Incredibly Horrible Dating Tips

Incredibly Horrible Dating Tips | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherHappy Memorial Day Weekend, Modern Philosophers!

As you know, Memorial Day is the unofficial start of Summer, which means it is also the unofficial start of the Summer Dating Season.

I really enjoying writing Dating Tips posts because the Hopeless Romantic in me wants you all to find true love.  However, I think I have been a little remiss in steering you away from the horrible dating advice that so called “experts” are dishing out to anyone who will listen.

Remember, a person is not a Dating Tips Expert unless he dispenses advice in a toga.

You’ve all come to the right place, so pull up a chair, get out a notebook or hire a stenographer, and let’s spend a little time getting real.

Here is some incredibly horrible dating advice that I want you to ignore at all costs.  In fact, if someone tries to give you any of the tips on this list, my advice would be to punch that person really hard in the face and then advise him to read my blog!

Incredibly Horrible Dating Tips | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherDo absolutely nothing.  Let love find you.  Ugh!  I literally cringe to the point of convulsing when I hear anyone say that.

Do they think that love is a heat seeking missile with its coordinates set on your heart?  Give me a break!

Everyone knows love is blind.  I wouldn’t put much faith in it finding you when it cannot see you.

Look, I followed this advice for far too long because it is pretty much the simplest strategy to adopt when you suck at dating.  There is absolutely nothing to be gained by pining over someone and never telling her how you feel.

And it’s just stupid to think anything good will ever happen if you don’t put in the hard work to earn it.  The Nuns, who ironically cannot date, taught me that way back in grammar school.  Love likes to see you sweat.  Even then, not all great effort is rewarded.

If you insist on sitting around and doing nothing, my money is on death finding you long before love ever does.

Incredibly Horrible Dating Tips | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherOnly chase after someone who is already in a relationship.  I think you’d have to be either a complete idiot, or totally desperate to fall for this line of malarkey.

The logic behind this gem is that if someone who is already in a relationship is willing to cheat on that person to be with you, then she must be really into you.

Sure, maybe that’s true.  Or maybe she’s really into playing games.  If she’s cheating on her boyfriend with you, I wonder who she is sleeping with when you’re not around, genius.

This is advice you give to someone that you’d like to see have the crap beat out of him by a jealous boyfriend.  So, never forget who gave it to you, and after you get out of the hospital, make sure you give the source of these words of wisdom a piece of your mind.

You might also want to ask that person to kick in for your medical bills.

Incredibly Horrible Dating Tips | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherAllow people who don’t really know you to set you up on blind dates.  The set up is nothing more than a set up, you stupid, overly trusting rube.

When someone is eager to set you up on a date what they are really doing is trying to stick you with an annoying third wheel of a friend, so that they don’t have to deal with her anymore.

Essentially, the set up is a more exciting version of hot potato because you think sex might be involved.  But there won’t be.  Because set ups never work.

I know you’re open to being set up because you’ve either run out of potential dates, or you’re super lazy, but still not stupid enough to simply let love find you.

The thing is, there’s only an extremely small subset of the people in your life who actually understand who would be right for you.  Barb in Accounting has no clue what you’re looking for in bed.  Your next door neighbor’s coworker doesn’t even know your name, so how does he know your heart?

A set up will only leave you upset.  (See what I did there?  Witty word play rocks!)

Incredibly Horrible Dating Tips | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherDate your friends’ exes.  You would need to be a thrill seeker, a glutton for punishment, a horrible friend, or just plain stupid to even consider this one.

You never date a friend’s ex.  No exceptions.  Nothing good ever comes from it.

When you break up with her, you lose both her and your friend.  And for what?  The chance to experience the living hell of finding out why your buddy broke up with her in the first place?

Again, I get the logic behind this.  You know what your friend did wrong in the relationship, so you can impress the ex by showing her you would never be so stupid to make the same mistakes.

Additionally, when your friend boasted about his recent conquest, he told you what she likes, what she hates, and what it takes to get her into bed.  So now you don’t have to do all that background research.  It might be a real time saver for you, but this only means that she is going to expect more of you much sooner than usual.  The whole relationship time table is moved up drastically, and she’s going to expect you to propose in like a month.

You’re screwed, dude, and guess what?  You did this to yourself by making a decision while all the blood was somewhere other than in your brain!

Incredibly Horrible Dating Tips | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherAsk out everyone.  I knew a guy in high school who went this route.  I felt sorry for him at first, but then it simply got pathetic.

