My Adventures In Sleep Running

My Adventures in Sleep Running | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherI’m not going to point fingers at who is responsible for my going out for a run in a Zombie-like state this morning, Modern Philosophers, because I am getting a witty blog post out of the situation.

However, let’s just say that The House on the Hill now has one less intern darkening its halls because the boss had his beauty sleep interrupted.

I’m by no means a diva, but I do get cranky when I have not gotten my twelve hours of rest.

Until this morning, I had never heard of sleep running.

Now I’m not only well aware that it is a thing, but I also might have posted the best time by a sleep runner this calendar year.  I hope there’s an award that goes with that, preferably a medal, because I think it would be nice to have a little bling with me when I run.

I was so out of it this morning that the only real stretching I did was bending down to tie my shoes.  Okay, I’m lying about that.  I made one of the interns tie them.  Don’t judge me.  I was exhausted and those college kids are always hanging around, so they might as well do something to earn that college credit.

So tired was I (that I’m starting off paragraphs like Yoda apparently!) that I didn’t even bother bringing music with me.  Logging in to Pandora and putting the buds in my ears would’ve taken too much effort.

Sure, I could’ve buzzed my on call running band to join me for some live music, but my brain was too fuzzy for me to remember the phone number.

As a result, I just hit the road tight, devoid of tunes, and in a deep sleep.

I felt like a Zombie on my morning run. Probably smelled like one, too!I’m not even joking with you, Modern Philosophers.  I was so sound asleep that I had dreams about how much I hated running.  I don’t even have to see my camera crew’s footage of this morning’s exercise to know I looked exactly like a Zombie as I trudged down the street, moaning and searching for brains.

Clearly, I had no brains of my own because if I did, I would have remained in bed!

Honest to Zeus, I was ready to turn around after a quarter mile and actually negotiated with myself to keep going.  Yes, Modern Philosophers, I talked in my sleep, too.  Here’s a snippet from the official transcript:

Me: Running BLEEPS!  I want to go back to bed.

Me: Keep going and I’ll buy you a breakfast sandwich.

Me: BLEEP that!  I’d rather sleep than eat. This BLEEPING BLEEPS!

Me: If you can make it to the halfway point without stopping, I’ll let you walk home.

Me: BLEEP!  You’re BLEEPING lying, you BLEEP.

Me: I’ll throw in a Snapple.

Me Fine, but I still hate you, BLEEPhole.

Despite that amazing job of negotiating by one half of my sleepy, twisted mind, I somehow got my body to run the entire three miles.

Even harder to believe, I miraculously managed to pick up the pace, sprint up the last hill, and make it back to The House on the Hill in just under 30:00.

Just go run, you lazy BLEEP!I need to sleep run more often.

My times are better when I’m asleep.

I don’t get it, but I’m clearly faster when I’m lost in a deep slumber.  Perhaps I’ll try sleep working tomorrow.  Can’t hurt, right?

I wonder if I snored…

Do you like what you see here?  Wish you could check out more of my twisted running posts?  Follow me on Pinterest, dude.  I’ve got a board for that! 

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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8 Responses to My Adventures In Sleep Running

  1. grannyK says:

    haha! Love that conversation!

  2. susielindau says:

    I would wake up exhausted! If only I could write in my sleep….

  3. stuckinscared says:

    lol These days I feel like I do everything in my sleep… if my body was still able to run, it’s be running in it’s sleep. 😉

  4. In my dreams is pretty much the only way I could run…

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