As the Democratic and Republican National Conventions approach, Modern Philosophers, I must confess that I’ve followed this Presidential election much more closely than any previous race for the White House.
Usually, I just wait for the field to be narrowed down to the two lucky finalists, and then mark my ballot based on sound bites burned into my brain from four months of non-stop campaign ads, insights culled from late night monologue jokes, and unsolicited input from overly opinionated friends on social media.
I chose to shake things up, though, and be a responsible and informed voter in 2016, but the reason for this isn’t as noble as you might think. You see, this is the first time I’ve been a writer for a late night talk show (shout out to The Nite Show with Danny Cashman!) during a Presidential election, and I elected to keep up with the candidates so that I could write better jokes about them.
After all, since I have previously cast my vote based on jokes that David Letterman, Jay Leno, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert made about the candidates, I now have a patriotic duty to use my words and sense of humor to sway the vote of The Nite Show’s audience.
It’s the Circle of Political Humor, Modern Philosophers.
I’m thrilled that I picked such a great year to immerse myself in the Presidential process, as both parties have put on quite a show. Can you think of a program currently on TV with a better ensemble cast than Trump, Clinton, Sanders, Carson, Cruz, Rubio, Bush, Kasich, Christie, The Professor, and Mary Ann?
The candidates have provided more than enough material to fill Danny’s monologue until something even more hilarious eventually comes along, and I’m certain that whoever wins on Election Day with continue to serve as my comedic muse over the next four years.
I recently wrote about my confusion over whom to vote for now that Bernie Sanders has not made the top one percent of the 2016 Presidential contenders. Forever the underdog, constantly shouting about the need for a revolution, and always reminding me of a shaggy, angry Obi-Wan Kenobi, Bernie has long been my choice to be the next occupant of the Oval Office.
There’s no way in the world I’d ever vote for Trump. That needs no explanation.
I’m also not a fan of Hillary Clinton, Modern Philosophers, and I haven’t quite been able to put my finger on why. One of you even called me out on that fact, and it’s been gnawing at me ever since.
The first reason that pops into my head is utterly ridiculous, and probably not even worth mentioning.
Then again, this is politics so logic and reason have no place in the conversation.
Clinton reminds me of an evil stepmother. Having grown up under the iron first of such a woman after my mother’s death, the mere association is enough to send me running far from the lever that bears the former Secretary of State’s name.
Like I said, it’s illogical, but I just can’t shake it.
The next thing that bothers me about the Democratic front runner is this whole email scandal. I don’t completely understand why this is such a big deal, but it is an obvious blemish on Clinton’s permanent record and raises a red flag for me.
I also find it troubling that some people think what Secretary Clinton did was a criminal offense, and yet nothing has been done about it. She continues campaigning, no one seems in a rush to arrest her or even charge her with a crime, and that just causes my Spidey senses to tingle.
The Monopoly lover in me can’t help but think that she has been given a Get Out of Jail Free card, and I wonder if whoever has issued this pass expects to cash it in once President Clinton takes office.
Which leads me to the Super Delegates.
The Super Delegates fiasco reminds me of the asterisks next to Roger Maris’ pre-steroid era single season home run record. Whenever the media lists Clinton’s delegate count, there’s always two numbers.
That’s because of the Super Delegates, the mystery voters with superpowers who have kept Secretary Clinton far ahead of Senator Sanders in the Democratic standings.
My Deep Thoughts on this is that the Super Delegates were created by the evil overlords of the Democratic National Committee to ensure that their “chosen one” ends up on the ballot on Election Day.
In other words, Modern Philosophers, the fix is in.
Maybe this is pigheaded Bernie bias on my part, and I’ve got my toga all up in a bunch over nothing, but it just feels like the primary process was nothing more than a charade because the outcome had been determined long before things even kicked off in Iowa.
Clinton was always going to be the nominee.
Sanders was the amusing sidekick who made the Democrats seem far more lovable than those out of control Republican lunatics.
While all these reasons for not being with Hillary make sense on different levels, there is actually one more explanation that probably sums up my Deep Thoughts best.
I’m a rabid sports fan, which means I not only love my teams, but I also despise their rivals. If the Yankees were to lose in the playoffs, it would be physically impossible for me to root for the team that beat them to win the World Series.
If anything, I would probably try to conjure up some powerful black magic to ensure that the hated opponent suffered a crushing and humiliating defeat.
Clinton beat my favorite candidate, and now I’m incapable of supporting her in the World Series of Voting.
There’s no blatant conflict of political philosophy, no veiled sexism, and no overwhelming repulsion at her apparent assumption that the nomination is her birthright.
I just can’t root for her because she beat Bernie. If I can’t Feel the Bern, then I’m not going to be with her.
Sure it’s spiteful, immature, and a little stupid, but we are talking about politics here…
A vote for following me on Pinterest is a vote for America’s future!