Snow Miser Is A Hell Of A Jerk

A spring blizzard? Snow Miser is a Hell of a jerk! | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherI was so lost in my writing that I hadn’t even noticed that The Devil had entered the room until he thrust an envelope between my eyes and the laptop’s screen.

“What’s this?” I asked when I finally focused my eyes on the tall, impeccably dressed ruler of Hell, who stared down at me with an angry look on his handsome face.

“That is your bill for the emergency you caused today,” Lucifer snapped in reply.  “I expect payment immediately.”

“Payment for what?” I asked in utter confusion as I nervously took the envelope and opened it.

Inside, I found an invoice for $37,000 for “Emergency Services Rendered”.

“Thirty-seven thousand dollars!” I yelled in disbelief as I looked again at the words and numbers on the paper and hoped that my eyes were deceiving me.  “And what the Hell were the rendered emergency services?”

The Prince of Darkness did not answer my stressed out query, so I finally looked up from the invoice to get a better read on him and the situation.

That was when I noticed that he was smiling.

“That’s how much it cost to have Hell thawed after it froze over today,” he quipped.  “Apparently, it happened because you went to the gym.”

My eyes narrowed, I crumbled up the bill, and hurled it at his precious suit.  Of course, it didn’t do any damaged since he was standing a mere six inches away.

Snow Miser Is A Hell Of A Jerk | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“You’re Hell-arious,” I snapped.  “Do you see what I did there?  Hell and then larious, you know, because you and your stupid prank can go to Hell.”

Satan chuckled and walked over to his side of the couch.  Once he was seated, he took two bottles of Snapple out of the cooler, and handed one to me.

“So what inspired you to go back to the gym?” The Devil asked after he took a sip of his iced tea.

“It’s Spring,” I informed him.  “Time to get back into shape.  Of course, you’d never know it was Spring with a blizzard predicted for tomorrow.”

“Snow Miser is a Hell of a jerk!” Lucifer declared as he held up his bottle for a toast.

I happily tapped bottles for that one, and then took a long sip of my drink.

“When does Winter ever end around here?” I asked with a heavy sigh.  “I took all the rocks out of my trunk last week because I thought we were done with the snow and icy roads.”

“You lost the junk in your trunk?” The Prince of Darkness asked in return.  “After just one day at the gym?  I’m impressed.”

I simply rolled my eyes.  He thought he was so funny, but he really wasn’t.  However, I was too scared to tell him that given that he could decide to snatch my soul out of my chest and use it as his plaything for all of eternity.

I hate it when the weather is upside down. It shouldn't be allowed to snow during Spring! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“I’m not a fan of Snow Miser’s refusing to adhere to the schedule of seasons set forth by the Calendar Commission,” I told Mr. Comedic Genius.  “If it’s Spring, there shouldn’t be a Winter Storm, or snow of any sort.  It’s like the weather’s turned upside down, and it’s making me dizzy!”

“Perhaps you’re lightheaded from your trip to the gym,” Satan offered with a chuckle.  “You sweat profusely when you exercise, so it’s reasonable to think you lost enough bodily fluids to have thrown off your equilibrium.”

A snowstorm predicted for the first full day of Spring, and The Devil cracking jokes about how much I sweat.

Was it possible that I didn’t remember dying, and I was already trapped in Hell?

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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8 Responses to Snow Miser Is A Hell Of A Jerk

  1. stomperdad says:

    We’re getting that storm now. Thanks for sending it over! 4-6 inches. Kids got out of school at noon today because of it. It is pretty. IN THE WINTER!! 😉 Good job getting to the gym. Satan can go to … well never mind. That doesn’t work.

  2. adamjasonp says:

    It snowed, alright. Melting and falling off the trees, though…

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