How To Avoid Dating

How To Avoid Dating | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherIt’s time for another Dating Tips post, Modern Philosophers, but this one is going to have a completely different spin.

Rather than advising you on how to improve your dating experience, I’m going to offer advice on how to avoid dating altogether.  I’m doing this at the request of several readers, who made me aware that I was ignoring the needs of a certain portion of the Modern Philosopher population.

Thank you to everyone who wrote in and asked me to expand my column so that everyone could take advantage of my sage dating advice.

For those of you who are addicted to dating, or simply can’t stand being alone, here’s some advice on how to break the dating cycle and finally feel comfortable just spending some time on your own…

Binge watch a show or binge read an author.  Keep your mind occupied and your thoughts won’t drift down the path that leads to your feeling like you need to go on a date.  Go on a different sort of adventure that I guarantee will not lead to heartbreak, bodily harm, blows to the psyche, and the kind of nightmares that will make you want to sleep with the lights on and a bat next to the bed.

I love discovering a new author and then getting lost in a series of books.  I’m told some TV shows are like that, too, for those of you not looking to challenge your brain with too much reading.  You can close a book or pause a TV show anytime, and they’re never going to stand you up or refuse to return your calls.

Another bad date...Focus on self love.  Get your minds out of the gutter, Modern Philosophers.  I wasn’t referring to that kind of self love!

What I’m advising is to stop worrying about finding someone to love because you already know the perfect person to be the object of your warm and fuzzy feelings…


You should always be your top priority.  Be happy in your own skin.  Spoil yourself.  Learn to be comfortable being alone.  Once you are happy with you, then you can turn your love outward to someone who is going to be incredibly lucky to receive it.

Despite what the world might lead you to believe, you don’t need a significant other to be normal.  It’s okay to be single.

Take up a hobby.  If you are a serial dater and want to break the addiction, you need to find a distraction.  If there’s something else to fill your time and consume your thoughts, there won’t be any time or brain cells left to dedicate to the thought of dating.

Plus, if you come up with a really nerdy hobby that you talk about all the time regardless if anyone else wants to hear about it, you will exponentially decrease your chances of finding someone willing to go out with you.

You can always take up running.  If you do it right, you will improve your health and your self confidence, so you won’t be so worried about dating.  If you do it wrong, you’ll be too badly injured to go on a date.

Bad dating epxeriences...Hang out with your friends who are in a relationship.  All friends who are coupled up fall into two categories: the ones who are annoyingly madly in love, and the ones who can’t stop bickering and prefer doing it in front of an audience.

The out of control love birds will make you sick to your stomach and remind you that you never want to act that way in front of your friends.  The fighters will make you uncomfortable because they will demand that you take sides, and you know you can’t do that, but they won’t stop hounding you until you do.  On my god they are driving you crazy already aren’t they???

Let yourself go.  If you can’t fight off the urge the date, then you need to make it impossible for anyone to want to date you.  Stop working out, throw out your razor, forget the location of your barber, skip the shower every few days, give up on doing laundry and just get comfy in that one ill fitting outfit, and make sure you eat anything you want anytime you want.

I’m not implying that the kind of people you date are superficial.  I’m just assuming that they have standards and self-respect.

Thinking about the old days...Reminisce about past relationships.  Fast forward through all the happy, sexy memories that first pop into your head.  Take your time to replay all the fights, the one-sided “discussions” about your failures as a significant other, and the reminders of how poorly you stack up against previous lovers.  Still want to go on a date?  If so, rewind that second batch of memories.

Become a political zealot or rediscover religion.  Nothing will get you blackballed onto the No Dating List faster than the rumor that all you ever talk about is politics or religion.  If you’re not going to just sit there and listen to your date talk about herself, the least you can do is avoid chatting her up about those two taboo topics.  She gets enough of that when she goes home to visit her family.

Check out your bank account.  You can barely get by with what’s in there right now, so how do you expect to keep a roof over your head if you’re spending all that money on your dates?  Invest in your future, rather than blowing your paychecks on people who always expect you to pick up the check and buy them one of everything in the world.

She's wishing she was marooned far away from her date...Maroon yourself on a desert island.  As amazing as all of my previous tips have been, this last one is the only surefire way to avoid dating altogether.

The urge to couple up, smooch a little, hold hands, and fall hopelessly in love is just too strong, Modern Philosophers.

If you want to keep yourself from dating, you need to remove all the temptation.

By marooning yourself on a desert island, you will finally set yourself free.  You can’t ask a coconut on a date.  You might be able to flirt with a palm tree, but it’s never going to agree to meet you for drinks.  Cut yourself off from the dating pool, and you will end the risk of drowning in it.

Hopefully, these tips will come in handy.  Even though there is a comedic bent to any advice I dispense on this blog, I am serious when I tell you that it is okay to be single.  Don’t let society, your friends and family, or your own thoughts pressure you into settling for a relationship that doesn’t make you happy.

Love is out there, but it might not be exactly where you’re looking for it right now.

So grab a good book, see what’s on Netflix, and make yourself that giant ice cream sundae you’ve been craving all day.  There’s nothing wrong with staying home alone tonight, Modern Philosophers…

Since you’re not going out on a date, why not follow me on Pinterest?


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to How To Avoid Dating

  1. Lizzi says:

    Ha! Not bad ideas at ALL! 😀

  2. I’m perfectly content as a singleton right now. Zero desire to date. I need my free time to develop my plan to rule the world.

  3. Gunther says:

    If we could legalized prostitution like in Holland and Australia, both sexes would not have to worry about trying to get sex when dating each other.

    Good ideas when it comes to investing in oneself.

  4. …check, check, and check…yep, on the right track… 😉 LOL

  5. A says:

    You truly amaze me with the amount of great content you generate on a regular basis, I don’t know how you do it!!! Whatever your secret sauce is, keep it up!!

  6. This one was one of my favs…I especially like the binge watch/binge read paragraph LOl

  7. Rosemond says:

    Love this! I’m putting away the razor so that my legs become big woody cactus so no person can get close! All kidding aside, I do think a hobby is a good idea, something to replace a match, tinder, insta habit!

  8. I admit I thought gutterish when I saw “self love”. Dating does suck. So funny as usual.

  9. Good advice, especially spending time with other couples. Makes you see that it “ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

  10. Ok so getting married also brings an end to dating (unless you are a complete shit). You will need to suffer dating for awhile of course to bring about the married state. Once married, ignore the sickening sweetness of ‘happily’ married friends who bang on about ‘date night’ – you paid your dues – no more dates for you!

  11. kriskkaria says:

    Hi! I narrated How to Avoid Dating with a story from Storyshucker, My podcast got a boost from promotion by Podbean, so I’ve got more downloads. My last narration of your dating tips got lots of likes!

  12. geminilvr says:

    Great advice especially ‘self love’ 😉

  13. Love this post. Particularly the part about self love, I think too many of us don’t focus on that enough nowadays.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s