How To Tell If Your Date Is A Horror Movie Survivor

How To Tell If Your Date Is a Horror Movie Survivor | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherThe interns tell me I’m long overdue for a new Dating Tips post, Modern Philosophers.  Since I love being told to do by well educated twentysomethings, I decided to get right on that.

Dating can be very scary, and like a good horror movie, those watching the events unfold can often see the danger looming well before the participants.

Since yesterday was Friday the 13th, I think it fitting that I take this horror flick analogy even further and help you to figure out if your date is a actually horror movie survivor.

Before you get too comfortable on that next blind date, look for these warning signs…

She refuses to kiss you in greeting, but gives you an extended hug.  There are two things going on here, Modern Philosophers.  First, she is refusing to kiss you because everyone knows that in horror movies, the slutty ones get slaughtered.  Meanwhile, the virginal characters miraculously survive due to the psychopath’s distorted moral code.

Secondly, she’s not really hugging you.  She is patting you down for weapons, a mask, a voice distorter, and anything that could be used to restrain her.  Enjoy it while it lasts because that’s the last physical contact you might be getting for some time!

How To Tell If Your Date Is a Horror Movie Survivor | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherYour date takes place in the middle of the day in a well lit establishment that is frequented by law enforcement officers.  Your date is scared to death to be out at night when serial killers feel most comfortable.  She also knows from past experience that these killers use the dark as camouflage, and she is well aware that friends have walked off into the shadows to never be seen alive again.  She wisely wants cops around in case someone does try to kill her.  Then again, she might also have a thing for cops, so if you’re not one, this is another bad sign for you.

She doesn’t carry a cell phone.  Do I even need to explain why this is a red flag?  It’s 2016…what kind of weirdo doesn’t have a cell phone?  Not one you want to date.

In her defense, there’s a chance she might not have one because a crazed killer would call her all the time and tell her how he planned to kill her, her family, and all her friends.  Plus, cell phones are a great way for stalkers to track their victims.

Come to think of it, why do you have a cell phone, weirdo?

How To Tell If Your Date Is a Horror Movie Survivor | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherUpon being seated, she asks the server to remove all the knives from your table, the surrounding tables, and from the restaurant as a whole.  A couple of things come to mind here, Modern Philosophers.  She doesn’t trust herself around knives, she doesn’t trust you with a knife, she has some sort of weird knife phobia, she was once a magician’s assistant and had a close call during that trick where her old boss threw knives at her, or she witnessed her friends being slashed to death by a madman and then nearly escaped with her own life.

Maybe just take her for pizza or some ice cream so this won’t be an issue.

She is very jumpy and nervous.  Sure, it could mean she recently survived a horror movie, or she could just be like any other person on a first date.  Cut her some slack, dude.

How To Tell If Your Date Is a Horror Movie Survivor | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherTalking about her ex is taboo.  It’s common knowledge that the trashing of the exes is a popular first date activity.  It is a great way to break the ice, often leads to laughter, and tips you off to what she doesn’t like in a relationship.

If she doesn’t want to talk about the ex, it could mean a few things: she’s not over him (which is bad news for you!), he was recently viciously murdered in front of her by a deranged serial killer, or the ex plotted with his demented best friend to kill her.

Bottom line: if she won’t talk about the ex, she’s waving a red flag so glaring that bulls will begin to stampede.  Duck for cover.

You wear your favorite red and black striped sweater along with your lucky fedora and she forces you to go home and change.  This could only mean one thing: you don’t have a similar fashion philosophy.  The relationship is doomed.

How To Tell If Your Date Is a Horror Movie Survivor | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherEvery time you try to bring up going camping or backpacking across Europe and staying at hostels, she changes the topic.  While outdoor enthusiasts want us to think that camping and backpacking are healthy activities, any horror movie survivor knows that those are rumors started by serial killers looking to separate potential victims from the herd.

And why do you want to take her camping or to a hostel anyway?  Are you some sort of psycho killer???

She still has blood stains on her skin and/or clothing.  If she can’t even take the time to look presentable for you, why would you want to date her?

A romantic table for two isn’t an option because your date requires a third chair on which to put her bag of weapons.  If she is armed like a New Yorker riding the subway after dark in the 1970s, or if her weapons stash is larger than that of some former Soviet republics, you’re probably safer than you’ve ever been in your entire life. However, your date is going to be perpetually scanning the room for potential threats and won’t be giving you her full attention.  You deserve better than that!

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with dating a horror movie survivor, Modern Philosophers.  I just want you to be able to properly identify your date as such so you can decide if this is what you are looking for in a relationship.

I hope these tips come in handy.  Good luck out there!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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7 Responses to How To Tell If Your Date Is A Horror Movie Survivor

  1. I actually think there might be a marked advantage to dating a horror movie survivor. Her heightened sense of awareness and previous experience with serial killers mean you’ll be safer around her than anywhere else. Unless you have incompatible fashion senses, of course.

  2. Bun Karyudo says:

    Yes, it’s your last point that I think is the real giveaway. I mean, anybody who’d put down a great big bag on the chair like that, filled to the brim with baseball bats, meat cleavers and chainsaws — well, they’re obviously unsuitable dating material. A good date would put all those weapons tidily under the table to avoid inconveniencing the waiting staff.

  3. kriskkaria says:

    Thanks for more dating tips. I narrated this for my podcast,, just like your previous tips. I believe I caught all of them but if I didn’t let me know.

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