Sure, the law of averages states that if you increase the number of participants in the experiment, it increases the chance that one of them will be your true love.

Then again, you’re also increasing your chances of getting rejected, having your self confidence crushed, and becoming the laughingstock of your peer group.

What woman wants to go out with the guy who asks out anyone who gets within earshot?  Your date wants to feel special.  She wants to know that you made an effort.  She’s going to force you to tell her, in elaborate detail, why you chose her, when you first knew you had the hots for her, and why it took you so long to make your move.

The last thing she wants to hear, Romeo, is that you asked her out because she came into your line of sight.  That’s not a “How We Met” story you’ll want to tell the grandchildren.

I only want what’s best for you, Modern Philosophers.  Dating can be a horrible experience, but you don’t need to make it worse by following asinine advice.

I’m the Modern Philosopher, and I approve this message!

Want some more good advice?  Follow me on Pinterest.  You’ll love it!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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32 Responses to Incredibly Horrible Dating Tips

  1. stomperdad says:

    LOL Thanks for the dating advice. Does this apply to my marriage? Perhaps we need some incredibly horrible marriage tips next?

  2. floridaborne says:

    I had to laugh at “Do absolutely nothing. Let love find you.” That describes marriages number 2 and 5. The successful ones. Had my 2nd husband not died, we’d probably still be together.

    Think of a failed marriage as a dress rehearsal. You now know what doesn’t work and what you have to do to make a marriage work the 2nd time around.

    Incredibly horrible marriage tips: Learned from #3 and #4. Don’t expect the next guy to compete with Saint Spouse…the husband or wife that died. That kills a marriage quicker than anything.

  3. The only one of these I have ever actually heard is the first one and I agree with your reply. The others I think you just made up for the sake of the post, a legitimate reason. To gain my utterly wonderful husband I violated that hoary bit of advice always given us females, never chase.

  4. Ha! Love the look on the guys face dating your friend’s exes… too funny. My friend who’s single is always telling me the most hilariously awful stories of people she’s gone on dates with through dating websites. The Frenchman who turned out to be a chainsmoker, etc. I always love her stories. Best regards from Sydney. (-8

  5. Well, you know, I Have a friend who in fear of being alone has stuck with a man she likes but doesn’t love in that special way. She is just afraid. I guess I’d rather someone did something rather than doom themselves in this way. Maybe doom is too strong, but…

  6. nadiaelde says:

    I am constantly being given the first piece of advice. We’re always being told to chase after our dreams and never give up, but for some reason when it comes to relationships that advice goes out the window. Romanticism 1, Logic 0.

  7. Joseph Nebus says:

    Personally, I think the best advice is to just have the sort of date that’s a perfect experience, one that starts with casual play and keeps growing, getting longer and more enjoyable, and that ends in a light, warm rain at an all-night diner with both of you smiling that a song you each liked to start with is on the radio and now it’s just the close of a perfect day. Really, doing anything else seems like a waste of time.

  8. Lutheranliar says:

    Wow! Wish I’d read this when I was still dating. BTW, I met The Dude on a blind date. Fun fact: he’s an eye doctor (!)

    • Austin says:

      Well, I’m sorry this wasn’t around to help you back then, but I’m trying to help as many people in the dating pool now as I can. 🙂

  9. revengestar says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA this was super funny. Will follow!

  10. Pingback: Meet & Greet Dinner Party! | A Texan's View of Upstate New York

  11. kriskkaria says:

    Its part of my podcast, its great to narrate a series, Thanks!

  12. Edi says:

    Omg this was absolutely hilarious – this has to be literally the worst advice anyone could ever give. #2 was especially bad. Are these people real? It’s like they got all their ‘life experience’ from watching bad rom-coms with perfect ‘happy endings’… It would be depressing if it weren’t so hilarious

  13. I had to tweet these hilarious tips! i can relate, having been single in my 50s… all so true!

  14. Michele says:

    Great round up- it is easy to spot these bad fix ups from the wisdom of experience and someone who has been married over 30 years! I admit to having done most of these once upon a time!

  15. Been feeling like total crap lately, but got a great laugh out of this. Especially the first one about the heat seeking missile. I swear if one more person tells me that, I’m going to scream! Can you do me a favor? Read my last three posts and give me your take on things? I feel like you might be the best person for that. Thanks!

  16. O! the things we do for loves sweet sorrow

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