When The Blogger Breaks

Sometimes, the blogger breaks, and it takes a little time to reboot the system. Life can take its toll, and this model of blogger is definitely not shiny and new...We interrupt this blog’s regularly scheduled programming, Modern Philosophers, because the blogger is broken.

Repairmen are on their way to The House on the Hill, but it’s difficult to get good help at such a late hour.

So what happens when the blogger breaks?  And why does he seem to break so often?

I’m not good with technology, Modern Philosophers, but I do know that the blogger isn’t exactly shiny and new, so parts have a tendency to wear out more quickly than they did back in the day.

While the mind on this model is state of the art, it does have a system flaw that has never been debugged.  It turns out that an overactive mind, that never shuts down to reboot or simply rest, can drain the rest of the system and increase chances of malfunction.

Of course, the blogger’s heart, which many believe outranks the mind for overall system control, has always been defective.  It’s a genetics issue, I’m afraid.

The blogger’s mother died of heart problems when he was only three, and the one trait he clearly inherited from her was a broken heart.

Walls have been built to better protect that glaring soft spot, but they were apparently designed from the same plans used to construct both Death Stars and Starkiller Base.

When The Blogger Breaks | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherThere’s no sure fire fix for the things that break us, Modern Philosophers, so I like to focus on how I bounce back from any situation that puts me in a tailspin.

As smart as I like to think I am, I never learn from my mistakes.  So rather than tying to figure out how to stop making them, I’d rather put in the time coming up with a better way to recover more quickly.

I have a tendency to wallow when I’m broken.  I play the role of the martyr who doesn’t understand why the world is against me.

There’s a very good chance that I’m diametrically opposed to being happy.  I’m forever waiting for the other shoe to drop, so even when everything is going fine, I’m suspicious that it’s all a mirage and reality will inevitably crash the party and put me back in my place.

Perhaps this is just my broken mind talking, but it seems like the more comfortable I get in a situation, the more likely I am to destroy it by being myself.  When something is new, I have this strong suspicion that I become another version of myself.  I am aware of how I have ruined situations in the past, and while I am the first to admit that I never learn from my mistakes, I do make a gallant attempt not to repeat them.

However, once everything seems right, I let down my guard, allow myself to be happy, and  can see my future changing.  As if it were Marty McFly’s photo from Back to the Future, I smile at the image changing from me as a lonely, broken, old shell of a man to a happy man surrounded by so much love.

When I feel safe and secure in a situation, I just be myself again, and that’s when it all goes to hell.

When The Blogger Breaks | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherI don’t actually notice it happening.  There just comes a point when I allow myself to believe that I’ve actually found true happiness, and somehow, I end up losing whatever it is that has allowed me to think that all is well in my world.

And so I retreat into my reclusive bunker, work on the repairs, and try to build up the courage to put myself back in a situation that always seems to end with my being battered, bruised, and leaking tears.

To be honest, I’d give anything to never have to deal with being broken again.  I truly believed that I had found my nirvana this time.  Yet here I am.  Broken.

When I’m not broken, I’m quite fun to follow on Pinterest…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Love, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to When The Blogger Breaks

  1. DON’T change a thing. You are fine. Life isn’t worth it if you can’t throw yourself into it. Sorry, though. Makes me sad.

  2. Éilis Niamh says:

