America Needs A Loving Grandpa

America needs a loving Grandpa like Bernie Sanders, not an Evil Stepmother, a crazy uncle, or some weird cousin that is really into taxidermy...I was giving it some Deep Thought tonight, Modern Philosophers, and America is like one huge family.

We don’t always get along, but we’ve got that same patriotic blood running through our veins, and we love our home sweet home.

Right now, the family is in chaos.  Everyone’s fighting, no one wants to mow the lawn, and the garbage hasn’t been taking out in months.

It’s pretty clear what this family needs to make everything all better again…

America needs a loving Grandpa.

We need to be spoiled, we need to feel like someone’s listening to us, we need someone to run to when our parents are being jerks.

America needs Bernie Sanders.

Sure, he’s a little rough around the edges, he shouts a lot, and he really seems fixated on a few stories that he likes to tell over and over, but he’s our Grampy so we love him.

You know he’s going to slip you a crisp five dollar bill and tell you to buy yourself something nice…just as long as you don’t give it to the top one percent.  Those bastards want our money, but they don’t need it.

America needs a respected patriarch to watch over the entire family.  Which of the Presidential candidates is going to do that better than Bernie?

An Evil Stepmother is the last thing this family needs, Modern Philosophers!We certainly don’t need an Evil Stepmother!

Trust me on this one, Modern Philosophers.  I’ve gone down this route, and it was not pretty.  Worse yet, there was no such thing as term limits for me.

I know that tough love has a time and a place, and we’ll get that from Grandpa.

However, the Evil Stepmother knows no other kind of love.  She is relentless, can never be pleased, and will always tell you how her own kids are way better than you.

America does not need that right now.

This family needs a positive vibe, hard candies when we’re good, a starched handkerchief to cry into when we’re sad, and a figurehead who definitely doesn’t have the technical know how to embroil the family in an e-mail scandal.

Why is our crazy uncle always so racist?  No amount of of money is going to buy my love!We also don’t need a crazy uncle.

I don’t care how rich he is, I’m never going to allow him to buy my love!  No amount of money can bring me back my dignity after yet another one of his racist outbursts.

What does he have against Mexicans anyway?  I’ve never understood that.

And what is that thing on his head?  Please don’t tell me it’s hereditary.  If that’s my future, I’m going to start sporting a buzz cut now so everyone can get used to it.

The family always fights whenever the crazy uncle is around, and he talks about himself so much that I often wonder if he even realizes the rest of us exist.

No, uncle, I don’t want to try one of your steaks.  I’d rather have Mexican food.

The creepy cousin who love taxidermy and wants to date all of your friends' sisters...Lastly, we don’t need the creepy cousin who’s obsessed with taxidermy, still lives with his parents, and always looks like he’s taking a dump when he smiles.

He won’t stop asking me to set him up with my friends’ sisters, and I refuse to ride in his windowless van.

We need someone sitting at the head of the table who is going to put the needs of the family first.  Otherwise, we might be stuck in this rut for another four years.

America needs a loving Grandpa.

America needs Bernie Sanders.

Feel the Bern and follow me on Pinterest!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to America Needs A Loving Grandpa

  1. leojoy18 says:

    love this!

  2. Sheila Moss says:

    You have really hit the nail on the head with this one. (Pardon the cliché) Your analogies make such perfect sense. I have never heard it explained better. applause, applause

  3. Lutheranliar says:

    Awesomely accurate analogies!

  4. jan says:

    Haha! Good job Austin. You nailed it. Evil step mother may be a bit much but all the other analogies are right on!

  5. Love it. Cruz looks more like a child molester to me, but I guess that’s not PC. So maybe I can be the crazy Aunt that says what she thinks.

  6. I don’t see Hillary in quite the same way, but love the analogy in any event!

  7. The Cutter says:

    You’re right. I wouldn’t let Ted Cruz babysit my kids, let alone run the country.

  8. Morris Kupfer says:

    It may unfortunately be a choice between the crazy uncle and the evil step-mother; not the best of choices, but one that we all may unfortunately have to make.

  9. Gail Kaufman says:

    I may not necessarily agree with your political choice, but I love the creative and funny way you express it. Great post!

  10. You are right about mowing lawns. Most if not all Americans don’t want to and they are willing to pay illegal immigrants poverty wages to do it for them. If Trump or Cruz end up moving to the White House and kick out all the illegal immigrants fro the U.S., who will mow those lawns and pick the fruits and vegetables we eat—dwarfs and hobbits from Middle-earth?

    • Austin says:

      I hope you don’t ever have to find out!

      • No problem for me. I’m one of the few–a dying breed, I’m sure—that mows his own lawn and does his own yard work. In fact, I do a lot of the work around the house from building fences, stairways, roofing, plumbing (I hate plumbing but do it anyway), painting, flooring, electrical, etc. The more I do on my own, the more money I have to do more. Does that mean I’m paying for my own curse? I’d much rather be inside where it’s cool and avoid all the dirt and sweat. I do have to admit, I sleep better after a day of physical labor.

      • Austin says:

        I mow my own lawn and shovel my own driveway. I wonder if I’ll have to do those chores when I move to Canada after the election.. 🙂

      • I know two Canadians who said they will move to New Zealand if Trump is elected, because Canada is too close to the U.S. to stay sane and safe. If you mean shoveling snow, I think Canada gets even more.

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