“It is with great pride that I announce that Easter candy, which has enjoyed its lofty position as the top one percent of all candy for the past month, has finally rejoined the other ninety-nine percent!” Senator Sanders declared to an enthusiastic crowd of supporters outside of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
The factory has become a Sanders stronghold in the days leading up to the state’s pivotal Democratic Primary, which is being held on April 5. Candyland has 67 delegates up for grabs, and winning them is crucial to Sanders’ quest to overtake Clinton.
Current polls show Sanders with an 8 point lead over Clinton in Candyland, but pundits predict that today’s announcement might give voters a sugar high for Bernie and cause his lead to rise like blood sugar readings after an all day candy binge.
“Who can make the sun rise?” The Candy Man asked this Modern Philosopher. “The Bernie Man can!”
Sanders has been running on a platform of economic equality and reducing the power the top one percent of Americans holds over the nation and its politicians.
“By putting the Easter candy in its place, Bernie Sanders showed that he is serious about bettering the lives of all Americans. He has our endorsement!” The Three Musketeers declared shortly after Sander’s rousing speech.
While some might say that all the Vermont Senator did was move the Easter candy from its lofty perch in supermarkets over to the discount shelves, it was incredibly symbolic.
“I don’t even celebrate Easter, and I was offended by how hoity toity that Easter candy was,” confessed one Sanders supporter, who identified herself only as Mary Jane. “It’s overpriced, it’s got that special colorful packaging, and they put it front and center in the store, displacing other items from their usual homes. It’s despicable!”
Sanders marked down the Easter candy considerably, Modern Philosophers. Bags that were going for $5 just three days ago, were red tagged at an unbelievable ninety-nice cents. In some cases, they were offering three bags for $2.50!
“I don’t believe in holding back,” Sanders explained as he enjoyed a non-Easter Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, which he had proudly purchased for seventy-five cents. “All the other candy needs to make a living. All the other candy needs to feel like it is as vital to society as the fancy Easter candy. This is the America I want for all of us!”
Hillary Clinton, the current front runner for the Democratic Presidential nomination, told this Modern Philosopher that she will comment on her opponent’s announcement at some point before Tuesday’s big primary. Clinton said she wanted to see how the voters reacted first, and she would then form an opinion of her own based solely on that.
Stores all over America followed Sanders’ lead and severely slashed the prices on their stock of Easter candy. Some might say that this was Bernie’s Boston Tea Party.
Is it enough to make Sanders the Democrats’ nominee on Election Day? Only time will tell. In the meantime, have some candy and think of what Bernie Sanders just did for equality in America!
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