As you know, Memorial Day is the unofficial start of Summer, which means it is also the unofficial start of the Summer Dating Season.
I really enjoying writing Dating Tips posts because the Hopeless Romantic in me wants you all to find true love. However, I think I have been a little remiss in steering you away from the horrible dating advice that so called “experts” are dishing out to anyone who will listen.
Remember, a person is not a Dating Tips Expert unless he dispenses advice in a toga.
You’ve all come to the right place, so pull up a chair, get out a notebook or hire a stenographer, and let’s spend a little time getting real.
Here is some incredibly horrible dating advice that I want you to ignore at all costs. In fact, if someone tries to give you any of the tips on this list, my advice would be to punch that person really hard in the face and then advise him to read my blog!
Do they think that love is a heat seeking missile with its coordinates set on your heart? Give me a break!
Everyone knows love is blind. I wouldn’t put much faith in it finding you when it cannot see you.
Look, I followed this advice for far too long because it is pretty much the simplest strategy to adopt when you suck at dating. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by pining over someone and never telling her how you feel.
And it’s just stupid to think anything good will ever happen if you don’t put in the hard work to earn it. The Nuns, who ironically cannot date, taught me that way back in grammar school. Love likes to see you sweat. Even then, not all great effort is rewarded.
If you insist on sitting around and doing nothing, my money is on death finding you long before love ever does.
The logic behind this gem is that if someone who is already in a relationship is willing to cheat on that person to be with you, then she must be really into you.
Sure, maybe that’s true. Or maybe she’s really into playing games. If she’s cheating on her boyfriend with you, I wonder who she is sleeping with when you’re not around, genius.
This is advice you give to someone that you’d like to see have the crap beat out of him by a jealous boyfriend. So, never forget who gave it to you, and after you get out of the hospital, make sure you give the source of these words of wisdom a piece of your mind.
You might also want to ask that person to kick in for your medical bills.
When someone is eager to set you up on a date what they are really doing is trying to stick you with an annoying third wheel of a friend, so that they don’t have to deal with her anymore.
Essentially, the set up is a more exciting version of hot potato because you think sex might be involved. But there won’t be. Because set ups never work.
I know you’re open to being set up because you’ve either run out of potential dates, or you’re super lazy, but still not stupid enough to simply let love find you.
The thing is, there’s only an extremely small subset of the people in your life who actually understand who would be right for you. Barb in Accounting has no clue what you’re looking for in bed. Your next door neighbor’s coworker doesn’t even know your name, so how does he know your heart?
A set up will only leave you upset. (See what I did there? Witty word play rocks!)
You never date a friend’s ex. No exceptions. Nothing good ever comes from it.
When you break up with her, you lose both her and your friend. And for what? The chance to experience the living hell of finding out why your buddy broke up with her in the first place?
Again, I get the logic behind this. You know what your friend did wrong in the relationship, so you can impress the ex by showing her you would never be so stupid to make the same mistakes.
Additionally, when your friend boasted about his recent conquest, he told you what she likes, what she hates, and what it takes to get her into bed. So now you don’t have to do all that background research. It might be a real time saver for you, but this only means that she is going to expect more of you much sooner than usual. The whole relationship time table is moved up drastically, and she’s going to expect you to propose in like a month.
You’re screwed, dude, and guess what? You did this to yourself by making a decision while all the blood was somewhere other than in your brain!
Sure, the law of averages states that if you increase the number of participants in the experiment, it increases the chance that one of them will be your true love.
Then again, you’re also increasing your chances of getting rejected, having your self confidence crushed, and becoming the laughingstock of your peer group.
What woman wants to go out with the guy who asks out anyone who gets within earshot? Your date wants to feel special. She wants to know that you made an effort. She’s going to force you to tell her, in elaborate detail, why you chose her, when you first knew you had the hots for her, and why it took you so long to make your move.
The last thing she wants to hear, Romeo, is that you asked her out because she came into your line of sight. That’s not a “How We Met” story you’ll want to tell the grandchildren.
I only want what’s best for you, Modern Philosophers. Dating can be a horrible experience, but you don’t need to make it worse by following asinine advice.
I’m the Modern Philosopher, and I approve this message!
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