I’ve always wanted to have kiddos and follow in my Dad’s footsteps as the World’s Greatest Dad, but I just haven’t been so blessed.
I’m not sure how much you guys know about the baby making process, but there needs to be a woman in the mix. You see, the stork plants the baby in her belly to grow for nine months because men’s stomachs are too hairy to house a child.
Even though I was married for what now seems like an eternity, miniature versions of me were never delivered. Lately, however, there has been a special woman willing to hang around long enough to cause Deep Thoughts of fatherhood to dance in my head, but who knows how long that will last. I’m bound to get on her nerves and scare her away before the stork can sneak a baby inside her while she’s sleeping.
Whatever the future has in store for me, I think I’d be an awesome father. I want to be the kind of Dad who urges his kids to be curious, and then answers their endless questions with crazy, creative tales that get them sent home from school with angry notes from their teachers. “Your son told the class that clouds are tufts of hair that God shaved from his beard.” “Your daughter insists that snowmen don’t really melt, they just cry themselves to death because they miss the kids while they’re at school.”
I thought I’d give my parenting skills a test today by asking my coworker Micki about her daughters. When she explained that one of them had kept her up half the night because she was crying from an ear infection, I went straight into World’s Greatest Dad (In Training) mode and offered her some sage advice…
First, I suggested that Micki give her little girl some booze to knock her out. My logic being, of course, that an earache can’t bother her if she is out cold and snoring up a storm.
Micki told me that wasn’t a very good idea, and then reminded me that the drinking age in Maine was 21. To be honest, I thought that law only applied to the outside world, and that parents could set their own rules inside the home. I remember my Dad always giving my little sister a sip of his beer whenever she asked for one.
Come to think of it, that explains a lot about my sister’s teenage years…
Since my first idea was apparently not a winner, I decided to favor Micki with a second one, which was bound to be the solution to her problem. After all, I hated seeing her so tired all day, and really want her to get a good night’s sleep.
Brain nugget number two will most likely get me immediate induction into the Parenting Hall of Fame once I become eligible by producing a child.
I could tell by the way that her eyes opened really wild that she was giving this plan some major Deep Thought.
In the end, however, for reasons I still don’t understand, Micki decided to pass on this idea as well. I guess some parents just don’t get it, you know?
I hope Micki gets some sleep tonight, but I already know I will sleep like a baby because I’m a World’s Greatest Dad just waiting to happen.
Plus, the monster under my bed won’t be waking me up because I roll a bottle of scotch under the bed when I hit the hay to make sure that bad boy sleeps through the night.
If you guys need any more parenting tips, just let me know!
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