I’m extremely grateful that when the Father of our Country comes by for his annual birthday visits, he does so in the form of a Ghost, rather than as a Zombie.
I just don’t think I’d have the heart to drive a stiletto, my Zombie dispatching weapon of choice, through the brain of one of our most beloved Founding Fathers.
As always, I served ice cream cake to mark the occasion.
Even though Ghost George cannot eat, he finds great humor in my eating a cake made of ice cream to honor his birthday.
“Cake made of ice cream!” he marveled. “It never ceases to amaze me the wonders that have come from this country, which was once just a struggling band of colonies trying to break free of tyranny. Cakes of ice cream indeed!”
While I always try to keep the conversation light and focused on simpler things like baseball (Washington is a huge fan of the Senators, and would like nothing more than to see my Yankees face off against his favorite team in the World Series), something clearly weighed on our First President’s mind tonight.
“I am deeply disturbed by the outcome of your Presidential primaries, most especially on the Republican side,” he informed me with a heavy sigh. “On more than one instance, my remains have turned over in their grave. What is the fascination with this blowhard Trump?”
“Has it come to a point where money once again can buy power?” he demanded. “For what else does this buffoon have to offer the people of this great nation other than gold, hatred, and boastful promises that are impossible for him to keep? How can it be that this man and I might be forever linked in America’s history? I as the First President, and this hate monger as its last!”
I had never thought of Donald Trump as being the Last President of the United States (truth be told, I try not to think of him as the next President of the United States), but Washington’s Ghost got my Deep Thoughts flowing.
If Trump becomes President, the odds of a nuclear war increase exponentially. Not only is he a hot head, who I don’t doubt would launch nukes to prove that his missile was the hugest, but I’m also sure he would piss off the other leaders of the world so badly that they’d want to wipe America off the map just to silence him once and for all.
And if another country doesn’t turn the United States into a nuclear wasteland that would make the Mad Max films seem like romantic comedies, there’s an excellent chance that this country’s own military would stage a coup to get rid of him.
The Generals would assassinate President Trump, declare martial law, and America would be ruled over by a dictator until another country nuked us straight to Hell.
“You’ve really opened up my eyes, Ghost Washington,” I had to admit after I allowed the hard stuff to pickle my brain a little and calm the Apocalyptic Deep Thoughts.
“I cannot tell a lie,” The Ghost of our First President reminded me solemnly. “Trump must go. He reminds me far too much of King George, and he seems too eager to sit on a throne of hatred and fear. The revolution must begin now. Make America great again by rejecting this man who would be king!”
George Washington would be almost 400 years old if he were alive today. Even at that advanced age, he’d be a far better President than Donald Trump.
Happy Birthday, George Washington! This nation’s birthday gift to you is a promise to not elect the Last President of the United States in 2016!
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