Did Chris Christie Just Get Homesick?

Did Chris Christie Just Get Homesick? | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherWhile most political pundits agree that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dropped out of the race for the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination because no one was voting for him and his campaign was running out of money, this Modern Philosopher has uncovered the true reason Christie left the campaign trail…

He was homesick for New Jersey.

I grew up in Brooklyn, Modern Philosophers, so I heard the words “sick” and “New Jersey” used together often.

I might not have been able to see Jersey from my window, but I could most certainly smell it.

Trust me, Jersey has an odor like nothing else that has ever invaded your nostrils, and it is a scent you will never forget.

But homesick for Jersey?  That’s a new one.

The facts are clear: Christie received under 2% of the vote in the Iowa Caucus and slightly more than 7% of the vote in the New Hampshire Primary.

A man that large bringing home results that tiny had to be a major disappointment.

His campaign highlight occurred during the debate before the vote in New Hampshire.

Did Chris Christie Just Get Homesick? | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherOn that night, Governor Christie caused the Marco (Polo!) Rubio Robot to short circuit with a steady verbal attack, which subsequently hurt The Rubio 2000 in the primary.

Supporters of Marco (Polo!) have since had to roll out The Rubio 3000, but the next generation robot will not have to worry about another attack from the Jersey Devil.

So why drop out of the race after proving that he had the mettle to kick a little metal in the debates?

Even though 7% of the vote in New Hampshire wasn’t going to get him behind the desk in the Oval Office, it was still almost four times the votes he got in Iowa.

At that rate of growth, Christie would run away with the Republican nomination.

Not that Chris Christie would ever run anywhere, but you know what I mean.

The accommodations aren’t the best on the campaign trail.  Candidates spend a lot of time on buses and in hotels.  The food isn’t great.  The hours are long.  And as one ruby slipper wearing youngster once said so wisely, “There’s no place like home!”

The New Jersey Governor’s mansion is the only such residence in the United States with a twenty-four hour buffet.  While this is paid for by private contributions, and not by taxpayer money, it still probably bothered Governor Christie that so much yummy food was going to waste while he gobbled down Whoppers on a souped up tour bus.

Traveling across America to meet voters during the Winter isn’t the best way to see the country.  Everything is covered in snow, cold, dark, and dreary.  One town bleeds into the next until the candidates have no idea where they are when they look out the window.

Did Chris Christie Just Get Homesick? | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherIn New Jersey, there’s no mistaking where you are.  It’s impossible to hide from the distinct stench that blows in off the swamp lands and mixes with the odor of the power plants and garbage dumps.

When you’re in New Jersey, you always know you’re home, and that your next meal is only a short stroll away at a buffet manned by the state’s top chefs.

So those supposed political experts can tell you that Chris Christie dropped out of the race because nobody wanted him to be President, but this Brooklyn Boy knows better.

He was just homesick.  He needed to return home, recharge his batteries, catch a Devils’ game, and maybe close down a bridge or two to give his bruised ego a little boost.

Because after Bruce Springsteen, there’s only one other Boss in Jersey.  And he’s home now, making up for lost time at the Gubernatorial Buffet…

Did Chris Christie Just Get Homesick? | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherWhat do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Do you agree with my theory about why Chris Christie dropped out of the race?  Which Republican candidate do you think most benefits from his absence?  Do you have any idea how to get the stench of New Jersey out of clothing?


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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6 Responses to Did Chris Christie Just Get Homesick?

  1. Oh definitely homesick. Someone needs to close those bridges. I think Rubio benefits the most but that’s not saying much. How about some Fabreeze?

  2. Who benefits? We all benefit. As far as getting the stink out of New Jersey, I’d say just move,

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