Super Tuesday Jump Starts March Madness

Super Tuesday Jump Starts March Madness | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherIt’s Super Tuesday, Modern Philosophers, and the first of March, which means that the 2016 Presidential Candidates are jump starting March Madness!

Almost one quarter of the states in the Union are holding primaries or caucuses, so if anyone in the field wants to make a move to be in the Final Two, today is the day.

Right now, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the number one seeds in their respective parties, but history had taught us that the favorites don’t always end up hoisting the trophy in the end.

That’s why we play this tournament!

Bernie Sanders took a massive beating in the South Carolina primary over the weekend, and if he wants to bust brackets, he needs to pick up his game on Super Tuesday.

He lost by nearly a 3 to 1 margin, and those are the kind of results you’d expect from early round losers like Rand Paul, Martin O’Malley, and Chris Christie.  Doc Brown’s angry stunt double needs to perform better in Southern states, or else he’ll have to borrow the DeLorean and time travel back six months to come up with a much better plan for appealing to African American voters.

Bernie also needs away to get all those crazy kids, who love to boast about Feeling the Bern on social media, to actually put down their phones long enough to go vote.

Super Tuesday Jump Starts March Madness | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherHillary Clinton, on the other hand, is the Queen of the South.  Even though she calls the great state of New York home now, she’s an Arkansas gal at heart.

As she proved in South Carolina, she has no problem with kicking an old man while he’s down, and she has done an excellent job of courting the African American vote.

If the South shall rise again in Hillary’s favor on Super Tuesday, the Berninator is going to have plenty of time on his hands to finally comb his hair and buy some new suits.

There are non-Southern states up for grabs today, and Sanders really needs to win all of them.

Then we have the Three Stooges aka the Republicans.

Super Tuesday Jump Starts March Madness | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherTrump is way out in front fueled by his ego, a freakishly loyal fan base from his reality TV show, and whatever energy that thing on his head burns in order to stay alive.

To be perfectly honest, Modern Philosophers, I have no idea why Trump has turned into the (David) Duke of this year’s March Madness.

He seems unstoppable, he’s winning primaries by decisive margins, and the Republican leadership has no idea how the hell to get rid of him.

Truth be told, Trump seems like the political veteran, while his opposition can do absolutely nothing to chip away at his massive lead despite their family ties, years of public service, and the backing of late night talk show hosts who do nothing but mock The Donald.

I keep hearing people complain about Trump, and how there’s no way in the world the man can be our next President, and yet he’s poised to cut down the nets and wrap up the Republican nomination on Super Tuesday.

If everyone supposedly hates Trump, why are the numbers always in his favor?

Super Tuesday Jump Starts March Madness | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherCould it be because there’s no one on his side of the bracket that’s got enough game to beat him?

Modern Philosopher whipping boy and the world’s most excited third place finisher, Marco (Polo!) Rubio can’t seem to gain any traction.

He’s the only “establishment friendly” Republican left in the race, and yet, he constantly fails to get the party to rally behind him to help him pull ahead.

Every race is a runaway victory for Trump, while Rubio and Cruz fight it out for second.

Ironically, Marco (Polo!) seems to get way more pumped when he finishes third than second, so maybe someone needs to sit him down and explain how winning works.

Rubio acts like moral victories are more important than actual victories.  That’s why Marco (Polo!) can’t find his way out of the pool and into the Championship Game.

Super Tuesday Jump Starts March Madness | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherThat leaves Ted Cruz.

What can I say about Cruz that wouldn’t be a waste of our time and the words it takes to put those Deep Thoughts down on the page?

He comes across as a mildly successful insurance salesman, who desperately needs a colonoscopy but refuses to take time off from work to have the procedure.

Cruz simply rubs me the wrong way.  I get a bad vibe from him, don’t trust him, and wish one of the other candidates would punch him in the face during a debate.

What I don’t get, Modern Philosophers, is how the Republicans had four years to come up with the best and brightest members of the party to run for President, but what we’re left with on Super Tuesday is a trio of putzes.

Maybe that is the true March Madness!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Super Tuesday Jump Starts March Madness

  1. Great Post. Loved the “Three Stooges” connection analogy.

  2. At it again, knocking brilliant writing right outta the ballpark. Entertaining tongue-in-cheek read, my friend. –Sondi

  3. “Mildly successful insurance salesman” gives him too much credit. How about a wildly successful used car salesman? Says what needs to be said to sell cars while his beady little eyes search out the next victim. Great post!

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