Friday Night Think Tank: Mixed Martial March Madness

Friday Night Think Tank: Mixed Martial March Madness | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherHappy Friday, Modern Philosophers!

It’s been a long week, and I’ve got a busy weekend ahead, so I’m really looking forward to relaxing in the Think Tank tonight while I generate some Deep Thoughts.

What do you think of the revamped logo for this weekly feature?  Doc Brown had some ideas to make it look both edgier and more insightful, and when one of the greatest minds of my generation (as well as many other generations due to his Time Travels) makes a suggestion, I listen!

I’m still jazzed about the premiere of my weekly column over on The Good Men Project, but it’s time to free my mind so the rest will follow.  Yes, En Vogue just made an unexpected cameo on the blog!

The winds might be whipping outside The House on the Hill, but inside the Think Tank, all is warm and cozy.  Who’s going to join me?

This week’s topic: March is a busy month with Presidential Primaries, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, and the NCAA Basketball Tournament.  If the remaining Presidential candidates, St. Patrick, the Easter Bunny, and America’s favorite college basketball commentator, Dick Vitale entered a steel cage for a Mixed Martial Arts match, who would be the last one standing?

Before I get angry comments and emails about why I chose the Easter Bunny over Jesus as the representative of Easter, let me remind you that J. C. is the Son of God, who rose from the dead, performed miracles, and inspired a generation to ask what He would do.

That means Jesus would have an extreme advantage over all the other combatants, so it wouldn’t be a fair fight.  That’s why the bunny gets in the cage.  Got it?

This is a real Deep Thought generator, Modern Philosophers, so let me share what I’ve got bubbling to the surface of my gray matter.

Trump would boast that he’d beat everyone, but wouldn’t have a plan to explain how he’d do it.  Hillary would flip flop from idea to idea about how to emerge victorious, and eventually do her best to sound like Bernie Sanders.

Bernie would rant about how the top one percent had an unfair advantage because they could afford actual Mixed Martial Arts training.  Ted Cruz would just say mean things about everyone else, while standing in the corner looking all creepy.

John Kasich would spend all his time trying to make people notice he was there, and then do everything he could to move the steel cage to Ohio.

Dick Vitale would just provide the play by play.  He’s a lover not a fighter.  The Easter Bunny, who’s proven his excellent at hiding Easter eggs, would find someplace to curl up unnoticed.  His enormous ears would eventually betray his hiding place, though, and he’d end up flattened like a Peep that’s been left out in the sun too long.

Friday Night Think Tank: Mixed Martial March Madness | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherThat leaves my pick, St. Patrick.

The man might be a Saint, but that doesn’t mean he can’t hold his own in a brawl.

He cleared the snakes out of Ireland, so he could certainly handle a few politicians, an overly excited, yappy old man, and a giant rabbit.

St. Paddy has that awesome staff, which would make him the only armed combatant in the struggle.  Unless, of course, Trump removes that creature from his head and allows it to attack.

As a Saint, Patrick must possess some secret Catholic Superhero powers.  My guess is God would give him the power to smite Trump right off the bat, and his God given magic would be far more powerful than Hillary’s black magic.

Who else would want to put up a fight with the Patron Saint of Irish pub brawlers?

So it’s St. Paddy in a landslide as far as I’m concerned.  What do you think?

Be a saint and follow me on Pinterest.  The Easter Bunny will reward you…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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2 Responses to Friday Night Think Tank: Mixed Martial March Madness

  1. roweeee says:

    Sorry but when it comes to your list of combatants, the Australian Drop Bear would take them all out. Not one for restraint, it would tear that creature straight off Donald Trump’s head and make an honest man out of him. Hey, would you like me to send a few over your way? They might look cute and furry but wait until you see that smile:
    xx Rowena

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