How Come I’m Not With Hillary?

How Come I'm Not With Hillary?As the Democratic and Republican National Conventions approach, Modern Philosophers, I must confess that I’ve followed this Presidential election much more closely than any previous race for the White House.

Usually, I just wait for the field to be narrowed down to the two lucky finalists, and then mark my ballot based on sound bites burned into my brain from four months of non-stop campaign ads, insights culled from late night monologue jokes, and unsolicited input from overly opinionated friends on social media.

I chose to shake things up, though, and be a responsible and informed voter in 2016, but the reason for this isn’t as noble as you might think.  You see, this is the first time I’ve been a writer for a late night talk show (shout out to The Nite Show with Danny Cashman!) during a Presidential election, and I elected to keep up with the candidates so that I could write better jokes about them.

After all, since I have previously cast my vote based on jokes that David Letterman, Jay Leno, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert made about the candidates, I now have a patriotic duty to use my words and sense of humor to sway the vote of The Nite Show’s audience.

It’s the Circle of Political Humor, Modern Philosophers.

The best ensemble cast working today?I’m thrilled that I picked such a great year to immerse myself in the Presidential process, as both parties have put on quite a show.  Can you think of a program currently on TV with a better ensemble cast than Trump, Clinton, Sanders, Carson, Cruz, Rubio, Bush, Kasich, Christie, The Professor, and Mary Ann?

The candidates have provided more than enough material to fill Danny’s monologue until something even more hilarious eventually comes along, and I’m certain that whoever wins on Election Day with continue to serve as my comedic muse over the next four years.

I recently wrote about my confusion over whom to vote for now that Bernie Sanders has not made the top one percent of the 2016 Presidential contenders.  Forever the underdog, constantly shouting about the need for a revolution, and always reminding me of a shaggy, angry Obi-Wan Kenobi, Bernie has long been my choice to be the next occupant of the Oval Office.

There’s no way in the world I’d ever vote for Trump.  That needs no explanation.

I’m also not a fan of Hillary Clinton, Modern Philosophers, and I haven’t quite been able to put my finger on why.  One of you even called me out on that fact, and it’s been gnawing at me ever since.

How Come I'm Not With Hillary?I’ve searched my Deep Thoughts, and I’m still wondering why I’ve made up my mind that I’m not with her.

The first reason that pops into my head is utterly ridiculous, and probably not even worth mentioning.

Then again, this is politics so logic and reason have no place in the conversation.

Clinton reminds me of an evil stepmother.  Having grown up under the iron first of such a woman after my mother’s death, the mere association is enough to send me running far from the lever that bears the former Secretary of State’s name.

Like I said, it’s illogical, but I just can’t shake it.

The next thing that bothers me about the Democratic front runner is this whole email scandal.  I don’t completely understand why this is such a big deal, but it is an obvious blemish on Clinton’s permanent record and raises a red flag for me.

I also find it troubling that some people think what Secretary Clinton did was a criminal offense, and yet nothing has been done about it.  She continues campaigning, no one seems in a rush to arrest her or even charge her with a crime, and that just causes my Spidey senses to tingle.

Get out of jail free...Hillary Clinton should not make me tingle!

The Monopoly lover in me can’t help but think that she has been given a Get Out of Jail Free card, and I wonder if whoever has issued this pass expects to cash it in once President Clinton takes office.

Which leads me to the Super Delegates.

The Super Delegates fiasco reminds me of the asterisks next to Roger Maris’ pre-steroid era single season home run record.  Whenever the media lists Clinton’s delegate count, there’s always two numbers.

That’s because of the Super Delegates, the mystery voters with superpowers who have kept Secretary Clinton far ahead of Senator Sanders in the Democratic standings.

My Deep Thoughts on this is that the Super Delegates were created by the evil overlords of the Democratic National Committee to ensure that their “chosen one” ends up on the ballot on Election Day.

In other words, Modern Philosophers, the fix is in.

Maybe this is pigheaded Bernie bias on my part, and I’ve got my toga all up in a bunch over nothing, but it just feels like the primary process was nothing more than a charade because the outcome had been determined long before things even kicked off in Iowa.

Clinton was always going to be the nominee.

Sanders was the amusing sidekick who made the Democrats seem far more lovable than those out of control Republican lunatics.

I'm not with her, dude.I don’t like people who act like they are entitled, and I’m certainly not going to vote for one of them.

While all these reasons for not being with Hillary make sense on different levels, there is actually one more explanation that probably sums up my Deep Thoughts best.

I’m a rabid sports fan, which means I not only love my teams, but I also despise their rivals.  If the Yankees were to lose in the playoffs, it would be physically impossible for me to root for the team that beat them to win the World Series.

If anything, I would probably try to conjure up some powerful black magic to ensure that the hated opponent suffered a crushing and humiliating defeat.

Clinton beat my favorite candidate, and now I’m incapable of supporting her in the World Series of Voting.

There’s no blatant conflict of political philosophy, no veiled sexism, and no overwhelming repulsion at her apparent assumption that the nomination is her birthright.

I just can’t root for her because she beat Bernie.  If I can’t Feel the Bern, then I’m not going to be with her.

Sure it’s spiteful, immature, and a little stupid, but we are talking about politics here…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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13 Responses to How Come I’m Not With Hillary?

  1. amommasview says:

    Pretty painful… no real good option it seems…

  2. wccunningham says:

    Since my 1st (and 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th…) choice exited some time ago, I’m left with an odd pair to say the least. Although I usually vote republican, I’m not real excited about that this year. So what hope am I left with? HRC get’s a knock on her door from the authorities and the old guy from some state near you is somehow relevant again. I could feel the bern,

  3. Sheila Moss says:

    Well, there’s that guy, What’s-His-Name, the Libertarian, the one on Bill Maer’s show last night. Yes, I watch the evil liberal press. Furthermore, I intend to watch his election coverage.

  4. A says:

    I agree with everything you said in this post. Well, everything except that last bit referencing sports lol I was all for Bernie and I don’t trust Hilary for the same reasons you don’t trust her. I despise Trump for reasons that need no explanation, just as you said. So at the end of the day I feel like it comes down to the same ole same ole – I’ll be forced to vote for the lesser of two evils and THAT is why I truly HATE politics.

    • Austin says:

      Would you consider just writing in Bernie? I really think I will do that. It’s not like Maine is a swing state and my single vote will do anything other than voice my displeasure at my choices…

  5. BarbCT says:

    Don’t give up on Bernie yet. He can always run as the independent he is.

    I flat out dont trust Hilarity. She’ll stab us all in the back given the chance.

    While I don’t follow baseball, I have the same attitude about the Cowboys. If they don’t make the playoffs, as far as I’m concerned football season is over.

  6. Blake Standard says:

    I agree with everything you said. Also, I would not try to use any black magic against her. She would best you. A write in campaign for Bernie could work and I’ve thought about doing the same. Gary Johnson seems okay too, if I say so myself. I will be damned to fall for the “lesser of two evils/throwing my vote away” rhetoric this time!

    • Austin says:

      I think Bernie should really consider running as a third party candidate, or just push his supporters to go the write in route. You never know…

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