The Devil’s First Pitch

The Devil stops by The House on the Hill to celebrate Opening Day, baseball, and the return of my beloved Yankees! “I am so thrilled that it’s Opening Day!” The Devil announced as he marched into the living room with a platter of his infamous Hellfire Wings.

He was appropriately dressed in an impeccably tailored pinstripe suit.  The House on the Hill is a Yankees household, and he was honoring my favorite team with his choice of outfit.

“I’m almost as excited that you brought wings!” I replied as my mouth watered and my stomach rumbled at the sight of the best chicken wings I’ve ever encountered.

“We couldn’t welcome back the Boys of Summer any other way,” Lucifer answered with a wink as he placed the platter on the table and then walked around to sit on the other end of the couch.

I quickly grabbed two bottles of Snapple out of the cooler and handed one to my guest.  Then I raised my bottle in a toast.

“To Opening Day, the National Pastime, and another World Series Championship for the Yankees!” I declared.

We tapped bottles and then drank some iced tea to make my words official.

“Your Yankees might have a little competition this year,” The Prince of Darkness informed me with a sly grin.  “I’ve had some very good offers in return for a Cubs championship.

I laughed out loud and almost spit the chicken in my mouth across the room.

The Devil's First Pitch | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“The Cubs are a joke!” I quickly shot down his idea.  “If they were to win the Series, everyone would know the fix was in.  I don’t think Chicago could handle a second World Series scandal after what happened to the Black Sox.”

“First of all, the Black Sox scandal was forever ago.  Secondly, the Cubs are actually very good,” he educated me on the status of Chicago baseball as he reached for a wing.  “They might win without my help, but I’d still take the credit and collect all those souls.”

“Isn’t business booming for you right now with all those Trump supporters out there?” I countered as I shoved another Hellfire Wing into my mouth.

Satan flashed a charming grin.  “Trump really is helping me with my quotas.  His followers are an evil bunch.  I might have to quarantine them in their own ring just to keep them from infuriating the rest of the damned.  The last thing Hell needs is another riot.”

That image wasn’t exactly comforting, so I washed it out of my mind with a big gulp of Snapple as I grabbed several more wings off the platter.

“All I know is that I’ve been desperate for Opening Day to arrive,” I confessed and then licked the wings sauce off my fingers.  “Hockey and basketball bore me, and the NCAA Tourney hasn’t mattered since Notre Dame lost last week.”

“At least your Fighting Irish made it to the Elite Eight.  Duke got knocked out way too yearl,” The Devil lamented.

He really loved his Blue Devils, and I dreaded to think of the bad luck that would befall the members of the team that knocked the Dukies out of March Madness.

Here come the Yankees! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“I just wish the Yankees were playing today,” I grumbled even though I was surrounded by chicken wings and baseball.

“You can’t have it all,” Lucifer reminded me.  “Well, you actually could, but you’d just have to agree to spend all eternity with me.”

He looked over at me hopefully, but I rolled my eyes at him.  There was no way in Hell that I was ever making a deal with The Devil.  Even if he did make the greatest chicken wings ever to occupy my tummy.

I could certainly wait one more day to watch my beloved Yankees.  When they finally threw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium, I would be in Baseball Heaven…

Play ball!  And then touch ’em all and follow me on Pinterest!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to The Devil’s First Pitch

  1. amommasview says:

    Had to giggle when reading about him bringing wings… thought he was actually rocking a pair of wings until I continued reading and realized you talked about food… anyway… kept going and another giggle when you mentioned that his group down there is growing because of Mr Trump… couldn’t agree more, they are a nasty bunch… Fantastic read once more. Cheers!

  2. Mary B says:

    Just curious…. were those wings … ummm HOT? Another great read! Thanks for making my Monday morning better.

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