Father’s Day Can Be Hell

Father's Day Can Be Hell | The Return of the Modern Philsopher“Since I know Father’s Day can be difficult for you, I promise not to be as much of a…challenge,” The Devil finally found the word he was looking for as he stood in the entrance to the living room.

“Challenge is definitely an intriguing choice of words,” I commented with a chuckle from the couch.

“Well, I’m not a master of the language like you, but I believe that it is the best way to describe how I can be on that rare occasion that I’m not charming as Hell!” Lucifer shot back with a wink as he strode into the room.

His impeccably tailored suit looked even more expensive than usual.  Business in Hell must be really booming these days.

“Thank you for being aware of my feelings,” I told him sincerely.  “It really is a day of mixed emotions for me.”

“Because I am aware of that, I’ve taken further measures to make today pleasing for you,” The Prince of Darkness announced.

He snapped his fingers and two of the ugliest Demons ever to haunt this planet appeared in the middle of my living room.

One held an enormous tray of my guest’s world famous Hellfire Wings, and the other carried a case of Snapple in either arm.  They deposited the gifts on the living room table and then melted into a foul smelling green blob that vanished just when I thought it was going to eat through my hardwood floor.

Father's Day Can Be Hell“But wait…” Satan cautioned with the over the top excitement of a game show host, “…there’s more!”

He snapped his fingers at the television and it came to life with the Yankees game, which was not scheduled to be televised in Maine today.

“You’re definitely making this Father’s Day a Hell of a lot better than usual,” I admitted as I grabbed for a wing like I hadn’t had solid food in a week.

The Devil flashed a handsome smile and came around to take his usual spot on the couch.

“Do you want to talk about your Dad?” he asked politely as he handed me a Snapple and then took one for himself.

I wiped an excessive amount of Hellfire sauce off my mouth and reached for more wings.  “Not really,” I answered with a shrug.  “I just miss him, and I wish he were around to meet [REACTED FOR PRIVACY] now that things are progressing to a point where we’re talking about fatherhood and mini versions of me scampering around The House on the Hill.”

“I know it’s probably not much consolation, but they will have their Uncle Lucifer around to look after them and spoil them with presents,” Uncle Lucifer pointed out in a manner that was both sweet and disturbing.

“It’s good to know that you want my children to be raised with a heavy Satanic influence,” I quipped and then devoured another chicken wing.

“Well, that’s just to balance out the super sweet Irish upbringing I assume they’ll be getting from your better half.  I hope you’re praying to my former employer that they have her looks as well,” The Prince of Darkness commented with a Devilish grin.

Happy Father's Day!“You’re lucky you brought wings, Snapple, and the Yankees because there is no way I can throw you out of my house after you’ve been that generous,” I said with a sigh.

“Father’s Day doesn’t have to be depressing, my friend,” Satan informed me with a smile.  “Some day soon, this day is going to have a whole new meaning for you.  You might even find yourself longing for the quieter times of Father’s Days past.”

I knew that he was trying to make me laugh, but I already knew that once I was on the receiving end of Father’s Day love, I’d never want to go back to the way it used to be.

Happy Father’s Day.  I love you, Dad!

If you’d like to read the heartfelt letter I wrote to my Dad for Father’s Day, please check out my column on The Good Men Project.  Here’s the link:  http://goodmenproject.com/fathers-day/a-letter-to-my-hero-and-namesake-on-fathers-day-hodgens-jrmk/

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Father’s Day Can Be Hell

  1. livingincyn says:

    Sweet. Your devil has a heart–and clearly a taste for some good grub! Can you get me the recipe for those Hellfire wings? 🙂

  2. The Cutter says:

    With small children, Father’s Day is kind like most other Sundays, but you get a card.

  3. A says:

    Firstly, I love your ‘Devil’ posts! Secondly, your article on The Good Men Project is really wonderful!!

    • Austin says:

      Thank you, A. The Devil stories run every Sunday, and my Good Men Project column is new every Friday! I hope you will continue to show them some love. 🙂

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