After Dinner Mints: That God Awful Gurgle

After Dinner Mints: That God Awful GurgleThe day got off to such a promising start, Modern Philosophers.

I was up bright and early to get in a run before work.  It was an overcast morning, which was excellent weather for leaving little pools of sweat along my running route.

I hadn’t run at all last week, so I was happy to get in my three miles without needing to call for paramedics.

Since I was up early, I had time to stop at the store for a breakfast sandwich and some chocolate milk, and then I headed into the office to put in a little overtime.

As often happens once I arrive at my place of employment, the day went downhill from there.  It was nothing major, mind you, just a series of unfortunate events that when strung together, would lead me to classify today as challenging.

Was it annoying that the work day began with my supervisor asking me why I’d left work early yesterday without permission?  Of course it was, seeing as how I’d made arrangements two months ago to leave a half hour early every Monday for a standing doctor’s appointment.

The fact that I even had to deal with such an issue got the employment portion of my day off on the wrong foot, and that’s a major development given how large my feet are.

I also spent a chunk of time trying to help another office figure out how to use our secure email system.  I’m no computer expert, but I do know they are supposed to make our lives easier.  That certainly wasn’t the case this afternoon.

The Machines might have had the last laugh today, but I still believe that mankind will triumph in the end and ward off The Robot Apocalypse.

The real turbulence that spun my day out of its flight plan hit unexpectedly at about 3:45.  I was at my desk, had just sent an email to IT about the secure email issue, when a cacophony of horrific sounds emanated from my belly.

What a handsome man!The god awful gurgling sent me running for the restroom at a pace much faster than I had achieved at any point during my morning run.

Those noises were not of this Earth.  They most likely came from a deep, dark, forbidden place where no man should ever visit because there are no bathrooms.

The gurgling was loud, low, and constant.  It was also quite unnerving.

I don’t think it was caused by something I ate.  No food could be that evil.

I’m not a doctor, but I self-diagnosed regardless.  I’m fairly confident that the odd noises and pain in my stomach were the result of an ancient curse, a demonic possession, or the early stages of an impending alien birth.

I managed to make it through the work day, but the ride home was something like a game of Beat the Clock.  I’m happy to report that I won, with my prize being not having a much more embarrassing story to tell you tonight, Modern Philosophers.

I’ve taken some ibuprofen, I’m hydrating, and I’ve prescribed myself a night of couch rest and mandatory DVR emptying duty.

The gurgling returns every now and then, which I take to mean that the curse, demon, or alien baby are not going to disappear without a fight.

I just hope that whatever the hell is going on down there decides to call it a night around 10:00 so I can get some much needed rest.

Settle down, ya noisy $%^&!!!  Some of us need our beauty sleep!

Don’t be alarmed.  Just follow me on Pinterest and all will be well…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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12 Responses to After Dinner Mints: That God Awful Gurgle

  1. grannyK says:

    Well, that doesn’t sound good! I hope it isn’t a virus and it just goes away fast!

  2. Éilis Niamh says:

    I hope it clears up soon, Austin! Just don’t order the alien baby to go back to where it came from… 🙂 🙂

  3. Sheila Moss says:

    I think you need a bit more than ibuprofen — like maybe Imodium. In case of dire emergency, a teaspoon of baking soda in a glass of water might help stomach upset. Yes, it tastes awful, but that’s what you get for not keeping a few emergency meds around. Didn’t your mama teach you better than that?

  4. Sounds like you might want to start choosing possible names for what we will affectionately refer to as Little Alien Baby for now. As to your supervisor, I hate that petty stuff. When I was a manager, and taught others how to manage, my mantra was treat people like adults. We all spend much of our lives at the office. Let’s not make it any more difficult than it is. However, also knowing that when I had dozens of employees I frequently lost track of who was doing what, I always appreciated a reminder once in a while. Or I would ask people to put a note on my Outlook calendar (reminder, Austin leaving at 3:00 on Mondays). And when I did forget, I at least knew it was my bad!

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