Donald Trump, having grown bored with picking on the other Republican Presidential Candidates, has decided to bully someone else in the week leading up to the South Carolina Primary, Modern Philosophers.
And God knows, he couldn’t have picked a more intriguing sparring partner.
Somehow, Pope Francis got pulled into Trump’s Rings of Hell Republican Insanity Tour, and a mild war of words about Christian behavior escalated into a heated battle over who wears the sillier looking thing on his head.
My money is on Trump’s hair.
How did it all end? Did Pope Francis do the Christian thing and turn the other cheek? Did he follow the Golden Rule and do unto Trump as he would them do unto him?
Actually, Trump pulled a page out of his Reality TV Playbook and uttered the two words no Apprentice contestant ever wants to hear…
It was at this point that Pope Francis reminded St. Donald the Blowhard that only God could relieve him of his duty as head of the Catholic Church.
That was when the Republican front runner told the Pontiff that he was God, his following was huuuuuuuuge, and he was the second coming of Ross Perot, only without the big ears and with much better negotiating skills.
“He then cursed at me for three minutes, made rude comments about my family, and threatened to build a wall around Vatican City and turn it into a casino open only to people who voted for him,” The Holy Father told me via Skype. “At that point, I hung up, prayed for his soul, and thanked the Lord that I wasn’t an American voter.”
While Trump would not comment for this post, word did make its way to The House on the Hill that Pope Francis had been relieved of his duties, and that Trump Vatican City Hotel & Casino would have the largest, most electrifying opening the world had ever seen in 2017.
“I think I should spend more time in America if Donald Trump is the best leader your country can put forward,” Pope Francis continued. “He reminds me of two characters from one of my favorite movies, The Wizard of Oz. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something about him that makes me think of the Scarecrow and the Tin Man. I will have to pray on it and try to figure out the connection.”
The Pontiff’s thinly veiled insult about Trump’s lack of a brain and heart made me realize that he really is such an antagonizing figure if he can get under the usually thick skin of The Holy Father. No wonder Bush, Cruz, and Rubio snap so easily.
Of course, in my mind, Marco Rubio is the robotic Tin Man, Jeb Bush the Cowardly Lion, afraid to tell his family he wants to drop out of the race, Ben Carson the Scarecrow looking for a brain on which to operate, and Ted Cruz is the Wicked Witch of the West.
Not only did he tell me to get lost in a manner that was about a million times ruder than that, but he also fired me from the blog I’ve built by myself over the past three years.
Hopefully, I can get a Papal Dispensation and continue on with the blog. However, if Trump wins the election, I’m worried that he’ll have me exiled from the United States.
Of course, the joke would be on him because I have no intention of remaining here if he’s elected President.
Pope Francis has already assured me that there’s a room waiting for me at The Vatican if I need a place to crash.
My gut tells me I’ve got nothing to worry about, though, Modern Philosophers. It says that before long, American voters will be telling Donald Trump that he’s fired!
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