Maine Can’t Have 2 Devils!

Maine can't have two Devils. Donald Trump will need to step aside and allow The Prince of Darkness to reign. |The Return of the Modern Philosopher“You wouldn’t believe the lines outside the polling place,” The Devil blurted out excitedly as he rushed into the room.

Maine’s Democratic Caucus for the 2016 Presidential Election was today, and voting was going on just up the street from The House on the Hill.

I looked up to reply, but words would not come out of my mouth.  Instead, I just stared at the blue circle on the lapel of his impeccably tailored suit jacket.

“What’s wrong?” Lucifer asked as he looked down at his suit in a panic, fearful he had damaged it in someway.

Still too stunned to speak, I just pointed at the object as he sat down on the couch.

He raised a puzzled eyebrow and then looked down at his lapel.  “Are you staring at my Feel The Bern button, Austin?”

“Is that a campaign pin on your uniform?” I nearly screamed as I forced the words out of my mouth, and they exploded out as a muddled mix of a question, a demand, and a quote from Animal House.

“Yes, it is. Thanks for noticing,” The Prince of Darkness replied with a charming smile.  “A very passionate Bernie Sanders supporter pinned it onto my $1,500 suit as she spoke of her beloved candidate’s virtues.”

“I hope you’re not going to hold that against Bernie,” I mumbled as I reached for a Snapple from the cooler.

A big gulp of ice tea cured me of my tied tongue.

Maine Can't Have Two Devils! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“Of course not.  Bernie is awesome,” Satan answered with a wink.  “By the way, you’re welcome for yesterday.

Now it was my turn to raise an eyebrow and look at him in confusion.  Unfortunately, I did not do so in a $1,500 suit.  My Sunday outfit had run me $19.99 at Toga Mart.

“For Trump’s losing the Republican Caucus,” The Devil responded with yet another wink.  “Don’t worry, you don’t owe me anything.  I did it as a favor.”

He removed a silk handkerchief from an inside pocket of his jacket and used it to polish his Feel The Bern pin.

“You rigged the Republican Caucus?” I yelled loud enough for my neighbors to hear across the street.

“Settle down,” Lucifer insisted as he handed me my Snapple.  “Yes, I did see to it that Trump didn’t win.  Don’t worry, I made the results believable enough so that it will never raise suspicion.”

“But why?” I asked after a second sip of Snapple.  “I didn’t think you cared about politics.”

The Prince of Darkness shrugged and let out a long sigh.  “I’m going to tell you something, but if you ever repeat it, I will not only deny it, but I will also see to it that you are on the receiving end of my pitchfork.  Are we clear as to the terms of this agreement?”

I nodded emphatically as I glanced at his pitchfork over in the corner.

Even The Devil sees Trump as a threat! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“Maine isn’t big enough for two Devils!” Satan growled.  “This is where I come to find peace from Hell.  Donald Trump is not going to take it away from me!”

I had to laugh.  “Even you think that Trump is a threat!”

“You got that right!” The Devil exclaimed.  “That man is an orange Devil.  They’re not as powerful as a red Devil, but they are a totally different kind of evil.  I don’t associate with his kind.”

“You should build a wall around Hell to keep out his kind,” I quipped.

“What do you think I have those poor souls doing down there as we speak?” he countered.

I took another bottle of Snapple out of the cooler and handed it to my guest.

“Thanks for pulling those strings yesterday,” I said sincerely.

He just nodded and chugged his Snapple.  Apparently, Donald Trump drove even The Prince of Darkness to drink…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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