How To Date On A Budget

How To Date on a Budget | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherSummer is here, Modern Philosophers, which means that Dating Season is now in full swing.

As always, I am here with an abundance of extremely helpful tips to assist you as you navigate the uncertain world of dating.

This batch of Dating Tips is aimed specifically at our friends in England, who are currently dealing with their country’s decision to exit the European Union.  Hard economic times are probably ahead, and they might even end up coming to America to lead happier, more prosperous lives.

This means our Brexit inflicted friends could end up joining our nation’s already crowded and confusing dating pool, and if they do, they will most likely be on a tight budget.  With that in mind, here are some great ideas for How To Date On A Budget

Take her on a picnic | How to Date on a BudgetTake her on a picnic.  While your date would probably prefer that you take her to a fancy restaurant to wine and dine her, you can still provide food and drink at only a fraction of the cost.

In addition, you can take advantage of the gorgeous Summer weather, which is something you should remind her about should she balk at your idea.  And what’s more romantic than sitting on a blanket and basking in the sun’s warm glow as you get to know each other better?

Bologna is currently on sale for $1.99 a pound.  Slap a few slices on wheat bread (super healthy!), be generous with the mustard, and if you really like her, splurge for some cheese (the store brand, though, to avoid going over budget).  A two liter bottle of soda and a bag of generic chips (or crisps as the Brexit crowd might call them) will round out the menu.

Since you’re preparing the food, you don’t have to worry about your companion ordering the most expensive item on the menu and then never calling you for a second date.

And if things go well, you’ve already got the blanket…

Free movie or concert in the park. Most cities offer free outdoor activities during the Summer months to ensure that the pasty populace goes outside to get some color.  In Bangor, there is a free movie in the park every Friday night.  I can also sit on my porch and listen to all the concerts down on the waterfront.  Find that free event, pack a few snacks (maybe picnic leftovers?), and chat up your date about how lucky you are to live in a place that offers such wonderful entertainment for its citizens.

Go for a run | How to Date on a BudgetGo for a run.  This idea is not only free, but it’s also healthy.  Plus, you can kill several relationship birds with that one proverbial (and free!) stone.

By suggesting that you go for a run, you’re telling her that you are into fitness and confident in your health.  If she accepts the offer, you know she is like minded about health and fitness.  Plus, you get to see your date in tight, skimpy running clothes.  If you complete your run in a decent time, you get to establish how virile you are.  If she beats you, it tells you she is competitive and in great shape.

When it’s done, you can jokingly invite her to go back to your place to shower.  If she says yes (to another free activity!) then you know the date is going very well.

Hit the beach.  It’s Summer, it’s hot, and the beach is free.  Added benefit, you get to see how your date looks in a bathing suit.  You can also tell a lot about her and her feelings for you based on the type of swimsuit she wears.

If it’s a skimpy bikini that shows off a rocking body, then you probably don’t need anymore dating tips from me…

Go camping | How to Date on a BudgetGo camping.  This is a complicated one, but if you can pull it off, then you might be on your way to a great relationship.  Going camping is like living together only outdoors and without a toilet or all the distractions that electricity allows.

It can also be a great way to get to know someone, see if you’re compatible, and really have a romantic time.  Of course, there are some dangers lurking out there in the woods, so be careful.  Definitely avoid Camp Crystal Lake at all costs!

Make her pay or at least go dutch.  It’s the twenty-first century, we are all equals, and it’s a little medieval to just assume that the man is going to foot the bill on the first date.  I’m not saying you have to force the bill on her when it comes, but you can see if she reaches for it.  Or if she politely offers to pitch in, totally assuming that you will be a gentleman and emphatically reject the idea, take her up on her offer.

The first date sets the tone for the entire relationship.  If you establish from the get go that you’re paying for everything, you could be setting a dangerous precedent and heading down the path to bankruptcy (which shouldn’t happen until you start having kids!).

Dine and dash.  If she insists on the fancy restaurant instead of the picnic, you can accommodate her request.  Just go someplace where no one knows you, don’t use your real name, and run like hell before you pay (hopefully, you’ve taken my advice and gone on a few runs as dates, so you’ll have both the speed and the stamina to pull off this one).

