Bloody Hell, Ireland!

Bloody Hell, Ireland!“I truly can’t believe what I witnessed here today,” The Devil said in a flabbergasted tone as he anxiously paced across the living room.  “If I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes, I’d refuse to accept that it had happened.”

His pace quickened as his long legs carried him effortlessly across the hardwood floor.  The way he glided in his impeccably tailored suit made him look like a model walking the runway.

“Look, you weren’t supposed to be here that early,” I desperately pleaded in my defense.  “You never should have seen…”

“Is that your excuse for such unacceptable behavior?” Lucifer demanded in a voice that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

“No, I’m just saying…”

He held up a hand to indicate that I should stop speaking.  Immediately.

“It’s Sunday for goodness sake!” The Prince of Darkness bellowed.  “What would the Nuns think if they saw what you were doing here on my ex-boss’ day?  You were an altar boy!”

I threw up my arms in surrender.  What could I say?  He’d caught me red handed.  I wasn’t proud of myself, but I couldn’t undo what had already been done.

Bloody Hell, Ireland! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“And what if that sweet girlfriend of yours had been the one to walk in on you?” Satan pressed on as if he were  playing up the charges for an unseen jury.  “Oh wait…she would have loved it.  She would have been totally into it, wouldn’t she?”

Truth be told, he was right.  What I’d been doing would’ve put a huge smile on her face.  And she definitely would have wanted to join me.  Right here on the couch.

I grabbed a Snapple out of the cooler, and chugged half the bottle before even attempting to reply.

“I did it for her,” I admitted.  “I knew she’d be thrilled.”

The Devil crossed his arms and shook his head in disappointment.  “I’ve seen a lot of depraved behavior in my day, but I never expected anything like this out of you.”

I hung my head.  I wasn’t exactly proud of what I’d done and had planned for it to remain my deep, dark secret, but that plan had gone straight to Hell when Lucifer had walked through the door right in the middle of it.

“Look, you’ve made your point,” I sighed in defeat.  “If it makes any difference, I don’t plan on doing it again anytime soon.”

The Prince of Darkness just looked down at me, all judgmental, and I couldn’t help but think that he wouldn’t even be interested in my soul at this point.

Could I get any lower than this?

“So did you get the happy ending you wanted?”  Satan asked like he was beyond repulsed.

“Actually, I didn’t,” I had to admit.  “After all that excitement right out of the box, it just slowly faded out, and ended on a down note.”

Ireland loses to France“Let that be a lesson to you then,” he scolded me one last time as he walked over to his end of the couch.  “If you watch soccer, you’re going to be disappointed.  The least Ireland could have done was won, though, and made it worth your while.”

He was right.  I found soccer to be incredibly boring, but I had watched Ireland’s Euro 2016 match against France this morning because someone very important to me was a fan of the team from the Emerald Isle.

Ireland lost to France, though, and that was ninety minutes of my life I’d never get back.

The things we do for love…

If you want some real excitement in your life, turn off the soccer match and follow me on Pinterest!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Love, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Bloody Hell, Ireland!

  1. …the irony of it all… sucks, dude… 😦

    (off to watch football!)

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