. B) Love this conversation. What if they played one character through every movie they were in? What if Batman was also Mr. Mom (or even vice versa!) 🙂

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