Throughout the nation often thought of as America’s fifty-first state, citizens anxiously await the results of today’s Iowa Caucus. The most excited of our northern neighbors are those in the real estate business.
They have their fingers crossed that Donald Trump wins in Iowa because if he does, Americans will begin to flee to Canada to escape a future with President Trump.
And the Canadian real estate market will explode.
“A Trump victory would be very good for the Canadian economy in general, and the real estate business in particular,” Pierre St. Pierre, President of the Canadian Association of Realtors, Eh (CARE), told this Modern Philosopher.
St. Pierre went on to explain that he had five children to send to hockey camp, and a Trump victory would allow him to forgo the camp completely and simply hire Wayne Gretzky to become the kids’ personal hockey trainer.
“Let’s go Trump, eh!” St. Pierre said excitedly as we drank Molson Canadian, ate Canadian bacon, and followed the coverage of the Iowa Caucus between periods of the Leafs’ game.
People are turning garages into apartments, buying up abandoned lots, and building tree houses big enough to accommodate a family of four.
“You’re gonna see some real Canadian ingenuity if Mr. Trump keeps up his winning ways,” St. Pierre said with a wink as he passed me another Molson. “In Canada, the man is a true hero.”
Canada, a nation of about 36 million hockey fanatics who would never build a wall to keep out their American friends, has the room to double its population in the next eighteen months, according to information made available by the Prime Minister’s office.
This Modern Philosopher was asked to not use the Prime Minister’s name for fear that Future President Trump might be outraged and bar Canadian citizens from entry into the United States.
“If he were to ban us, how would we follow our beloved hockey teams when they play at arenas in the United States?” asked an employee of the Prime Minister’s office who begged me not to use or name, or even look at her, in case I was every interrogated by President Trump as to her identity.
Meanwhile, back in America, panicked Americans are paying attention to the Iowa Caucus for the first time.
“I’m totally going to move if that idiot wins,” said one Border Patrol employee as I passed through on my way back into Maine.
“The joke was funny at first, but now it’s starting to freak me out,” admitted another Border Patrol official. “I’ve been squirreling away food and supplies in the woods on that side of the border so I’m ready to run. This isn’t funny anymore!”
“I am so excited by Mr. Trump’s dominance in the polls,” St. Pierre confessed like a giddy child awaiting Christmas morning. “This is why I became a realtor. For so long, Canada has lived in America’s shadow, and now the shadow of my larger than life hero will drive all those Americans into my waiting arms.”
We’ll know soon enough if it’s time to move north. I’m just relieved that I have an excellent realtor waiting for me.
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