The Jedi Retail Mind Trick

Why do I own so many Star Wars shirts? It's the Jedi Retail Mind Trick...These are definitely the Star Wars shirts you are looking for!” — Young Ben Kenobi, Men’s Department Associate

Everyone knows that the Jedi Mind Trick is a powerful weapon, Modern Philosophers, but few people realize that it is the Jedi Retail Mind Trick that poses the greatest threat to our feeble brains.

I’m not saying that we are all weak minded, but when compared to the Jedi, we are merely children with overripe watermelons rolling around inside our skulls.

For years, the Jedi have been living among us, hiding themselves in plain sight, and keeping us safe.

They’ve also been making huge commissions off us in their cover careers in retail.

I took this photo after returning from the gym this afternoon…

Modern Philosopher in BB-8 tee shirt.As you can see, I’m wearing a BB-8 tee shirt.  This one is my personal favorite for reasons I’m not willing to divulge at this time.

You will not wonder why this is Austin’s favorite shirt!” — The Modern Philosopher, Jedi in Training

It’s a cool shirt, it fits really well, and wearing it puts a huge smile on my face (as the above photo proves).  I’m a huge Star Wars fan, so it makes sense that I’d have this item in my wardrobe, wouldn’t you agree?

The Modern Philosopher and another BB-8 tee shirt...Here is a photo of me in another BB-8 tee shirt.  This one is blue, has a different design, but there’s no way it to hide that it is a second shirt depicting everyone’s favorite new droid from Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Why in the world do I need two BB-8 shirts?  I could see if I had multiple Rey garments as Daisy Ridley is my approved celebrity crush.

But what’s with all the droid merchandise?  The answer is pretty obvious…

The Jedi Retail Mind Trick!

Clearly, there is a Jedi working in my local Walmart, and this individual has used the Force to get me to make some purchases on my debit card.

No big deal.  I mean, Walmart always has great deals.

The Modern Philosopher and Darth VaderOkay, now this is getting ridiculous!  I have a Darth Vader shirt as well.  Where does the madness end?

I don’t mend spending my hard earned cash for goods that support the Light Side of the Force, but turning to the Dark Side deeply disturbs me.

A quick check of my dresser also revealed a Kylo Ren shirt.  I’m not going to post a photo of that one because this is just out of control.

I’m not even going to tell you about the Star Wars jacket I purchased at WalMart last winter.  Suffice it to say, it’s quite warm and cozy.

Rey likes my Star Wars stuff, right???I suppose it’s a good sign that I haven’t taken after Rey and decided to wear the same desert fatigued rags in almost every frame of the movie of my life.

Still, I’m a bit concerned about how I can’t seem to leave Walmart without buying another article of Star Wars clothing for my wardrobe.

Does anyone know how to battle the Jedi Retail Mind Trick?  Would wearing a tinfoil hat help?  Should I buy some Star Wars tinfoil to make that hat?

Don’t fight it, Austin.  Come back to Walmart tomorrow.  We just got in some new BB-8 shirts.  Third time’s the charm!” — Unidentified voice in my head with a British accent

Can I use the Jedi Mind Trick to get you to follow me on Pinterest?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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10 Responses to The Jedi Retail Mind Trick

  1. amommasview says:

    I’m glad that the force is not strong enough to make me fly over on a regular base to buy Star Wars shirts at Wallmart! I would, if it would reach me!!!

  2. Éilis Niamh says:

    Austin, I’m afraid that the solution is: Don’t go to Walmart. 🙂
    Yes, you can buy the same shirts elsewhere, particularly online. But you won’t be drawn to buying the “dark side” t-shirts if you don’t purchase from the dark side. Promise! Maybe. At least, that’s the theory. 🙂

  3. No Jedi Mind Trick could ever convince me to spend money at Walmart. That alone is a dark force. Don’t do it! Pay a little more at Target or someplace where they give folks full time hours and pay them a decent wage. No more questions, just stop with the Walmart shopping!!

  4. claidig says:

    I feel that way about my Vader “May the Presents Be With You” jumper. It was obviously the jumper I didn’t know I was looking for 🙂

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