At first I blamed work. It has a tendency to melt my brain, and as that organ slowly liquefies, I generally develop a nagging headache.
Then I thought it was caused by the air in the office. It was incredibly humid and uncomfortably warm inside the building, so it made sense that such a strange indoor weather pattern might lead to a high pressure system in my skull.
It wasn’t until I went outside at 3:45 to make a very important phone call that I realized why my head was pounding.
My latent Jedi powers had come to life, and I was sensing a disturbance in The Force.
Since I’ve received no formal Jedi training, and was abandoned on this planet for my own safety a few decades ago, my powers tend to come and go as they please. However, when there is a great evil in the general vicinity, they kick in wicked fast and I go full Obi-Wan, if only for a few awesome minutes.
A mighty Imperial Star Destroyer blotted out the afternoon sun, and I remembered what day it was.
Donald Trump was in Bangor today for a rally.
I hadn’t been experiencing a daylong headache, Modern Philosophers. I was sensing a disturbance in The Force!
Future Supreme Leader Trump was nearby, not more than a couple of miles from where I stood. He was within an AT-AT ride of The House on the Hill, and there I was standing in the parking lot at work with my thumb up my Jedi robe.
When I tried to explain the urgency of the situation to my significant other, she laughed at the extreme geek quotient of my comment, and then conveniently cited her glaring flaw of having never seen a Star Wars film to get out of the conversation.
Now that I was aware of the potential danger that lurked just down the highway, I could not get the Imperial March out of my head. I hummed it continuously as I fought the urge to race downtown and defend the honor of the noble Jedi against the most horrific power in the galaxy.
Future Supreme Leader Trump. Take off his awful hairpiece, put him in an billowy hooded robe, and he looks a hell of a lot like Supreme Leader Snoke. The similarity chills me to the very depths of my soul.
I searched my feelings and came to the conclusion that Donald Trump cannot be allowed to rise to power.
Since I haven’t had any formal Jedi training aside from wiffle ball bat lightsaber duels during my childhood, I don’t think I alone can stop him from making America great again, which is clearly code for making his secret battle station operational.
However, if we all work together and form a Rebellion of sorts, we can prevent Darth Orange from becoming Supreme Leader Trump.
Members of the Imperial Guard marched through downtown Bangor today like they owned the place.
I truly believed that Bernie Sanders, this republic’s Angry Obi-Wan, was our only hope. Now that he has been banished to Hoth, we must find another way.
I sensed a great disturbance in The Force today, Modern Philosophers. Even though Trump has boarded his Star Destroyer and left Maine to contaminate other peaceful worlds with his hate and fear mongering, his evil still lingers.
How do we stop this Dark Lord of the Sickening Sound Bites? Who will be our new hope? If Trump breaks out an army of Trump Clones, we’re all doomed!
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, you should have followed me on Pinterest…