World’s Greatest Dad (In Training)

World's Greatest Dad (In Training) | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherThere’s been some talk around The House on the Hill lately, Modern Philosophers, about the possibility of my becoming a father.

I’ve always wanted to have kiddos and follow in my Dad’s footsteps as the World’s Greatest Dad, but I just haven’t been so blessed.

I’m not sure how much you guys know about the baby making process, but there needs to be a woman in the mix.  You see, the stork plants the baby in her belly to grow for nine months because men’s stomachs are too hairy to house a child.

Even though I was married for what now seems like an eternity, miniature versions of me were never delivered.  Lately, however, there has been a special woman willing to hang around long enough to cause Deep Thoughts of fatherhood to dance in my head, but who knows how long that will last.  I’m bound to get on her nerves and scare her away before the stork can sneak a baby inside her while she’s sleeping.

Whatever the future has in store for me, I think I’d be an awesome father.  I want to be the kind of Dad who urges his kids to be curious, and then answers their endless questions with crazy, creative tales that get them sent home from school with angry notes from their teachers.  “Your son told the class that clouds are tufts of hair that God shaved from his beard.”   “Your daughter insists that snowmen don’t really melt, they just cry themselves to death because they miss the kids while they’re at school.”

I'm ready for my mug now!I thought I’d give my parenting skills a test today by asking my coworker Micki about her daughters.  When she explained that one of them had kept her up half the night because she was crying from an ear infection, I went straight into World’s Greatest Dad (In Training) mode and offered her some sage advice…

First, I suggested that Micki give her little girl some booze to knock her out.  My logic being, of course, that an earache can’t bother her if she is out cold and snoring up a storm.

Micki told me that wasn’t a very good idea, and then reminded me that the drinking age in Maine was 21.  To be honest, I thought that law only applied to the outside world, and that parents could set their own rules inside the home.  I remember my Dad always giving my little sister a sip of his beer whenever she asked for one.

Come to think of it, that explains a lot about my sister’s teenage years…

Since my first idea was apparently not a winner, I decided to favor Micki with a second one, which was bound to be the solution to her problem.  After all, I hated seeing her so tired all day, and really want her to get a good night’s sleep.

Brain nugget number two will most likely get me immediate induction into the Parenting Hall of Fame once I become eligible by producing a child.

Don't wake the monster under your bed!I urged Micki to tell her daughter that if she keeps getting up and crying because of her earache, she is going to wake up the monster that lives under her bed.

I could tell by the way that her eyes opened really wild that she was giving this plan some major Deep Thought.

In the end, however, for reasons I still don’t understand, Micki decided to pass on this idea as well.  I guess some parents just don’t get it, you know?

I hope Micki gets some sleep tonight, but I already know I will sleep like a baby because I’m a World’s Greatest Dad just waiting to happen.

Plus, the monster under my bed won’t be waking me up because I roll a bottle of scotch under the bed when I hit the hay to make sure that bad boy sleeps through the night.

If you guys need any more parenting tips, just let me know!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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13 Responses to World’s Greatest Dad (In Training)

  1. I say, a little scotch never hurt anyone. Clearly, World’s Greatest Mom (In Training) right over here.

  2. Kevin says:

    You have a good foundation on becoming the World’s Greatest Dad. The booze was a good idea even if it was rebuffed. And I do believe the monster under the bed is a real threat. Thanks for a good chuckle this evening.

  3. You’re more than welcome to borrow my 3 kids ANYTIME for a bit of World’s Best Dad training!!! 😂

  4. susielindau says:

    My dad was an Irishman who said there was a little bit of scotch in all of us and then we found out it was true! He had a Scottish grandmother. I know you’ll be a great dad, Austin. Just keep the scotch in the genes.

  5. LOL. You’ll make one hell of a cool dad, Austin!

  6. Gilly says:

    Just remember one thing – your gorgeous little baby to be (when it happens) will one day be a stroppy teenager who hates everything you do/say/are and at some point, will totally break your heart. Most of them come back to being reasonable human beings by the time they are 40. Just kidding! (Am I?) Good luck 🙂

  7. Pingback: Meet & Greet+ Favorite Books and Movies | A Texan's View of Upstate New York

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