    Sorry, Austin. I know that waiting for the shoe to drop feeling. For me it developed through living in a family that constantly anticipated disappointment, and it was the disappointment often focused on as a result. I can relate to feeling like my authentic self cannot be loved, that as soon as I put my guard down and am myself, I’m rejected. In love, work, anything where I feel stakes are very high. Is it possible there could have just been a misunderstanding? Take care of yourself and spend the time that you need, there’s no reason to force yourself into the world again right away if that feels too harsh. There are a lot of other things in my head right now too but I don’t want to just be another one to give advice, because ultimately you are not broken. There’s wholeness in all of us under the hurt, I struggle to see it in myself as much as I think most of us do. I’ve learned that happiness is something I can only give myself, if it depended on what other people said or did or didn’t do my life would continue to be mimmicking the pinball machine effect I used to think was normal. You matter and have value – please don’t let someone take that from you, it is not theirs to take, in a way it is not yours to give. In my experience, intense feelings come in waves and it is only after that and the needed rest afterward that you can approach the subject of honesty, with what is and is not acceptible to you, what you need, how you can respond or not respond. I’m really sorry to hear about your mom dying when you were so young, when you said that and then spoke about your fear of losing what you love, I thought, why wouldn’t you feel that way? Seriously, kids don’t know the difference between separation through death and rejection by abandonment, either is painful, and its easy for lasting trust to become a luxury. –

    • Austin says:

      Thank you for sharing those amazing Deep Thoughts. Like you pointed out, because of my Mom’s death, I think I’m always waiting for the next person to vanish on me and leave me all alone. I hadn’t realized that until right now when you mentioned it. Thank you for making me see that…

  3. ksbeth says:

    i’m sorry, and you’re not broken, just sprained. you’ll be okay over time, but it sure hurts a lot right now, I’m sure.

  4. D. Parker says:

    Austin, I’m so sorry that you are feeling broken, but you’re not, just a little bent, maybe dinged, but not broken, because you don’t need repair. Life throws us curve balls, but hopefully it throws you something that gives you a home run soon. Big hugs. 🙂

  5. livingincyn says:

    The ego is an interesting thing. I am so sorry that you’re hurting and self-sabotaging. The ego likes to do that when it feels like the heart is “taking over”. Here’s the thing, the heart has ample space for the ego too. Make the amends you can, don’t beat yourself up… As D. Parker says, we all get “bent, maybe dinged, but not broken” and you don’t need repair.

    • Austin says:

      Well, I do need something to slow down my racing heart because that’s got me more than a tad freaked out. Thanks for the kind, encouraging words. 🙂

  6. Pick yourself up my friend and please, climb back into that ring. I know you’re a fighter, but it never hurts to get a little pat on the back for encouragement. Ding! Go get em tiger. ‘o)

  7. Peace to you. One day, one moment, one breath at a time.

  8. It sounds like the blogger needs a good rest and a hug…

    Sorry you’re feeling sad my lovely – it’s so difficult to get out of the funk when it hits… It’s all about just biding your time and being patient while it passes, because it eventually will.

    Thinking of you – love, hugs and squashy bugs

    • Austin says:

      Thanks. I did let one of the interns write tonight’s post because the panic attacks are really getting to me. Hopefully, a weekend spent hiding under the covers from the scary world will make me better!

  9. donedreaming says:

    I’m in the process of trying to unfreeze my rock of a heart and it’s no easier than trying to protect a soft kind heart like yours so please don’t change from the caring soul that you are. We sometimes place the reason for our happiness in to the hands of others and that’s a heavy load for someone else to be responsible for, it’s draining. I read something this week – Be the person you needed when you were a kid. Be your own source of happiness, be your own best friend, be kind and nurture yourself. It’s not how quickly you can recover from the next bout before you throw yourself back in there, it’s not a boxing match it’s your precious life. Go gentle on yourself. Sending you hugs and warm thoughts Awesome x

  10. My dear Austin,
    You popped into my brain earlier today. Seriously. I was standing in my closet and I remember wondering how you were…then, I chastised myself for not checking sooner. Two hours later, I’m finally here and am so sorry.
    It was during one of my “in-hiding” periods that a friend confirmed that down-time and disappearing wasn’t all bad. She told me a story about wounded birds and how the best rehab is enclosing them in a box with food and air holes until they are completely healed. I used to feel bad about disappearing, now I know it’s the best thing for everyone. Take your time, keep your spirit, and know that we will all be here when you return. Xo

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