A team of scientists, led by Dr. Lisa Nolan, spent the past three years studying the oddly colored snow and learned some very interesting things.
“First and foremost, we learned that people will do next to anything for money, and that was both depressing and intriguing,” Dr. Nolan told this Modern Philosopher in reference to those Mainers who volunteered for the Yellow Snow Study.
As part of the study, subjects were paid to eat yellow snow and then keep a journal about how it tasted, made them feel, changed their toilet habits, etc.
“Essentially, they kept yellow snow diaries,” Dr. Nolan explained. “While we never confirmed that what they were eating was snow mixed with urine, we wanted the subjects to believe it was. In three-quarters of the cases, they were given lemon ice or snow mixed with lemonade. No one ever knew who had the placebo and who had the real deal.”
The participants in the study were then subjected to a series of tests, and detailed records were kept of the results.
What was the bottom line, Dr. Nolan?
“To put it in lay person terms, the people who ate urine and snow became very ill, and probably will have medical issues for the rest of their lives. The subjects who ate lemon ice gained 16 lbs on average, while the ones who ate snow mixed with lemonade developed cavities and are at risk for contracting Diabetes.”
Dr. Nolan knows her stuff, Modern Philosophers. Not only is she a doctor at Maine’s most famous research hospital, but she also played one on TV. She was the Head Medical Examiner on the short lived CSI spin off, CSI: Maine.
“All the murders on the show were either by exposure to snow and extreme temperatures, or from strange creatures that escaped from the secret lab of a thinly veiled Stephen King character,” she explained as we looked at framed photos from the show that hung on her office wall. “The ratings were through the roof in Maine, but the rest of the country thought it was boring and unrealistic.”
Where does yellow snow come from, Dr. Nolan?
“Snowmen have to urinate, Austin, and it’s not like they have access to bathrooms,” she answered with a shrug. “In some cases, it’s human urine mixed with the snow because some people just have absolutely zero respect for polite society.”
According to the WMMC study, yellow snow produced by snowmen is much less detrimental to humans than is the yellow snow we produce.
“Snowmen have much better diets,” Dr. Nolan clarified the above mentioned finding. “They don’t eat the crap humans do, so their waste is almost pure snow.”
Is there anyway to tell the difference between the kinds of yellow snow?
“Only by tasting it,” was her quick reply.
Since this is Election Season, I am legally obligated to allow the opposition equal time to rebut the findings of the Yellow Snow Study should anyone want to take the stance that eating yellow snow is beneficial.
“Eat it!” Snow Miser exclaimed at the top of his lungs. “Yellow snow is good for you. It’s full of nutrients, it contains proteins that will actually help you to lose weight quickly, and it will cure baldness.”
“So eat all you want. We’ll make more,” he promised before unzipping his fly and producing a unbelievably large sample of yellow snow.
He really is too much!
Who are you going to believe, Modern Philosophers? An awarding winning scientist with a sexy brogue and a season of CSI under her belt, or an annoying Ice Imp who has been milking one Christmas special for decades?
Whether or not you decide to eat the yellow snow, you can still follow me on Pinterest…