Rob a bank | How to Date on a BudgetRob a bank.  Everyone loves an awesome “How We Met” story to tell friends and the kids.  What would be more awesome than the tale of how you held up a bank on your first date?

If you pull off the job without getting arrested or killed, it proves that you make a great team.  She’s a keeper!

Robbing a bank would also finance future dates, so you wouldn’t have to limit yourself to the outstanding ideas suggested in this blog post.

Just thought of something, though.  While this would make the greatest “How We Met” story ever, you really can’t tell it to anyone because that would be an admission of guilt and lead to the FBI pounding on your door.

But you and your date would still have the memory, which is really all that matters, and I bet you’d relive the thrill of the moment every time you guys walked hand in hand past a bank on your way to another night out together.

Well, I could go on with the dating tips, but my girlfriend is waiting, and I still have to make the bologna sandwiches for out date.  Hopefully, what I’ve shared with you in this post is enough to give you the confidence to get out there and try to find the love of your life without breaking your budget.

If you have any questions, ask away in the comments section and one of the interns will get back to you ASAP.  Happy dating!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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21 Responses to How To Date On A Budget

  1. One of the INTERNS will answer my question? Has a lousy intern been answering my comments all this time? No offense, little intern, but color me disillusioned! The shock and disappointment has driven my intriguing question right out of my head. I need to go lie down.

    • Austin says:

      Well, if you read the post closely, you would realize I’m on my way out to a bologna sandwich picnic with my lady friend. Hence, I’ve left the interns in charge of replying to the comments…

      • Well, Mr. Intern Pretending to be Austin, I would be willing to wait till after said picnic for my reply.

      • Austin says:

        That was me replying. The intern interrupted my date thinking this was a crisis that needed my immediate attention. Now my bologna has gotten warm. I hope you’re happy!

  2. Sheila Moss says:

    This kind of date might be okay part of the time, but if a guy insists on it all the time, he is either broke or cheap, both of which are to be avoided. I do agree that a woman should pick up the bill part of the time, though. Otherwise, she is either cheap or a gold digger and the same applies.

  3. Joseph Nebus says:

    Oh, banks are over-robbed. Do something that shows a little class and rob a museum. One of those with your classic pictures, by which I mean dusty oil paintings in dark wood frames. Not so much modern stuff. That’s for a second or third caper.

    • Austin says:

      You rob a bank, you get the cash immediately. You rob a museum, you then have to work through a fence or a third party before you get the money. Too complicated and that would make for an extra date…

      • Joseph Nebus says:

        But the point of a date isn’t money, it’s making a bond with another person. And there’s few bonds quite like knowing something about Velasquez’s Pelican with Bucket and Donkeys that the art world would kill to find out!

  4. ellenbest24 says:

    I personally would rather be vegetarian than eat *heave* Bologna I believe we call it spam! But all is not lost, I think picnicing is a wonderful British past-time already, but we lack much sun and the bread gets soggy in the rain. We could have a packed lunch at a bus stop, for a second date. Where we could people watch and guess their stories, it is a great way to grow conversationally without use of too much energy and would give me something new for my book. Win win I say. Just that I’m not single and hope never to be again, as loneliness is preferable to bologna sandwich.

  5. You forgot hunting. While you have missed the season for wild turkey (and there seem to be some very complex calculations for when that is in Maine, based on you and your dates respective even or odd numbered birthdays), there is no closed season – I repeat, no closed season – for coyote, woodchuck, porcupine, or red squirrel. Knowing whether your date can handle a bow and arrow, crossbow or shotgun can come in very handy, and of course, if she can shoot it, she can skin, gut, and cook it too! That way you save on bologna.

  6. kriskkaria says:

    Narrated this as part of my podcast this week, Thanks for the great tips!

  7. That is one of the funniest posts that I have ever read. Love the humor!

    Side question: I saw that you said at the top that this post was directed towards English folks due to the recent Brexit. Are you from England? If so, are you all seeing any sort of economic fallout from the decision, or is it still all pretty tamed on the financial side of the house? Thanks!

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