On a beautiful Friday the 13th, at a press conference held at scenic Camp Crystal Lake, seemingly immortal serial killer, movie star, and goalie mask enthusiast Jason Voorhees endorsed Donald Trump for President.
“I believe that Mr. Trump can make America great again!” Voorhees exclaimed and drove home his point by slamming his machete into the podium.
“He wants to return America to a better time like the mid 1980s when life was simpler, people had more disposable income to go camping, and technology hadn’t yet been invented to help isolated campers call for help.”
Voorhees, who claimed to be a registered Republican, stated that he trusted Trump to use his killer instinct to “rid America of the problems that have plagued it for decades”. He also informed the press that he had volunteered his unique services to Future President Trump to help deal with terrorists.
“People are always pushing Mr. Trump to explain how he’d get rid of ISIS,” Voorhees growled from beneath his frightening mask. “I told him that from now on, he can refer all such inquiries to me.”
Does this mean that Trump is considering Voorhees for a Cabinet post like Secretary of Defense or Secretary of State?
“You’ll have to ask Mr. Trump that one,” Voorhees quickly replied. “I would love to take more questions, but today is kind of a busy one for me.”
Before he could escape into the forest, this Modern Philosopher was able to pose one last query to the machete wielding behemoth. I should probably clarify that I asked my question of Mr. Voorhees, not Mr. Trump.
He did not seem pleased with my question, but he did finally answer me after an extended stare down that might have left me worried that I’d wet my toga.
“I offered my endorsement with no strings attached, but Mr. Trump was so pleased that he did make me a promise to say thank you,” he explained as he tapped me on the shoulder with the tip of his machete. “He vowed to build a wall around Camp Crystal Lake so that horny teenagers wouldn’t be able to sneak in here anymore and disturb me.”
Trump’s campaign issued the following statement after the news conference at Camp Crystal Lake: Donald Trump is very pleased to have the endorsement of an American as well known and beloved as Jason Voorhees. If Donald Trump were to star in a Friday the 13th sequel, he assures you that the box office would be huge. Like Jason, Donald Trump cannot and will be stopped, no matter what his enemies try to do to prevent him from taking his rightful place behind the desk in The Oval Office. Happy Friday the 13th. God Bless America. God Bless Future President Donald Trump!
Friday the 13th: Trump Takes The White House is scheduled to premiere all across America in late January 2017…
Happy Friday the 13th, Modern Philosophers!
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